LLaura
[finding out some nincompoop teleported in Texas at an arcade] If I hit the "remorse" button one more time, I would've made it!
S4New Kid on the Block
[It is now 6:00 at night and Homer is still eating relentlessly as Marge is sleeping across the table from him. The staff members and the Sea Captain watch in awe]
TWTeenage waiter
That man ate all our shrimp and two plastic lobsters.
'Tis no man. 'Tis a remorseless eating machine. Argh. [walks over to Marge and Homer] 6 bells, time for closing.
Can't talk. Eating.
Fairly warned be thee, says I. [he snaps his fingers and two waiters drag Homer out of the restaurant as he is still eating]
Hey. Hey! Hey! [runs back to the buffet table, starts shovelling food with his hands and the waiters drag him out again as Marge follows on foot] But the sign said "All You Can Eat"!
Mrs. Simpson, in your own words, please tell us what happened after you and your husband were ejected from the restaurant.
We pretty much went straight home.
Remember, Mrs. Simpson, you're still under oath.
We drove around until 3:00 in the morning looking for another open all-you-can-eat seafood restaurant.
And when you couldn't find any?
[crying] We went fishing!
[to the jury] Do these sound like the actions of a man who'd had all he could eat?
JThe Jury
[all of whom are incredibly obese] No!
OPOne Particular Fat Juror
That could have been me!
Zookeeper! Zookeeper, those two monkeys are killing each other!
[quietly, to Homer's ear] They're having sex.
Oh.
Maybe you're right. Now, if you'll excuse us... [Marge leaves] this is a sacred moment between a boy and his father. Son, a woman is a lot like, um... a refrigerator. They're about six feet tall, 300 pounds. They make ice and-- Oh, wait a minute. Actually, a woman is more like a beer. They smell good. They look good. You'd step over your own mother just to get one! [drinks his can of Duff Beer] But you can't stop at one. You wanna drink another woman. [grabs another can of Duff Beer from the refrigerator]
(hours later, the kitchen table is littered with beer cans. Homer is visibly drunk while Bart has lost interest in the conversation)
Homer (drunkenly): ...so I sez, "Yeah? If you want that money, come and find it, 'cuz I don't where it is, ya baloney! You make me wanna retch!" (falls asleep, snoring)
S4Mr. Plow
[angry] Mr. West, you said there was a job for me.
AWAdam West
There was. When I called you, [camera zooms in dramatically] 45 minutes ago.
So long, Superman, your secret identity is safe with me.
Hardest hit by the blizzard is Springfield's forbidding Widow's Peak. Our own Arnie Pye is on the scene.
APArnie Pye
[live remote, in a helicopter] Everything's snowed in, all I can see is white!
[impatiently] Arnie, please. The ski conditions.
PPye
[now upside-down] Mayday, mayday! I think I'm flying into a mountain! Tell my wife I love-- [picture fuzzes out]
[chuckles] That's great, Arnie.
[signing his jingle] Call Mr. Plow, that’s my name, that name again is Mr. Plow!
S4Lisa's First Word
Maggie, can you say ba-ba? Can you say mama?
Can you say get bent?
Bart!
Mr. Rogers says all the time.
He does not.
Maggie, can you say daddy? Daddy.
Kitty. Kitty.
Be-bop. Be-bop.
Shove it. Shove it.
Homer!
[laughs, picks up Bart] Homer is what grown-ups call me. Call me Daddy.
Homer.
Daddy.
Homer.
Daddy.
Da-- Da-- Da--.
Yes.
Domer. [chuckles]
[turns red in anger] Why you little... [angrily strangles Bart]
Hey, Homer, this house sucks!
Bart, I told you not to use that word. Call me daddy!
Homer, nah!
[Homer angrily strangles Bart]
[Krusty has just announced Krusty Burger's Olympic sweepstakes]
Put a sock in it, preppy! How much are these free burgers gonna cost me?
CCompany Agent
Not to worry, Mr. K, we've rigged the cards; they're all in events that Communists never lose.
[satisfied] I like, I like!
AAide
This just came in over the wires, Big K! [hands him a paper sheet]
[reading] "Soviet boycott, U.S. unopposed in most events". How does this affect our giveaway?
CCompany Agent
Let's see. [punches numbers into a calculator] You personally stand to lose 44 million dollars.
[Krusty sobs]
TATV Announcer
Welcome back to this, the final day of the 23rd Olympiad, brought to you by Krusty Burger.
[furious] YOU PEOPLE ARE PIGS! [sobs] I personally am gonna spit in every 50th burger!
[surrounded by piles of free Krusty Burgers] I like those odds.
[Homer is in the hospital the day Lisa is born. Lisa is in her bassinet while Homer talks to her and Marge reads "Fretful Mother" magazine]
Little Lisa. I've already started you a college fund at Lincoln Savings and Loan.
According to this magazine, Bart might be jealous of her.
Yeah, well, Bart can kiss my hairy, yellow butt.
[Homer and Marge are discussing moving out]
I'm afraid we're going to need a bigger place.
No, we won't. I got it all figured out. The baby can have Bart's crib, and Bart can sleep with us until he's 21.
Won't that warp him?
My cousin Frank did it.
You don't have a cousin Frank.
He became Francine in '76, then he joined that cult. I think his name is "Mother Shabubu" now.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.