Mayor Quimby quotes from The Simpsons

Mayor Quimby

Can't we have one meeting that doesn't end with us digging up a corpse?

Mayor Quimby

You can't seriously want to ban alcohol! It tastes great, makes women appear more attractive and makes a person virtually invulnerable to criticism!

Mayor Quimby

You are all hereby found guilty of the crime of witchcraft. I sentence you hags to be burned at the stake until you are deemed fit to re-enter society.

Mayor Quimby

[to Bart] For decimating our pigeon population and for making Springfield a less oppressive place to while away our worthless lives, I present you with this scented candle.

Mayor Quimby

Oh God. Can't this town go one day without a riot?

Mayor Quimby

People, Springfield is in Crisis. Fingers have been shoved up Noses, Pants have been pulled down and (Click) Mayors (Click) have (Click) been (Click) Repeatedly (Click) Humiliated.

Mayor Quimby

Springfield has more handicapped parking spots for fat guys than any other non-Chicago city.

Mayor Quimby

God bless that saintly doughball. That's it, I'm giving Springfield's crossing guards an actual budget. Not for self-serving political reasons, but because I'm a man of people who wants to do good in the world.

Mayor Quimby

Chief Wiggum, Archbishop McGee, distinguished guests, I am pleased to dedicate this emergency warning system. In the off-chance of a nuclear disaster, this sign will tell you, the good citizens of Springfield, what to do!

[lights up] RELAX. EVERYTHING IS FINE.

Ooh! [strong applause]

MINOR LEAK. ROLL UP WINDOWS.

Oh. [moderate applause]

MELTDOWN. FLEE CITY. [weak applause] CORE EXPLOSION. REPENT SINS.

Homer

Joke's on them. If the core exploded, there wouldn't even be any power to light that sign!

You know, a town with money's a little like the mule with the spinning wheel. No one knows how he got it and danged if he knows how to use it.

Homer

Heh-heh, mule.

The name's Lanley, Lyle Lanley. And I come before you good people tonight with an idea. Probably the greatest —Aw, it's not for you. It's more a Shelbyville idea.

Mayor Quimby

Now, wait just a minute. We're twice as smart as the people of Shelbyville. Just tell us your idea and we'll vote for it.

All right, I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll show you my idea. I give you the Springfield Monorail! [everyone gasps] I've sold monorails to Brockway, Ogdenville, and North Haverbrook, and by gum, it put them on the map! Well sir, there's nothing on Earth like a genuine, bonafide, electrified six-car monorail! What'd I say?

Ned

Monorail!

What's it called?

Monorail.

That's right, monorail! [the crowd starts chanting "monorail" as Lyle begins to play piano]

I hear those things are awfully loud.

It glides as softly as a cloud!

Is there a chance the track could bend?

Not on your life, my Hindu friend!

Barney

What about us brain-dead slobs?

You'll be given cushy jobs!

Were you sent here by the Devil?

No, good sir, I'm on the level!

Chief Wiggum

The ring came off my pudding can.

Take my pen knife, my good man! I swear it's Springfield's only choice! Throw up your hands and raise your voice!

Monoraaaaaaail! (Lyle: What's it called?) Monoraaaaaaail!! (Lyle: Once again!) Monoraaaaaaail!!!

Marge

But Main Street's still all cracked and broken!

Bart

Sorry Mom, the mob has spoken!

Monoraaaaaaail! Monoraaaaaaail!! Monoraaaaaaail!!! MONORAIL!

Homer

Mono... [realizes the song is over] D'oh!

Kent Brockman

And here's country singing sensation, Lurleen Lumpkin, fresh from her latest stay at the Betty Ford clinic! What ya been up to Lurleen?

Lurleen

[hoarse voice] I spent last night in a ditch.

Kent Brockman

[nervous laugh] How about it, folks?

Mayor Quimby

Now, I'd like to turn things over to our Grand Marshal, Mr. Leonard Nimoy.

Leonard Nimoy

[chuckling] I'd say this vessel could do at least warp five.

Mayor Quimby

And let me say, "May the force be with you."

Leonard Nimoy

Do you even know who I am?

I'm still not sure how he caused the meltdown. There wasn't any nuclear material in the truck!

Mr. Burns

Oh, very well, it's time for your bribe. Now, you can either have the washer and dryer where the lovely Smithers is standing, or you can trade it all in for what's in this box.

The box, the box!

Look, Burns, this is a big problem. You can't just throw money at it and make it go away.

Mayor Quimby

Gentlemen, I've decided there will be, uh, no investigation. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll go away. [departs]

You're in big trouble, Burns. Homer Simpson's job requires college training in nuclear physics. Now you get your man up to speed, or we'll be forced to take legal action.

Mr. Burns

Is that so? Well, I have a feeling you'll be... dropping the charges.

The painters moved your desk, sir.

Mr. Burns

Ah, yes.

Mayor Quimby

I'll take two dogs, two sodas... and, uh, two ice cream bars. [as they are passed along the row towards him, Homer snatches two bites from his dogs] What the hell happened to my dogs? I want answers.

Homer

Well, I guess I should pay my share.

Ned

[chuckling] Relax, Homer. I keep telling you. You're my guest.

Homer

Ooh, you brought me a nacho hat! Thanks, Ned. [dips a nacho in it, then eats it, singing] Nacho, nacho man, I want to be a nacho man.

Mayor Quimby

This is incredible. It's God's most wondrous miracle.

Sir, I think your wife wants to hold the baby.

Mayor Quimby

My wife? Where? Where?! [runs off in a panic]

Barney

I've learned that I have a gift to share with the world. From now on, I'll be a new Barnard Gumbel; clean, sober, and hardworking.

Mayor Quimby

Congratulations, Barney, and enjoy your prize - a lifetime supply of Duff Beer.

Barney

Just hook it to my veins!