GGuide
Welcome to Spooky Laboratory. [pulls out a blindfold and puts it over Cartman's eyes] I'm your guide, Dr. Spookalot. Allow me to show around the lab. [leads him to a table on which is a bowl of eggs and a bowl of Jell-o cubes]
SDr. Spookalot
Here I have a bowl of human eyeballs.
[rolls his fingers around the eggs] Ew-ho-ho.
SDr. Spookalot
[switches bowls] And here you can feel the brains.
[rolls his fingers through the Jell-o cubes] Oh-ho, gross.
SDr. Spookalot
[leads him to a donkey] And here you can feel the warm innards of the body. [Cartman reaches into the donkey's anus and the donkey looks surprised]
Ew, it feels like cold spaghetti! You guys, it feels like cold spaghetti!
TGTour Guide
Now, you boys have probably called this young man names like "tubby" or "lard butt" or "fat tits"--
Ooh, fat tits, that's a good one.
Yeah, we'll have to remember that.
[Cartman defecates some of the treasure he swallowed in front of everyone]
Dude, did Cartman just crap treasure?
It's mine! It's mine, you hear me?! I got it out of the cave! It belongs to me! Keep your greedy hands away!
TGTour Guide
[recognises the treasure Cartman defecated] Hey, that looks like the fake treasure from our Smuggler's Den photo room.
That's right, and I... [realises what the tour guide just said] Fake treasure?
TGTour Guide
Yeah. We put it there in the cave to get your picture with. All and all, I say that treasure is worth about $14.
No. NOOOO!!! [Cartman defecates more of the fake treasure] OWWW! OHHHH!!!
[Stan, Kyle and Kenny walk up to Cartman]
[angrily] You made us pull you to safety because you ate treasure?! You son of a bitch!
DON'T YOU THINK I'M HURTING ENOUGH, KYLE?! ARGH!! ARGH!! [Cartman painfully defecates more fake treasure] OWWWW!!!
[Outside Backcountry Adventures]
Here we go guys! Zipliniiin'! [goes into an open-leg stance, makes a fist with his left hand, holding out the thumb and pinkie]
G1Guide 1
[a woman, waiting by a van that has been out earlier in the day] Everyone just step on in the shuttle. [opens the van's sliding door. The zipliners head for it]
How, how long do we have to take the shuttle?
It's about forty-five minutes.
It's a devastating blow. For Kyle, it's almost too much to bear. [a look at Kyle's brain] His brain is already lacking excitement, and now just the word "shuttle" makes Kyle's brain fire neurons [this is shown] that bring up memories of just how lame shuttles can be. [two images of overloaded shuttle buses appear, then footage of the Space Shuttle Challenger going up and exploding, and Kyle is scared]
Well, come on, we don't have a choice. [leads the others to the shuttle van.]
[The shuttle ride, later. It sure is bumpy.]
Alright guys, should be about forty five minutes to the freshest nar nar. Why don't we go around the van and get to know each other a little bit?
M3Man 3
Well my name's Pete Nichols and this is my wife Donna, and uh... make a long story short, we came out here to see our relatives who live down in Moab. They uhhh been livin' there about twenty years now, and uh, long story short, they told us that as long as we were in the Rockies we should try ziplining, so, long story short, we looked around in the newspapers and on the Internet and... on billboooards, and... you know, make a long story short, we found this company and thought we'd give 'er a try, so then we called and, we made a reservation, and that's when, you know, long story short, we just thought- [Cartman begins to mutter angrily]
Alright, remember to keep your clear of the cable and just let your equipment do the work. [a shot of the tour group] Now, when you're about halfway down the zipline, the camera's gonna take your picture, so when I call out "Shockabra!", look up and give the camera a nice "shockabra" [two fists with thumbs and pinkies extended]. Alright, you ready?
Yeah. [Michael shortens the strap between Cartman and the zipline, and holds him up]
Ready to do some ZIPPIN'?
Alright, let's hear you say "Zipliiine!"
Zipliiine. [Michael sends him on his way]
[voice-over] Shockabra! [Cartman holds out his fists as indicated above and the camera takes his picture]
G1Guide 1
Woohoo! Alright, nice zip!
Well? How was it, Cartman?
Totally fuckin' stupid, dude!
[as Kyle is prepped] Oh, really???
Yeah dude, it's fuckin' boring as shit!
Alright Kyle, give me a "Zipliiine!"
Zipline. [Michael sends him on his way]
Shockabra! [does the fists. Kyle does the firsts too and the camera takes his picture, but he's mad]
[being interviewed] It was like having the life sucked out of you. That' all it is, sliding down a cable. Maybe without a tour group it'd be ...kind of fun. But, this was just... a complete disaster.
South Park · 1,569 quotes
