[puzzled about the square-shaped hole in newspaper] Hey, who cut out Beetle Bailey? I want my Miss Buxley fix!
S12Treehouse of Horror XI
Did you see that? I did the deed, open up!
SPSt. Peter
[reading a newspaper] Oh I'm sorry, I wasn't looking.
Hey! I thought you guys could see everything!
SPSt. Peter
No, you're thinking of Santa Claus.
Well, I'll be damned.
SPSt. Peter
I'm afraid so, yes. [pulls a cord, sending Homer to hell & the sees the Devil standing behind him]
I am Homer Simpson--
Silence, sinner! Prepare for an eternity of horrible pain!
[as the Devil advances on him] Oh no...! [Devil starts giving Homer a noogie]
Ha-ha! [continues to Homer, as Homer cries in pain] Oh, be quiet. You'll wake up John Wayne.
JWJohn Wayne
[appearing from a nearby cave] I'm already up.
DDolphin
Your majesty! You're free at last!
They made me do tricks like a common seal!
Arr, I'm the Sea Captain. Arr. [both laughing]
[Takes a drink while swimming at night] Mmmm. Alcohol and night swimming. It's a winning combination!
[in high child's voice] Snorky speak man... [coughs, deep voice] I'm sorry, Let me start over. Eons ago, dolphins lived on the land.
MMoe
What did he say!
He said years ago dolphins used to lived on the land.
MMoe
[surprised] What?
Then your ancestors drove us into the sea, where we suffered for millions of years.
But you seemed so happy in the ocean. All that playful leaping...
We were trying to get out! It's cold, it's wet, every morning I wake up phlegmy.
Plus all that sewage we keep dumping.
[gasps] That was you?
It was her alright. [holds up Lisa] Take the one who wronged you!
I, King Snorky, hereby banish all humans to the sea!
CCrowd
Pushy Dolphins. I don't like that. [etc.]
MMoe
I... I tuned out. Where are we going?
[After the final story is over, but this episode isn't. The scene cuts to the bridge of Kang and Kodos's spaceship]
Can you believe it, Kodos? They left us out of the Halloween show.
Are you sure the space phone is working? [Kang tried it] Hang up, they could be trying to call right now!
I knew we should have sent them a muffin basket.
[The phone rings. Kodos answers]
Kang and Kodos Productions. Uh-huh. Yes. Just a second. Do we want to do a commercial for something called, "Old Navy?"
[shrugs] Ehh, work is work.
S12A Tale of Two Springfields
MMoe
Homer stole our rock performers! That fat, dumb, and bald guy sure plays some real hardball.
C'mon, Lis, there's gotta be a way to lure that badger out.
Well, according to whatbadgerseat.com, badgers subsist primarily on a diet of stoats, voles, and marmots.
[hunts through the kitchen cabinets] Hmm, stoats... stoats ...
Stoats are weasels, Bart. They don't come in cans.
Then what's this? [triumphantly holds up a can]
That says corn, Bart.
Must you embarrass me?
[Homer tries to call Animal Control but gets a special information tone]
RRecording
Your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please make sure you have the correct area code.
Area code? But it's a local call!
The phone company ran out of numbers, so they split the city into two area codes. Half the town keeps the old 6-3-6 area code, and our half gets 9-3-9.
9-3-9!? What the hell is that!!?? Oh, my life is ruined!
Geez, you just have to remember three extra numbers.
Oh, if only it were that easy Marge.
[about "New Springfield"] Scientists say they're also less attractive physically, and while we speak in a well-educated manner they tend to use low-brow expressions like "oh yeah?" and "come here a minute!"
Oh yeah? They think they're better than us, huh?! Bart, come here a minute.
You come here a minute!
Oh yeah?
[Homer looks at his hand which reads Lenny = white, Carl = black]
[confused] Is that right?
S12Insane Clown Poppy
[Homer and Bart try to unstick a drawer in the living room stand with a firework]
Homer, what are you doing?
Listen, do you want the job done right, or do you want it done fast?
Well, like all Americans, fast, but--
[lights the fuse] Clear!
[The firework explodes, knocking the drawer out and leaving blast marks, and Marge finds that she CAN slide it easily now]
You can't argue with results!
So, Mr. King, what tale of horror and the macabre are you working on now?
SKStephen King
Oh, I don't feel like writing horror right now.
Oh, that's too bad.
KKing
I'm working on a biography of Benjamin Franklin. He's a fascinating man. He discovered electricity, [menacingly, as dark clouds gather] and used it to torture small animals and green mountain men! And that key he tied to the end of a kite? [thunderclap] IT OPENED THE GATES OF HELL!
Well, let me know when you get back to horror.
KKing
[cheerfully] Will do! [Writes a note: Call Marge, Re: horror]
Look, Maggie, Christopher Walken's reading "Goodnight Moon".
CWChristopher Walken
"Goodnight room. Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon." [children listening slowly back away terrified] Please, children, scootch closer. Don't make me tell you again about the scootching. You in the red, chop-chop.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.