The Simpsons · Season 5
Dad, when did you record an album?
I'm surprised you don't remember, son. It was only 8 years ago.
Dad, thanks to television I can't remember what happened 8 minutes ago.
[all Simpsons but Bart start laughing]
No really, I can't, it's a serious problem!
[everyone laughs again, and Bart finally relents and laughs too]
What're we all laughing about?
Who cares?
David Crosby? You're my hero!
Oh, you like my music?
You're a musician?
[After the Grammy Awards...]
Then came to the greatest thrill of my life.
Hello, Homer, I'm George Harrison.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Where did you get that brownie?
Over there. There's a big pile of 'em.
[walks over to the brownies and wolfs down a whole bunch] Oh, man.
[completely sincere] Well, what a nice fellow.
[The Be Sharps are going through hard times.]
[singing tiredly] For all the latest medical poop
Call Surgeon General C. Everett Koop
Koop Koop-a-doop
[to Homer] This is worse than your song about Mr. T.
I pity the fool who doesn't like... he. And where's Barney?
Oh, he's with his new girlfriend, the Japanese conceptual artist.
[Barney and his girlfriend walk in, and Barney inserts a demo tape into a recorder]
Barbershop is in danger of growing stale. I'm taking it to strange new places.
[On the recorder]
Number eight... [Barney belches] Number eight... [Barney belches] Number eight... [Barney belches]
[during the closing credits] I'd like to thank you on behalf of the group, and I hope we passed the audition. [Everyone laughs, including Barney. After the laughter dies down]
I don't get it.
[after seeing an episode of Up Late with McBain, where Rainier Wolfcastle gets booed for his homophobic joke about Scoey's outfit]
Bart [disgusted]: This is horrible!
Lisa [disappointed, but not surprised]: The FOX network has sunk to a new low.
AAAH! SIDESHOW BOB!
You wrote me those letters!
You awful man! Stay away from my son!
[menacing] Oh, I'll stay away from your son, all right! Stay away... FOREVER!
Oh no!
Wait a minute. That's no good. [walks away, then runs back] Wait, I've got a good one now! Marge, say "stay away from my son" again.
No!
[Sideshow Bob grumbles and walks away]
But what about that tattoo on your chest? Doesn't it say, "Die Bart, Die?"
No, that's German for "The Bart, The."
No one who speaks German could be an evil man.
Now Sideshow Bob can't get in without me knowing. And once a man is in your home, anything you do to him is nice and [winks] legal.
Is that so? [yells out kitchen window] Oh, Flanders? Won't you join me in my kitchen? [Ned turns off the hose. Homer stands on the wall next to the kitchen arch, preparing to strike Flanders] Heh-heh-heh-heh...
Uh, it doesn't work when you invite 'em.
Hidilly-hey!
Go home.
Toodledy-do!
[Homer has hired a detective to take care of Sideshow Bob]
Now, don't you fret. When I'm through, he won't set foot in this town again. I can be very, very persuasive. [Holsters a gun]
[Detective is at a bar with Sideshow Bob]
[whining] C'mon, leave town!
No.
I'll be your friend!
No.
Oh, you're mean!
[the Simpsons are being placed in the Federal Witness Protection Program]
Tell you what, sir, from now on, you'll be Homer Thompson at Terror Lake. Let's just practice a bit, hmm? When I say "hello, Mr. Thompson", you'll say "hi".
Check!
Hello, Mr. Thompson. [Homer doesn't respond and stares blankly] Remember now, your name is Homer Thompson.
I gotcha.
Hello, Mr. Thompson.
[again Homer doesn’t respond and stares blankly. The FBI agents exchange looks]
[hours pass by]
[frustrated] Argh... Now when I say "hello, Mr. Thompson" and press down on your foot, you smile and nod.
No problem.
[stepping hard on Homer's foot] Hello, Mr. Thompson.
[still doesn't respond and stares blankly again for a few seconds, then whispers to the other FBI agent] I think he's talking to you.
[the FBI agent facepalms]
[Homer busts into Bart's room at night with glowing eyes and a knife]
BART DO YOU WANT SOME BROWNIES BEFORE YOU GO TO BED?!
[Bart screams]
[Homer switches back to normal, holding a brownie tray]
Let me cut you a brownie while they're still hot!
Dad, I'm kind of edgy right now. I'd appreciate you not coming in my room screaming and brandishing a butcher's knife!
Why? [looks at the knife in his hand] Oh, right! The Sideshow Bob thing! I'm sorry, boy.
[Homer puts the knife down, kisses Bart gently on the forehead, and walks out of the room. Bart turns over to go to sleep and Homer busts back in.]
BART YOU WANNA SEE MY NEW CHAINSAW AND HOCKEY MASK?! [stands over Bart revving the chainsaw]
[Bart screams louder]
[Homer returns to normal]
Oh, sorry! What am I thinking?
[Homer kisses Bart on the forehead and walks out of the room]
Hold it right there, Sideshow Bob. You're under arrest.
[furious] By Lucifer's beard!
Uh, yeah. It's a good thing you drifted by this brothel.
Take 'im away, boys.
Hey, I'm the chief here! Bake 'im away, toys.
What'd you say, chief?
Do what the kid says.
[as the dog pulls the level to stop a meltdown] Meltdown averted. Good boy.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
