You know, a town with money's a little like the mule with the spinning wheel. No one knows how he got it and danged if he knows how to use it.
[Everyone laughs except Homer who at first doesn't get the joke]
Heh-heh, mule.
The name's Lanley, Lyle Lanley. And I come before you good people tonight with an idea. Probably the greatest —Aw, it's not for you. It's more a Shelbyville idea.
Now, wait just a minute. We're twice as smart as the people of Shelbyville. Just tell us your idea and we'll vote for it.
All right, I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll show you my idea. I give you the Springfield Monorail! [everyone gasps] I've sold monorails to Brockway, Ogdenville, and North Haverbrook, and by gum, it put them on the map! Well sir, there's nothing on Earth like a genuine, bonafide, electrified six-car monorail! What'd I say?
Monorail!
What's it called?
Monorail.
That's right, monorail! [the crowd starts chanting "monorail" as Lyle begins to play piano]
I hear those things are awfully loud.
It glides as softly as a cloud!
Is there a chance the track could bend?
Not on your life, my Hindu friend!
What about us brain-dead slobs?
You'll be given cushy jobs!
Were you sent here by the Devil?
No, good sir, I'm on the level!
The ring came off my pudding can.
Take my pen knife, my good man! I swear it's Springfield's only choice! Throw up your hands and raise your voice!
Monoraaaaaaail! (Lyle: What's it called?) Monoraaaaaaail!! (Lyle: Once again!) Monoraaaaaaail!!!
But Main Street's still all cracked and broken!
Sorry Mom, the mob has spoken!
Monoraaaaaaail! Monoraaaaaaail!! Monoraaaaaaail!!! MONORAIL!
Mono... [realizes the song is over] D'oh!
