Barney Gumble quotes from The Simpsons

Barney

Hey, that looks like Princess Di! (pulls up to get a better look, not noticing that Homer has hit the ground): Oh, wait. That's just a pile of rags.

Barney

It begins!

Barney

Ow...! These gears down there really hurt!

Barney

All I remember about the last two months was giving a guest lecture at Villanova; or maybe it was a street corner.

Barney

Now as the Road Runner said to the coyote. [jumps in the air mimicking the Road Runner] Beep Beep! [runs off]

Barney

If we've learned anything from The Full Monty, it's that, in a tough economy, ugly people strip for money.

[singing] We're in the money. We're in the money. We got a lot of what it takes to get along!

Barney

So, Homer, what happened in Capital City?

Homer

Oh, Barney.

C'mon, Homer. We're dyin' of curiosity.

Homer

Look, there's only one thing worse than being a loser. It's being one of those guys that sits in a bar, telling the story of how he became a loser, and I never want that to happen to me.

Hey, that's my seat.

Bart

Correction: was your seat.

Barney

But I only got up to go to the can!

Homer

Hey, I don't see your name engraved on this bar stool.

Barney

Oh, man; you want a bad night? Try sleeping on one of these! [hands out a spiked shell]

Homer

[finding out Maggie disappeared from the crib] Barney, I've lost the baby! It's the worst thing I've ever done!

Barney

And I say that England's greatest prime minister was Lord Palmerston!

Pitt the Elder!

Barney

[stands up] LORD PALMERSTON!!

[pokes Barney in the chest] PITT...THE...ELDER!!!

Barney

OKAY, YOU ASKED FOR IT, BOGGS! [punches Boggs out]

Yeah, that's showin' him, Barney! [dismissively] Pitt the Elder.

Barney

LORD PALMERSTON!!!!! [punches Moe out]

Kent Brockman

Scott, everyone is here from the Mayor's illegitimate son to our own [camera focuses up] Duff blimp.

Barney

[aboard the Duff blimp] Hi. Can I drive?

Well, I can't see the harm.

Kent Brockman

[looks away] Oh, the humanity! Anyway, to turn on the store's severe tire damage spikes, here's Little Miss Springfield.

Homer

[angry] Mr. West, you said there was a job for me.

There was. When I called you, [camera zooms in dramatically] 45 minutes ago.

Barney

So long, Superman, your secret identity is safe with me.

You know, a town with money's a little like the mule with the spinning wheel. No one knows how he got it and danged if he knows how to use it.

Homer

Heh-heh, mule.

The name's Lanley, Lyle Lanley. And I come before you good people tonight with an idea. Probably the greatest —Aw, it's not for you. It's more a Shelbyville idea.

Mayor Quimby

Now, wait just a minute. We're twice as smart as the people of Shelbyville. Just tell us your idea and we'll vote for it.

All right, I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll show you my idea. I give you the Springfield Monorail! [everyone gasps] I've sold monorails to Brockway, Ogdenville, and North Haverbrook, and by gum, it put them on the map! Well sir, there's nothing on Earth like a genuine, bonafide, electrified six-car monorail! What'd I say?

Ned

Monorail!

What's it called?

Monorail.

That's right, monorail! [the crowd starts chanting "monorail" as Lyle begins to play piano]

I hear those things are awfully loud.

It glides as softly as a cloud!

Is there a chance the track could bend?

Not on your life, my Hindu friend!

Barney

What about us brain-dead slobs?

You'll be given cushy jobs!

Were you sent here by the Devil?

No, good sir, I'm on the level!

Chief Wiggum

The ring came off my pudding can.

Take my pen knife, my good man! I swear it's Springfield's only choice! Throw up your hands and raise your voice!

Monoraaaaaaail! (Lyle: What's it called?) Monoraaaaaaail!! (Lyle: Once again!) Monoraaaaaaail!!!

Marge

But Main Street's still all cracked and broken!

Bart

Sorry Mom, the mob has spoken!

Monoraaaaaaail! Monoraaaaaaail!! Monoraaaaaaail!!! MONORAIL!

Homer

Mono... [realizes the song is over] D'oh!

I, uh, brought you a little present. [gives Homer a can of beer]

Homer

No. No! Beer bring pain!

Barney

I can't stand to see him like that this. [Shoves a pillow in Homer's face. He than lifts up a water fountain, throws it at a window, jumps out and runs away]

He really needs a girlfriend.

Homer

Oh Marge. What if I wind up as some vegetable watching TV on the couch. My important work will never be completed.