[during Krusty's monologue on Tuesday Night Live]
We got a great show for ya. Well, actually, the last half-hour is a real garbage dump! [sighs]: We'll be right back.
S4Brother from the Same Planet
[as the band from Tuesday Night Live plays before going to commercial]:
I miss Joe Piscopo.
This just in, a fist-fight is in progress in downtown Springfield. Initial reports indicate, and these are very preliminary, that one of the fighters is a giant lizard. [shot of Godzilla appears in the background.] Do we have a source on this? Uh-huh, a bunch of drunken frat boys. All right, I could use some names. "I.P Freely". Uh... [realizes] Grrr!
[after Bart comes home] Hello, son. Where have you been?
Playing with Milhouse.
[angrily] No, you haven't! You've been out gallivanting around with that floozy of a bigger brother of yours! Haven't you? Haven't you? Look at me!
Dad, it just kind of happened. You're taking this too hard.
How would you like me to take it? Go ahead, Bart. Have your fun. I'll be waiting for you? I'm sorry. I can't do it!
Well, what are you gonna do?
Oh-ho. You'll see.
S4I Love Lisa
[Lisa opens a package from Ralph.]
A Malibu Stacy convertible! [she finds a note from Ralph] "Look in the tunk." He must mean "trunk". [opens trunk] Two tickets to the Krusty Anniversary Show! Oh, he must want me to go with him.
That's not fair! I'm ten times the Krusty fan you are. I even have the Krusty Home Pregnancy test!
I'm not sure if I should go. I don't even like him.
You're right, Lis. You shouldn't go. It wouldn't be honest. I'll go disguised as you.
But what if he wants to hold hands?
I'm prepared to make that sacrifice.
What if he wants to kiss?
I'm prepared to make that sacrifice.
What if he wants to--
You don't want to know how far I'll go.
Chief Wiggum, how'd you ever get these tickets?
Krusty knows how to play ball.
(Flashback: Establishing shot of the Springfield-X porno theater as raunchy, guitar-backed porno music plays. The buzzing marquee reads: "Now Playing: Debbie Does Springfield". Cut to inside where Krusty the Clown is watching the movie. Chief Wiggum comes in and takes a seat behind Krusty while eating from a bucket of popcorn)
Ah, nothing beats a good porno movie.
Krusty (recognizes the voice and turns back to face Wiggum with fear in his voice): Chief Wiggum?! Is this a bust?
Chief Wiggum (unable to answer the question honestly): Uh...yeah. That's just what it is: a bust.
(cut back to Lisa talking to Wiggum from the back seat of his police cruiser)
That story isn't suitable for children.
Really? I keep my pants on in this version.
[Determined to avenge Ralph for being harshly spurned by Lisa, Chief Wiggum pulls Homer over.]
Is there a problem, officer?
CWChief Wiggum
Yep. Got a tail-light out.
Where?
WWiggum
[smashes a tail-light] Right there.
[angrily] You know, one day, honest citizens are gonna stand up to you crooked cops!
WWiggum
[alarmed] They are? Oh no! Have they set a date?
S4Duffless
Hey, that looks like Princess Di! (pulls up to get a better look, not noticing that Homer has hit the ground): Oh, wait. That's just a pile of rags.
[At an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.]
OOtto
My name is Ot-to. I love to get blot-to.
My name is Hans. Drinking has ruined my life. I'm 31 years old.
My name is Homer and I'm just here because the court made me come.
Homer, with our help, you'll never touch a beer again.
[Homer immediately screams and jumps through a window.]
[singing as he pours his six pack of Duff down the sink] When I was 17, I drank some very good beer. I drank some very good beer, I purchased with a fake ID. My name was Brian McGee. I stayed up listening to Queen. When I was 17.
S4Last Exit to Springfield
[Mr. Burns and Smithers watch Homer tear up the union contract on a hidden camera]
Who is that firebrand, Smithers?
That's Homer Simpson, sir.
Simpson, eh? New man?
Actually, sir, he thwarted your campaign for governor, you ran over his son, he saved the plant from meltdown, his wife painted you in the nude...
...Eh, doesn't ring a bell.
Cool! She'll be a freak.
Bart!
We can stick her in a trailer, drive her around the South and charge two bits a gander.
We don't have to be adversaries, Homer! We both want a fair union contract!
[internally] Why is Mr. Burns being so nice to me?
And if you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours!
Wait a minute... is he coming onto me?
I mean, if I should slip something into your pocket, what's the harm?
My God, he is coming onto me!
After all... negotiations make strange bedfellows! [chuckles, clicks his tongue and winks]
[screams]
[gets up] Sorry, Mr. Burns, but I don't go in for these backdoor shenanigans. Sure, I'm flattered – maybe even a little curious. But the answer is no!
Do you really think you can get our dental plan back?
Well, that depends on who's the better negotiator, Mr. Burns or me...
Dad, I'll trade you this delicious doorstop for your crummy old Danish.
Done and done!
[Mr. Burns has called in an elderly strikebreaking team led by Grampa Simpson.]
We can't bust heads like we used to, but we have our ways. [other strikebreakers mutter in agreement] One trick is to tell 'em stories that don't go anywhere. Like the time I caught the ferry to Shelbyville: I needed a new heel for m'shoe. So, I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. "Gimme five bees for a quarter," you'd say. Now, where were we? Oh, yeah. The important thing was that I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn't have any white onions, because o' the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones...
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.