I wanna hold the baby. I wanna hold the baby.
I'm sorry, Bart. You're too little.
Here, Bart, you can hold my beer. [he places his can of beer on Bart's head]
Homer!
What?
S4Lisa's First Word
I was sitting there!
I don't see your name on it!
It's right there!
Bart, don't write on the rug.
Ha-ha. Mom yelled at you.
Did not.
Did too.
You know, Maggie, the sooner kids talk, the sooner they talk back. [he puts Maggie to bed] I hope you never say a word. [switches the light off, closes the door]
[pulls her pacifier out of her mouth] Daddy. [puts her pacifier back on her mouth and goes to sleep as the episode ends]
S4Homer's Triple Bypass
Nothing you say can upset us. We're the MTV generation.
We feel neither highs or lows.
Really? What's it like?
[shrugs] Eh.
Hey hey! [goofy laugh] [Homer grunts in pain; clutching his chest.] Hey, what's the matter? Oh, right. My grotesque appearance!
Krusty, why are you here?
Eh, it's part of my public service for my "Glug-glug, vroom-vroom, thump-thump."
Well, I could use a laugh.
Well, there's nothing funny about what you're about to go through. I know! [Takes off his shirt, revealing a pacemaker scar.] I'm in the zipper club myself! [lights a cigarette]
You seem pretty healthy.
Yeah? Well I got news for ya: this ain't makeup!
S4Marge vs. the Monorail
LLLyle Lanley
You know, a town with money's a little like the mule with the spinning wheel. No one knows how he got it and danged if he knows how to use it.
[Everyone laughs except Homer who at first doesn't get the joke]
Heh-heh, mule.
LLLyle Lanley
The name's Lanley, Lyle Lanley. And I come before you good people tonight with an idea. Probably the greatest —Aw, it's not for you. It's more a Shelbyville idea.
Now, wait just a minute. We're twice as smart as the people of Shelbyville. Just tell us your idea and we'll vote for it.
LLLyle Lanley
All right, I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll show you my idea. I give you the Springfield Monorail! [everyone gasps] I've sold monorails to Brockway, Ogdenville, and North Haverbrook, and by gum, it put them on the map! Well sir, there's nothing on Earth like a genuine, bonafide, electrified six-car monorail! What'd I say?
Monorail!
LLyle
What's it called?
PSPatty and Selma
Monorail.
LLyle
That's right, monorail! [the crowd starts chanting "monorail" as Lyle begins to play piano]
HMs. Hoover
I hear those things are awfully loud.
LLyle
It glides as softly as a cloud!
AApu
Is there a chance the track could bend?
LLyle
Not on your life, my Hindu friend!
What about us brain-dead slobs?
LLyle
You'll be given cushy jobs!
ASAbe Simpson
Were you sent here by the Devil?
LLyle
No, good sir, I'm on the level!
The ring came off my pudding can.
LLyle
Take my pen knife, my good man! I swear it's Springfield's only choice! Throw up your hands and raise your voice!
AAll
Monoraaaaaaail! (Lyle: What's it called?) Monoraaaaaaail!! (Lyle: Once again!) Monoraaaaaaail!!!
But Main Street's still all cracked and broken!
Sorry Mom, the mob has spoken!
AAll
Monoraaaaaaail! Monoraaaaaaail!! Monoraaaaaaail!!! MONORAIL!
Mono... [realizes the song is over] D'oh!
[Marge opens the fire extinguisher cabinet, sees a mother opossum with four offspring sleeping, who then start hissing]
Homer, there's a family of possums in here!
I call the big one Bitey.
And here's country singing sensation, Lurleen Lumpkin, fresh from her latest stay at the Betty Ford clinic! What ya been up to Lurleen?
[hoarse voice] I spent last night in a ditch.
[nervous laugh] How about it, folks?
Now, I'd like to turn things over to our Grand Marshal, Mr. Leonard Nimoy.
[chuckling] I'd say this vessel could do at least warp five.
And let me say, "May the force be with you."
Do you even know who I am?
[A solar eclipse forms outside]
A solar eclipse. The cosmic ballet... goes on.
MPMale Passenger
Does anyone want to switch seats?
[Lyle Lanley tries to escape on a plane with Springfield’s money]
PPilot
Folks, this is your captain speaking. Our nonstop flight to Tahiti will be making a brief layover in North Haverbrook.
LLyle
North Haverbrook. Where have I heard that name before? [suddenly remembers] Oh, no. Oh, no!
MWMan with pitchfork
There he is! Seat 3-F!
[The angry citizens of North Haverbrook beat Lyle Lanley with many items]
S4Selma's Choice
Now what do we say when we get to the ticket booth?
Bart and Lisa (in unison): We're under six.
And I'm a college student. (chuckles)
(Marge comes in, upset)
Kids, I've got some bad news. Your great-aunt Gladys has...passed on.
Bart (running through his head who Great-Aunt Gladys is): Gladys...Gladys. About yea-high (puts his hand where his eyes are), blue hair, big dent in her forehead?
