Selma quotes from The Simpsons ... TV Quotes Database

Played by Julie Kavner

The Simpsons · 3,477 quotes

In 20 of the 3,477 quotes from The Simpsons
Most scenes with: Homer Simpson (7), Marge Simpson (7), Patty (6)

Lines by Selma 1

Selma

You tried to kill me! I want a separation!

S3 Black Widower

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Scenes with Selma 19

Selma

Lisa, you'll sleep in my bed. Bart, you'll be sleeping with your Aunt Patty.

Bart

...In your bed?

Patty

Uh-huh. And just a warning: I'm told I snore. [chuckles. Bart and Lisa quickly grab each other's hands] Oh! Divorce Court is on in five minutes!

[The sisters leave]

Bart

I'm scared, Lisa.

Lisa

You think you know fear? Well, I've seen them naked!

[Bart screams]

S3 Homer Alone

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Selma

That MacGyver's a genius!

Sideshow Bob

First of all, he's not a genius: he's an actor! And second, he's not much of an actor!

Selma

You're lying! YOU'RE LYING!

Sideshow Bob

No, Selma; this is lying. [sarcastically] That was a well-plotted piece of non-claptrap that never made me want to retch!

Selma

NO! [runs out, sobbing]

S3 Black Widower

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LLLyle Lanley

You know, a town with money's a little like the mule with the spinning wheel. No one knows how he got it and danged if he knows how to use it.

[Everyone laughs except Homer who at first doesn't get the joke]

Homer

Heh-heh, mule.

LLLyle Lanley

The name's Lanley, Lyle Lanley. And I come before you good people tonight with an idea. Probably the greatest —Aw, it's not for you. It's more a Shelbyville idea.

Mayor Quimby

Now, wait just a minute. We're twice as smart as the people of Shelbyville. Just tell us your idea and we'll vote for it.

LLLyle Lanley

All right, I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll show you my idea. I give you the Springfield Monorail! [everyone gasps] I've sold monorails to Brockway, Ogdenville, and North Haverbrook, and by gum, it put them on the map! Well sir, there's nothing on Earth like a genuine, bonafide, electrified six-car monorail! What'd I say?

Ned

Monorail!

LLyle

What's it called?

PSPatty and Selma

Monorail.

LLyle

That's right, monorail! [the crowd starts chanting "monorail" as Lyle begins to play piano]

HMs. Hoover

I hear those things are awfully loud.

LLyle

It glides as softly as a cloud!

AApu

Is there a chance the track could bend?

LLyle

Not on your life, my Hindu friend!

Barney

What about us brain-dead slobs?

LLyle

You'll be given cushy jobs!

ASAbe Simpson

Were you sent here by the Devil?

LLyle

No, good sir, I'm on the level!

Chief Wiggum

The ring came off my pudding can.

LLyle

Take my pen knife, my good man! I swear it's Springfield's only choice! Throw up your hands and raise your voice!

AAll

Monoraaaaaaail! (Lyle: What's it called?) Monoraaaaaaail!! (Lyle: Once again!) Monoraaaaaaail!!!

Marge

But Main Street's still all cracked and broken!

Bart

Sorry Mom, the mob has spoken!

AAll

Monoraaaaaaail! Monoraaaaaaail!! Monoraaaaaaail!!! MONORAIL!

Homer

Mono... [realizes the song is over] D'oh!

S4 Marge vs. the Monorail

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Marge

Selma, your date's over already?

Selma

Yeah. I was so depressed, I ate a jar of expired olives. (sighs): I guess I'll never have a baby.

Lisa (as she's watching a Duff Gardens commercial where Lance Murdock and a bunch of unnamed riders are being knocked back and forth on a large version of a Newton's cradle): Aunt Selma, this may be presumptuous, but have you ever considered artificial insemination.

Homer (giggles): Boy, I don't know. You've got to be pretty desperate to make it with a robot.

(Marge whispers in Homer's ear what artificial insemination really is)

Homer

I knew that.

S4 Selma's Choice

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Bart

Hey Lise, I dare you to drink the water.

Lisa (looks down at the water they're floating on. It is a dark brown, sludgy mess): I'm not sure that is water...

Bart

Chicken. [begins clucking loudly]

Lisa

Quit it, Bart. Quit it! QUIT IT, QUIT IT!

Selma

Bart, be quiet! Lisa, drink the water!

(Lisa bends down and drinks some from her cupped hands. She groans as her grip on reality starts to slip. She stares at the Dutch girl robots)

Dutch Girl Robots (begins to sound discordant and ominous): Duff Beer for me/Duff Beer for you...(Lisa blinks and her eyes go white and hollow): I'll have a Duff...Duff...Duff... (the Dutch girl robots fade away into the darkness)

(the darkness of the ride is now punctuated with strange lights as Lisa begins acting paranoid)

Lisa

They're all around me! No way out! (cackles insanely): NO WAY OUT, I TELL YOU! (grabs Selma by her dress collar)

Selma (as a 1960s Jimi Hendrix-style rock version of the "Duff Beer for Me" jingle plays and Lisa sees Selma as a multi-eyed monster with green skin): What's wrong? Ah, you just put your head right here. (sticks out her shoulder. The shoulder suddenly grows a mouth and snarls. The mouth on Selma's shoulder turns into Lisa's screaming mouth. Zoom out to reveal Lisa swinging an oar at Selma and Bart)

S4 Selma's Choice

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[after Bart gets rescued from The Barrel Roll. Selma is speaking with the security guard as Bart is trying to keep his eyes open]

Selma

Don't blame these kids. [groans]: It's not their fault. I think their father is missing a chromosome.

