[the portal begins to act violently. Lightning shoots out and it changes color frequently. Everyone backs away]
GGeneral
Talk to me! What's going on?!
[The guard comes in with Kyle and Cartman]
LTLead Tech
Something is coming through the gate from the other side.
[a few moments later, ManBearPig walks through]
T3Tech 3
It's like a half-man, half-bear!
LTLead Tech
And half-pig!
[ManBearPig grabs the tech and slams him against the portal's supporting wall]
T4Tech 4
Oh! No-no, wait! It's like a half-bear, half-man-pig!
[ManBearPig rips the tech's head off and tosses it towards the general. Everyone scatters]
[ManBearPig jumps over and grabs the tech at both ends]
T3Tech 3
No! I think it's more like a half-man, and half-pig-bear!
[ManBearPig rips him in two at the waist]
GGeneral
Reverse the doorway! Send it back through!
[Kyle screams and runs away, but ManBearPig scoops him up]
[a dying tech pushes the red button at his station as he drops to the floor. Lightning flashes into the room as a tractor beam pulls Stan into the portal. ManBearPig resists the pull, but crushes Kyle in its hand for several seconds. Kyle lets out a dying scream as ManBearPig lets go of him as the tractor beam finally pulls it in. Kyle falls on the floor, blue in the face]
[Kyle is attempted to be revived through a defibrillator]
PParamedic
Clear! [sends power through the paddles. Kyle rises, then falls softly. No sign of life yet. The paramedic removes the paddles] I'm sorry. He's gone.
No! Kyle can't die. [gets on his knees and checks various parts of his body for a pulse]
PParamedic
I'm sorry, young man.
PParamedic
Well, at least now he doesn't have to suck anyone's balls.
[enraged] Nooo! [begins giving Kyle CPR] No, he has a strong heart! He wants to live! Come on, Kyle! Come on, buddy!
GGeneral
He's gone, little boy.
[to the paramedic] Zap him again! [opens Kyle's coat and shirt] Do it!
[the paramedic places the paddles back on Kyle's body]
[the paramedic fires away. Kyle rises, then falls softly. No sign of life yet.]
Get out of here! [goes back to giving Kyle CPR. A woman covers her eyes in despair] Goddammit, Kyle, you never walked away from anything in your life! Now fight! [smacks Kyle around] Fight! Fight! Right now! [begins to break down] Fight! Fiiight! Fight! [slams down hard on his chest]
[Kyle coughs, then comes to. Cartman begins to weep happily]
Give him some air. [an oxygen mask appears and Cartman places it over Kyle's nose and mouth] There, easy. Breathe easy. [weeps softly some more]
GGeneral
If I'm not mistaken, you're the one who bet leprechauns aren't real. So why do you care if something happens?
Because I-- Because I think they are real. It's all real. Think about it. Haven't Luke Skywalker and Santa Claus affected your lives more than most real people in this room? I mean, whether Jesus is real or not, he's had a bigger impact on the world than any of us have. And the same can be said for Bugs Bunny and Superman and Harry Potter. They've changed my life, changed the way I act on the earth. Doesn't that make them kind of real? They might be imaginary, but they're more important than most of us here. And they're all gonna be around till long after we're dead. So in a way, those things are more realer than any of us. [Cartman starts applauding, followed by everyone else]
GGeneral
[touched] Abort the sequence. [scientist does so]
So, Kyle, imaginary things ARE real, huh? Guess that means I did win the bet after all... [Kyle looks angry] And you know what that means, Kyle...
[snaps] Just let it go already, you asshole! Your friends have been in danger, and all you care about is your stupid bet?! Well, I have decided, Cartman, that even if we did have a bet, that I am NEVER going to suck your balls! [grabs Cartman by the scruff of his neck] You got that?! [pushes Cartman back] They can throw me in jail for the rest of my life, but I am NEVER. EVER. Going to suck your balls-- [punches Cartman lightly] EVER! So there!
South Park · 1,569 quotes
