Hans Moleman quotes from The Simpsons

Moleman

[Into phone] Hello, I need the largest seed bell you have. [Pause] No, that's too big...

Hans Moleman

You took away 4 minutes of my life and I want them back. [pauses] Eh, I'd only waste them anyway.

Moleman

I didn't write it. I brought it from a salesman who was selling it to half the towns in America. I didn't think you'd find out because I never thought any of us would go anywhere.

This is my offer, I think you'll find it's most unfair, but those are the breaks.

But, uh, Mr. Burns, zhis is half of vhat we paid you!

That's my final offer. Take it or leave it!

All right, Mr. Burns, you vin. [frowning darkly] But bevare - ve Germans aren't all smiles und sunshine...

[mockingly] Oooh, the Germans are mad at me! I'm so scared! Oooh, the Germans! [ducks behind Smithers, who can't help snickering] Uh-oh, the Germans are coming to get me!

Stop it.

Hans

Stop, sir.

Oh, don't let the Germans come after me!

Hans

Please stop zhe "pretending you are scared" game, please.

Oh no, the Germans are coming after me...!

Stop it.

[pauses briefly, then resumes] Oh no! They're so big and strong...!

Hans

Stop it.

Stop it, Mr. Burns.

Hans

Please stop pretending you are scared of us, please, now.

Oh, protect me from the Germans! The Germans--

BURNS, STOP IT!

Hans Moleman

[reading an eye chart at the DMV and failing] R...Q...J...question mark...smiley face...

Next! (double checks the license): Wait a minute. It says here you're single.

Hans

[cut to Selma and Hans at a fancy restaurant. Hans is trying to read the menu] Combed, biscuits, chicken, yellow, mailman.

You're reading the wine list, sir.

Hans

Very good.

My name is Ot-to. I love to get blot-to.

Hans Moleman

My name is Hans. Drinking has ruined my life. I'm 31 years old.

Homer

My name is Homer and I'm just here because the court made me come.

Reverend Lovejoy

Homer, with our help, you'll never touch a beer again.

Smithers, are they booing me?

Uh no, they're saying "Boo-urns! Boo-urns!"

Are you saying "boo" or "Boo-urns"?

BOO!!! [throwing at Burns]

Hans Moleman

I was saying "Boo-urns."

Homer

Hey, everybody! If you wanna ask Burns for a favor, now's the time! He's doped up or dying or something! [Hans Moleman enters Burns' office]

Hans

Uh, excuse me, I'd like to request $17 for a push-broom rebristling.

Why, it's that delightful TV leprechaun! I'm going to get your Lucky Charms. [pulls out a drill and points it at Moleman's head.]

Hans

[offscreen] Oh no, my brains...

Hans Moleman

A poem by Hans Moleman. I think that I shall never see, my cataracts are blinding me. [flower wilts]

[wearing a skunk costume] And they thought I stunk.

Marge

Well, it's time to say goodnight.

Homer

I wish our special guest Tim Conway didn't have to leave so soon.

Marge

That's not my uncle Lou. And this man's not dead.

Moleman

That's what I've been trying to tell you.

That's just gas escaping. [pushes Moleman back into the cabinet]

Lisa

You love Moleman! You're gay for Moleman!

Bart

No, you're gay for Moleman.

Moleman

[morosely] No one's gay for Moleman.

Bart

Ah, my first sucker! [chuckles]

Moleman

Oh, a dollar. Now I can have lunch! [tries to grab the bill when his glasses fell, making him see perfectly] Hmm?! It's a trick! I never needed these. [throws his glasses and walks away. Bart groans]

Cletus

Oh, lookie here, it's the old fishing line on a dollar bill prank. Man, even a backwoods, no account, inbred, lead-paint-eating, kerosene-huffing, roadkill-chomping, uh... what was my point? [walks away]

Kirk

[to Luann] That is a practical joke, Luann. Which is too bad, because I desperately need that dollar. Yeah, I could also use the fishing line to get some dinner.

Luann

Bart, if Milhouse is hiding with you, tell him he has to shop for school clothes. [Milhouse comes out from behind the bushes]

Yay!! School clothes!