SGSecurity Guard #1

Miss Bouvier, while we were rescuing this boy, hoodlums made off with three bumper cars!

[cut to Dolph, Jimbo, and Kearney -- who were previously arrested for being a roaming gang in the second Duff Gardens commercial -- driving down the road on three detached bumper cars that somehow are still functioning, laughing as they ride off into the sunset, past a sign that says "Leaving Duff Gardfns"]

[cut back to the security shack]

SGSecurity Guard #1

And I don't think George Washington will ever be the same.

[cut to a robotics engineer trying to fix the George Washington robot from the Duff Hall of Presidents, which is now reduced to just his head, only to back away as it starts jabbering]

[a second security guard and a man in a white doctor's coat come in with a pale and jittery Lisa, clad in only a towel]

Security Guard [as Lisa's hollow eyes dart frantically and her skin color goes from white to pale yellow]: We found this one swimming naked in the Fermentarium.

Lisa

I AM THE LIZARD QUEEN!

WCWhite-coated Man

Give her this...[gives Selma two pills]...and this...[gives her two more as Lisa is shivering]...and then these. [gives her an entire handful]

Selma

Thank you, doctor.

WCWhite-coated Man

Oh, I'm not a doctor.

S4 Selma's Choice

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Patty

When are you going to wake up and smell your husband, Marge?

Selma

Granted, you got some kids out of him. But when the seeds have been planted, you throw away the envelope.

S6 Homer vs. Patty & Selma

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Hibbert

Homer, this is your physician, Dr. Julius Hibbert. Can you tell us what it's like in there?

Homer

Um, it's like, uh... did anyone see the movie Tron?

No.

No.

No.

No.

No.

No.

No.

No.

Selma

No.

Frink

No.

Lovejoy

No.

Chief Wiggum

Yes. I no. I mean, no. No.

[Frink draws a strange diagram on the wall]

Lisa

Well, where's my dad?

Frink

Well, it should be obvious to even the most dim-witted individual who holds an advanced degree in hyperbolic topology, n'gee, that Homer Simpson has stumbled into... [lights off] the third di-mension.

Lisa

[switches the light on] Sorry.

Frink

[draws a square on the chalkboard] Here is an ordinary square.

Chief Wiggum

Whoa, whoa! Slow down, egghead.

Frank

But suppose we extend the square beyond the two dimensions of our universe... along the hypothetical "Z" axis there.

EEveryone

[gasps]

Frink

This forms a three-dimensional object known as a cube, or a "Frinkahedron," in honor of its discoverer, n-gl'hey, n'hey.

Homer

[in echo voice] Help me! Are you helping me? Or are you going on and on?

Frink

Oh, right. And, of course, within we find the doomed individual.

Chief Wiggum

Enough of your borax, Poindexter! A man's life is at stake. We need action!

[Wiggum takes out his gun and fires into the wall]

Chief Wiggum

Take that, you lousy dimension!

S7 Homer3 (Homer Cubed)

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Selma

[to Marge] Remember when we were kids, we used to dream about our ideal husbands? Who knew the dream would come true for one of us? [uncomfortable pause] Oh, come on! Guess which one.

Homer

I know! I know! It's Selma, right?

S7 A Fish Called Selma

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[The citizens of Springfield are watching slides that show Maison Derriere's clients]

[Slide of Dr. Hibbert]

Bernice

Julius!

[Slide of Chief Wiggum]

SSarah

Clancy!

[Slide of Skinner]

Chalmers

Skinner?

Agnes

Seymour!

Seymour

Mother...

[Slide of Patty]

Selma

[off-screen] Patty?

[Slide of Cletus]

Brandine

Cletus!

[Slide of Barney, to which nobody reacts]

MMoe

... Oh, uh... Barney.

[Slide of Chief Wiggum]

SSarah

Clancy!

Chief Wiggum

Hey, come on, you did me twice.

[Slide of Smithers]

Mr. Burns

Smithers?

SSmithers

My... my parents insisted I give it a try, sir.

[Slide of Quimby, wearing a "Mayor" sash]

Luann

Mayor Quimby!

QQuimby

Uh, well, that could be any mayor.

Marge

I rest my case.

QQuimby

Er, uh, well... eh, in light of these new facts, of which I now realize I was largely aware, I must take action. All in favor of demolishing our beloved burlesque house, raise your hands.

S8 Bart After Dark

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Bart

Excuse me, did you repossess this dog from a guy named Santos L. Harper?

RMRepo Man

Yeah, I remember this mutt. We sold him to some guy wearing a dress.

[At Patty and Selma's front door]

Selma

No Bart, I did not buy your dog. Now, I gotta go keep an eye on Selma. She thinks she swallowed a band aid.

[Inside Groundskeeper Willy's shack]

WWilly

Yea I had your dog and I ate him. [takes a bite of chicken]