The Simpsons · Season 2
Your grades have gotten steadily worse since the beginning of the term. Are you aware of that?
Yes, ma'am.
Are you aware that there is a major exam tomorrow on colonial America?
Yes, ma'am.
Blablahblablah blahblahblablahblah?
Yes, ma'am.
Blahblah blahblablablahBLABLAH..?
Yes, ma'am.
BART! You haven't been paying attention to a word I said, have you?
Yes, ma'am.
Well, then, what did I say?
Uuhhhh...."Straighten up and fly right?"
Ptch - that was a lucky guess!
Hey, Bart Dude! Woah, you look freaked!
Hey, Otto, man; I have a test today that I am not ready for! Could you please crash the bus or something?
Sorry, Bart Dude. Can't do it on purpose. But, hey, maybe you'll get lucky!
[to himself] Alright. No need to panic. Just find an egghead, pump up for some answers, and boom, I'm back on Easy Street. [sees Sherri and Terri in the distance. Grinning, he makes his way over to them]
Look at him. I'll bet he didn't study again!
And now he's gonna try and kiss up and get answers from us.
He's pathetic!
Good morning, girls!
Good morning, Bart.
Say, who's up for a little cram session? I'll go first. What was the name of the Pilgrims' boat?
The Spirit of St. Louis.
And where'd they land?
Sunny Acapulco.
And why'd they leave England?
Giant rats.
[writing down the information in a notebook] Cool, history's coming alive!
[The bus arrives at Springfield Elementary. As the students disembark, Sherri and Terri giggle softly at their trick]
[approaching Bart] As a natural enemy, I don't know why I should care, but the information regarding America's colonial period you received is erroneous.
Meaning....
A blindfolded chimp with a pencil in his teeth has a better chance of passing this test than you do.
Thanks for the pep talk...
[Bart in class. Students are finishing their history tests and submit them to the teacher]
Later, Mrs. K.
Please turn in your exam, Bart. Class is over.
You think you could grade it now, please?
Well, alright. Let me get "Old Red". [produces a red pen and begins marking up the test] Well, Bart, it's a 59, that's another F.
Oh, no...I can't believe it.
I know, I know, another year together, oh, it's gonna be hell. [Bart begins to cry] What's the matter, Bart? I thought you'd be used to failing by now.
[sobbing] No, you don't understand! I really tried this time! I mean, I really tried!
[comforts Bart] There, there.
This is as good as I can do, and I still failed!
Well, a 59, it's a high F...
Who am I kidding? I really am a failure. [sobs] Oh, now I know how George Washington felt when he surrendered Fort Necessity to the French in 1754!
[after watching a commercial about Dimoxinil] Hair. Hair. Just like everybody else.
So I say, forget you pal! Thanks for nothing! And I storm right out of there.
Ah ha, that's telling him, Homer.
D'oh! Out of tartar sauce. They call this a portion? Hey, Lenny. Are you gonna use your sauce? Dry fish sticks! This sucks.
Quit complaining, chrome-dome.
D'oh! If I had hair, you wouldn't be calling me that!
[Mr. Burns and Smithers study security camera footage]
Morons. Pathetic morons in my employ, stealing my precious money. This is hopeless. None of these cretins deserves a promotion.
Well, it’s in the union contract, sir. One token promotion from within per year.
Wait! Who is that young go-getter? [points at a monitor with Homer on it with hair]
Well, it sort of looks like [chuckles] Homer Simpson, only more dynamic and resourceful-looking.
Simpson, huh? Hmm. An unspoiled lump of clay to mold in my own image. Our new junior executive. Bring him to me!
[on the intercom] Attention Homer Simpson, you have been promoted. You are now an executive. Take three minutes to say good-bye to your former friends; then report to room 503 for reassignment to a better life.
You don't belong here.
Huh?
You don't belong here. You're a fraud, a phoney, and it's only a matter of time 'til they find you out.
[gasps] Who told you?