No, honey. Gladys looked more like your Aunt Patty.
Bart (stares blankly, then shudders): Ugh! Oh, yeah. There she is.
The funeral is in Littleneck Falls. Looks like we'll have to go to Duff Gardens another time.
We understand.
No use complaining about something you can't change.
But I wanna go to Duff Gardens. Right now!
Homer, quit pouting.
I'm not pouting. I'm mourning. (to himself): Stupid dead woman.
[reading an eye chart at the DMV and failing] R...Q...J...question mark...smiley face...
[cut to Selma stamping "VOID" on Hans' driver's license]
SBSelma Bouvier
Next! (double checks the license): Wait a minute. It says here you're single.
Hans Moleman (scared): Did I do wrong?
[cut to Selma and Hans at a fancy restaurant. Hans is trying to read the menu] Combed, biscuits, chicken, yellow, mailman.
WWaitress
You're reading the wine list, sir.
Very good.
Selma, your date's over already?
Yeah. I was so depressed, I ate a jar of expired olives. (sighs): I guess I'll never have a baby.
Lisa (as she's watching a Duff Gardens commercial where Lance Murdock and a bunch of unnamed riders are being knocked back and forth on a large version of a Newton's cradle): Aunt Selma, this may be presumptuous, but have you ever considered artificial insemination.
Homer (giggles): Boy, I don't know. You've got to be pretty desperate to make it with a robot.
(Marge whispers in Homer's ear what artificial insemination really is)
I knew that.
Hey Lise, I dare you to drink the water.
Lisa (looks down at the water they're floating on. It is a dark brown, sludgy mess): I'm not sure that is water...
Chicken. [begins clucking loudly]
Quit it, Bart. Quit it! QUIT IT, QUIT IT!
Bart, be quiet! Lisa, drink the water!
(Lisa bends down and drinks some from her cupped hands. She groans as her grip on reality starts to slip. She stares at the Dutch girl robots)
Dutch Girl Robots (begins to sound discordant and ominous): Duff Beer for me/Duff Beer for you...(Lisa blinks and her eyes go white and hollow): I'll have a Duff...Duff...Duff... (the Dutch girl robots fade away into the darkness)
(the darkness of the ride is now punctuated with strange lights as Lisa begins acting paranoid)
They're all around me! No way out! (cackles insanely): NO WAY OUT, I TELL YOU! (grabs Selma by her dress collar)
Selma (as a 1960s Jimi Hendrix-style rock version of the "Duff Beer for Me" jingle plays and Lisa sees Selma as a multi-eyed monster with green skin): What's wrong? Ah, you just put your head right here. (sticks out her shoulder. The shoulder suddenly grows a mouth and snarls. The mouth on Selma's shoulder turns into Lisa's screaming mouth. Zoom out to reveal Lisa swinging an oar at Selma and Bart)
[after Bart gets rescued from The Barrel Roll. Selma is speaking with the security guard as Bart is trying to keep his eyes open]
Don't blame these kids. [groans]: It's not their fault. I think their father is missing a chromosome.
SGSecurity Guard #1
Miss Bouvier, while we were rescuing this boy, hoodlums made off with three bumper cars!
[cut to Dolph, Jimbo, and Kearney -- who were previously arrested for being a roaming gang in the second Duff Gardens commercial -- driving down the road on three detached bumper cars that somehow are still functioning, laughing as they ride off into the sunset, past a sign that says "Leaving Duff Gardfns"]
[cut back to the security shack]
SGSecurity Guard #1
And I don't think George Washington will ever be the same.
[cut to a robotics engineer trying to fix the George Washington robot from the Duff Hall of Presidents, which is now reduced to just his head, only to back away as it starts jabbering]
[a second security guard and a man in a white doctor's coat come in with a pale and jittery Lisa, clad in only a towel]
Security Guard [as Lisa's hollow eyes dart frantically and her skin color goes from white to pale yellow]: We found this one swimming naked in the Fermentarium.
I AM THE LIZARD QUEEN!
WCWhite-coated Man
Give her this...[gives Selma two pills]...and this...[gives her two more as Lisa is shivering]...and then these. [gives her an entire handful]
Thank you, doctor.
WCWhite-coated Man
Oh, I'm not a doctor.
S4Brother from the Same Planet
[Bart's class is having Show and Tell]
Someday, I want to be an F-14 pilot like my hero, Tom. He lent me this new weapon called a neural disrupter.
[Bart demonstrates the sheer power of the neural disrupter by shooting it at Martin's forehead]
Hey...
[falls down on the ground, twitching]
He's not dead, is he Bart?
Nah, but I wouldn't give him any homework for awhile.
Very good, Bart. Thank you.
Oh, don't thank me. Thank an unprecedented eight-year military build-up.
Mmm. Milhouse, you're next.
Uh, I have a horsey.
[mimics his toy horse neighing weakly which then trails off]
Wuss!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.