Now what do we say when we get to the ticket booth?
Bart and Lisa (in unison): We're under six.
And I'm a college student. (chuckles)
(Marge comes in, upset)
Kids, I've got some bad news. Your great-aunt Gladys has...passed on.
Bart (running through his head who Great-Aunt Gladys is): Gladys...Gladys. About yea-high (puts his hand where his eyes are), blue hair, big dent in her forehead?
No, honey. Gladys looked more like your Aunt Patty.
Bart (stares blankly, then shudders): Ugh! Oh, yeah. There she is.
The funeral is in Littleneck Falls. Looks like we'll have to go to Duff Gardens another time.
No use complaining about something you can't change.
But I wanna go to Duff Gardens. Right now!
I'm not pouting. I'm mourning. (to himself): Stupid dead woman.
[reading an eye chart at the DMV and failing] R...Q...J...question mark...smiley face...
[cut to Selma stamping "VOID" on Hans' driver's license]
SBSelma Bouvier
Next! (double checks the license): Wait a minute. It says here you're single.
Hans Moleman (scared): Did I do wrong?
[cut to Selma and Hans at a fancy restaurant. Hans is trying to read the menu] Combed, biscuits, chicken, yellow, mailman.
WWaitress
You're reading the wine list, sir.
Selma, your date's over already?
Yeah. I was so depressed, I ate a jar of expired olives. (sighs): I guess I'll never have a baby.
Lisa (as she's watching a Duff Gardens commercial where Lance Murdock and a bunch of unnamed riders are being knocked back and forth on a large version of a Newton's cradle): Aunt Selma, this may be presumptuous, but have you ever considered artificial insemination.
Homer (giggles): Boy, I don't know. You've got to be pretty desperate to make it with a robot.
(Marge whispers in Homer's ear what artificial insemination really is)
Hey Lise, I dare you to drink the water.
Lisa (looks down at the water they're floating on. It is a dark brown, sludgy mess): I'm not sure that is water...
Chicken. [begins clucking loudly]
Quit it, Bart. Quit it! QUIT IT, QUIT IT!
Bart, be quiet! Lisa, drink the water!
(Lisa bends down and drinks some from her cupped hands. She groans as her grip on reality starts to slip. She stares at the Dutch girl robots)
Dutch Girl Robots (begins to sound discordant and ominous): Duff Beer for me/Duff Beer for you...(Lisa blinks and her eyes go white and hollow): I'll have a Duff...Duff...Duff... (the Dutch girl robots fade away into the darkness)
(the darkness of the ride is now punctuated with strange lights as Lisa begins acting paranoid)
They're all around me! No way out! (cackles insanely): NO WAY OUT, I TELL YOU! (grabs Selma by her dress collar)
Selma (as a 1960s Jimi Hendrix-style rock version of the "Duff Beer for Me" jingle plays and Lisa sees Selma as a multi-eyed monster with green skin): What's wrong? Ah, you just put your head right here. (sticks out her shoulder. The shoulder suddenly grows a mouth and snarls. The mouth on Selma's shoulder turns into Lisa's screaming mouth. Zoom out to reveal Lisa swinging an oar at Selma and Bart)
[after Bart gets rescued from The Barrel Roll. Selma is speaking with the security guard as Bart is trying to keep his eyes open]
Don't blame these kids. [groans]: It's not their fault. I think their father is missing a chromosome.
SGSecurity Guard #1
Miss Bouvier, while we were rescuing this boy, hoodlums made off with three bumper cars!
[cut to Dolph, Jimbo, and Kearney -- who were previously arrested for being a roaming gang in the second Duff Gardens commercial -- driving down the road on three detached bumper cars that somehow are still functioning, laughing as they ride off into the sunset, past a sign that says "Leaving Duff Gardfns"]
[cut back to the security shack]
SGSecurity Guard #1
And I don't think George Washington will ever be the same.
[cut to a robotics engineer trying to fix the George Washington robot from the Duff Hall of Presidents, which is now reduced to just his head, only to back away as it starts jabbering]
[a second security guard and a man in a white doctor's coat come in with a pale and jittery Lisa, clad in only a towel]
Security Guard [as Lisa's hollow eyes dart frantically and her skin color goes from white to pale yellow]: We found this one swimming naked in the Fermentarium.
WCWhite-coated Man
Give her this...[gives Selma two pills]...and this...[gives her two more as Lisa is shivering]...and then these. [gives her an entire handful]
WCWhite-coated Man
Oh, I'm not a doctor.
