I've noticed lately that people have been putting up quite a few little DIY free libraries all over town.
[to Marge] What's DIY stands for?
Do it yourself.
I'm trying to, but I can't.
S34Habeas Tortoise
S34One Angry Lisa
Mmm...jelly legs.
S34Lisa the Boy Scout
MHMale Hacker
Attention corporate overlords, we are Psuedo-Nonymous and we have taken over this broadcast. We are the anarchist collective of nameless hacktivists who published the internal emails of Waffle House, and brought Home Depot's 'Find a store near you' feature to its knees.
FHFemale Hacker
Now we have hacked into the Disney corporation's servers and seized hundreds of thousands of hours of never-before-aired footage from the television show, "The Simpsons". Stories so ill-conceived, so idiotic, so controversial, so cringeworthy, so disturbing, so upsetting, so politically correct, so unwatchable, that their exposure will destroy the value of the very IP itself.
MHMale Hacker
Until we are paid a ransom of $20 Million in Bitcoin, we will air these show-destroying scenes one after another, starting now.
[The Truth About Lenny]
No, no, it can't be true!
It is true, Carl, there never was a Lenny.
[Lenny fades away.]
So, Lenny was just a figment of my imagination, I...I made him up?
MMoe
Yeah, your psyche created "Lenny" to help you deal with a terrible trauma there.
What trauma?
Finding out your previous best friend isn't real, it's kind of a thing with you.
Huh. Hey, I've never seen you around before. I'm Carl, what's your name? [Steven appears]. Nice to meet you, Steven.
MMoe
Aw crap, here we go again.
MHMale Hacker
Now you see we mean business, Disney. You will submit 20 Million in Bitcoin to our crypto wallet at the following address.
FHFemale Hacker
Until the payment arrives, we'll keep playing these nonsensical clips no one was ever meant to see.
[Homer is mowing the lawn when Flanders opens his window]
I wouldn't mean to be unneighborly but would you know what happened to my old nostril skirt?
Mustache, you say? Hmm, let me think? Stroking this goatee I've always had... stroking stroking.
That's it!
[he throws a necklace with a cross on it out the window, angrily]
Boys, we're Jewish now.
RRodd
L'chaim!
To life!
S34The King of Nice
We want to know what you want in your daytime programming. There are no wrong answers and no bad ideas.
In that case, recipes.
Sure. [write the marker in the smart board]
Air fryer recipes.
[Lindsey Naegle sighs, and write that down again]
JJulio
Celebrities come on the show?
Well, yes, obviously, but...
JJulio
Put it on the board then.
Uh, I was thinking...
Something with vacuum.
S34Not It
GMrs. Gumble
[to Barney] Have fun playing in the gutter!
I'm Krusto, the funniest clown in the whole wide world.
Uh, people who have to tell you they're funny usually aren't can I get my boat back, sewer clown?
Well, well. If it isn't the Losers. Say hello to my studio audience. [turns on the Laughter sign and rises soul of children] There’s no laughter like forced laughter!
We're not afraid of you anymore, clown. You have no power over us. He's an astronaut, she's a seltzer big wig, and I'm a world-famous, um, virgin. Oh, damn it. The point is, we’ve conquered our childhood fears!
My audience! No! It took me years to grow them! [yelps in pain as his body starts twisting and contorting onto itself] I can't start over! What would that even look like?! Dancing for followers on TikTok?! I haven't written a joke since 1647! And that material has not... aged... well! I blame cancel culture! [shrinks away into nothing]
S34Treehouse of Horror XXXIII
[carrying Maggie to her room] Ah, what a long day. What should we read tonight? "Good Night Escaped Gorilla," "The Pookadook," "What Do You People Do All Day?," "The Pookadook," "S'up, Moon?," "The Pookadook?" Wait, how many Pookadooks do we have? Oh, I guess just one.
S34Step Brother from the Same Planet
I'll sleep when I'm nine.
CCalvin
Psst. Homer. Want to play questions?
Okay. Question number one: Shut up.
CCalvin
[laughs] You're funny. We should go out on our bikes tomorrow. I know this place by the nuclear plant that has the best jumps. Oh, wait. Did you bring your bike?
I don't have a bike, I have a car. And I don't play at the nuclear plant, I work there because I am a grown-up.
S34When Nelson Met Lisa
Remember that principal we arrested for matricide?
[gasps] Skinner killed his mother?
No, mattress-cide. He ripped the tag off his mattress.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.