You did. You told me that the way you slump your shoulders, the...the way you talk into your chest, the way you smother yourself in bargain basement green polyester! [grabs his hands] I want you to say to yourself, "I deserve this. I love it. I am nature's greatest miracle!" Go ahead, say it.
I-I-
Trust me, Homer!
I...
Take a step and say it!
I deserve this...
Louder!
I DESERVE THIS!
SHOUT IT!
I AM NATURE'S GREATEST MIRACLE!
I'll need three weeks vacation and moving expenses.
YOU GOT IT, BUDDY!
Let's go shopping!
[Bart is foolishly putting Dimoxinil on his face to grow a beard]
[comes in] Bart! What are you doing?!
Uh-oh. [accidentally drops the Dimoxinil, and it spills all over the floor]
[Homer and Bart freak out screaming]
[turns red with anger] Why, you little..! [Bart cowardly runs out of his father's room screaming, as the latter furiously chases him, angrily growling. He clumsily trips over the lamp and angrily strangles Bart] Boy must die!
I love you, Dad!
D'oh! Dirty trick. Okay, I'm not gonna kill you, but I'm gonna tell you three things that are going to haunt you for the rest of your days: You've ruined your father, you've crippled your family, and baldness is hereditary!
It is?!
I just came to say goodbye to the gals in the typing pool.
Yeah, well, thanks for the speech, Carl, but I can't give it. [takes off his hat] Look at me!
I guess I hadn't taught you anything!
What do you mean?
Don't you see? The tartar sauce, the bathroom key, drying your boss's hands, you did it all! It was never the hair! You did it because you believed you could, and you still can.
No, I can't. I'm such a big fool!
Oh no, you're not!
How do you know?
Because my mother taught me to never kiss a fool!
[angry over Homer's failed speech] Well, well...our dashing young junior executive. You made a mockery of our meeting! I should fire you on the spot! [calms down] But I'm not going to.
[confused] Why?
How old do you think I am?
I don't know...102?
I'm only 81. [produces photo album. First photo shows him as a baby with a full head of hair] You may find this hard to believe, but in my salad days...my glory was a bright shock of strawberry blonde curls. [subsequent photos show him playing sports and at school dances] Oh, I was big man on campus, until my senior year... [final photo shows him in a lab with a receding hairline] ...when I became as bald as a plucked chicken. [sadly] You see, Simpson...I too know the sting of...male-patterned baldness. That's why I'm giving you your old job back.
What? [bends his knees] Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you!
Oh, now get outta here before I reconsider.
Oh. [gets up and leaves] Better hurry up.
Hello, everyone. You know, Halloween is a very strange holiday. Personally, I don't understand it. Kids worshiping ghosts, pretending to be devils… things on TV that are complete inappropriate for younger viewers. Things like the following half hour, nothing seems to bother my kids, but tonight's show, which I totally wash my hands of, is was really scary. So if you have sensitive children, maybe you should tuck them into bed early tonight, instead of writing us angry letters tomorrow. Thanks for your attention.
I'm not going to live in a house of evil just to save a few dollars.
Don't be so stubborn! We're not talking about a few dollars, [he's suddenly lifted up] we're talking about a few thousand dollars! [realizes this and freaks out screaming as he hits the ceiling backwards] It's got great high ceilings! AHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Uh, tell you what. [gets up] Let's sleep on it, okay?
Mmmm...Okay. Whatever happens...
What could happen?
[Marge groans]
Marge: [Marge sees Homer, Bart, Lisa, and Maggie fighting each other, and she gasps.] What is going on out here? Homer, Bart, Lisa, Maggie, stop it!
[shouting at the house] Quit trying to push us around! Stop saying those horrible things and show some manners!
Here I opened wide the door-
This better be good.
Darkness there and nothing more.
You know what would have been scarier than nothing?
What?
Anything!
Quoth the raven-
Eat my shorts!
Bart, stop it! He says "Nevermore." And that's all he'll ever say.
Okay, okay.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
