The Simpsons · Season 1
[dressed as Santa with Bart on his lap] And what's your name, Bart...ner....uh, little partner?
I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you?
[angry] I'm Jolly Old Saint Nick!
Oh, yeah? We'll just see about that. [tries to pull off Homer's fake Santa beard]
[The photographer takes a picture of Homer looking at Bart furiously]
D'oh!
[singing] We're in the money. We're in the money. We got a lot of what it takes to get along!
[The family is playing Scrabble]
My turn. Kwyjibo. K-W-Y-J-I-B-O, 22 points, plus triple word score, plus 50 points for using all my letters. Game's over, I'm outta here. [about to leave]
[grabs Bart's arm] Wait a minute, you little cheater! You're not going anywhere until you tell me what a kwyjibo is.
Kwyjibo. Uh... [looks at Homer, who lets go of his arm] a big, dumb, balding North American ape. With no chin.
[Homer is offended and angrily looks down at Bart more]
And a short temper.
[turns red in anger] I'll show you a big, dumb, balding ape! [angrily chases Bart]
Uh-oh! Kwyjibo on the loose!
[sees the writing on the school wall about him saying he's a wiener, but in an incorrect sentence] Whoever did this is in very deep trouble.
And a sloppy speller, too. The preferred spelling of "wiener" is W-I-E-N-E-R. Although, "I-E" is an acceptable ethnic variant.
Good point. Boys, let's see your hands. [checks Lewis's hands] Mm-hmm. [checks Milhouse's hands] Good. [checks Richard's hands] Clean. [goes to Bart] Simpson?
[Bart shows Skinner his red painted hands]
You might say you caught him red-handed.
Simpson, you and I are going to have a little talk.
Same time, same place?
Yes. In my office after school.
Ooh!
[Bart gulps]
[singing] Toreador, oh, don't spit on the floor. Please use the cuspidor. That's what it's for.
[Bart and Homer laughing]
Bart, stop fooling around. Homer, stop encouraging him.
Don't stifle the boy, Marge. We're supposed to encourage him.
Shush!
Who's the lard butt?
He's the bullfighter.
No way a bull's gonna miss a target that big, man.
[Lisa, Bart, and their father laughing]
Dad, I got to tell you something, hope you won't be too mad.
What is it, son?
I'm not a genius, dad.
What?
I cheated on the intelligent test. I'm sorry. But I just wanna say that the past few weeks have been great! Me and you've done stuff together, you've helped me out with things, we're closer than we've ever been. I love you, dad, and I think if something can bring us that close, it can't possibly be bad.
[pauses; turns red in anger] Why you little...! [chases his son angrily]
Uh-oh! [runs screaming]
What's going on out there?
I think Bart's stupid again, Mom.
Oh, well.
[Bart runs into his room and closes the door]
[pounding on the door] You can't stay in there forever!
[locks the door] I can try!
[pounding] March your butt right out here! Now!
[hops on his bed] No way, man!
[continues pounding] Bart! I-! [stops himself with a crafty smile] Son, if you don't come out, I can't hug you and kiss you and make you feel all better.
[sits on his bed, reading comic books and drinking soda] You think I'm dumb enough to fall for that?! I'm insulted!
[Homer turns red, howls in rage and continues pounding at the door]
[The cartoon character Smilin' Joe Fission informs Bart's class about nuclear energy]
Uh-oh. Whoops. Looks there's a little leftover nuclear waste. No problem. [trucks the waste under a rug] I'll just put it where nobody'll find it for a million years.
Moe's Tavern.
Is Mr. Freely there?
Who?
Freely, first initials I. P.
Hold on, I'll check. Uh, is I. P. Freely here? Hey, everybody! I pee freely! [the customers laugh] Wait a minute...Listen to me you lousy bum. When I get a hold of you, you're dead. I swear I'm gonna slice your heart in half!
[Bart and Lisa laugh, before Moe hangs up]
You'll get that punk someday, Moe.
I don't know. He's tough to catch. He keeps changing his name.
Afternoon, Mr. Burns!
Ah, hello there, uh..uh....
[whispers to Smithers] Simpson, Homer.
[gives cue card] Here you go, sir.
Ah! Oh, yes. Oh, and this must be your lovely wife... [reads] Marge. Oh, and look a little...Lisa. Why, she's growing like a weed. And this must be... [lifts his thumb covering Bart's name] Brat!
Bart.
Don't correct the man, Brat!
[Dr. Monroe diagnoses the Simpsons' problem when he sees the rest of the family drawing Homer as they see him. Not paying attention to their disgust, he gets lost and draws an airplane with bombs on them]
[to Homer] Well, if you had been paying attention, perhaps you would have noticed that your family sees you as a rather stern authority figure, an ogre, if you will.
Now, Doctor, that's not true.
Ogre is such a strong word.
Right on, Doc! Another successful diagnosis.
That does it!
[Homer grabs a lamp and tries to hit Bart with it]
Whoa! [takes the lamp from Homer with a chuckle] Okay, you want to kill each other. That's good. That's healthy.
Do I smell cupcakes? [opens the oven] Ooh, do I ever!
Uh-uh, Homer. Lisa's making these for her teacher.
Ah. Say no more. [closes it and seconds later Bart opens it]
Yum! Don't mind if I do!
Bart! [drags him back into the kitchen]
Oh, man!
[daydream begins] Okay, Nelson. Put up your dukes! [a big shadow looms over him] Whaaaa! [runs into a school hall and closes the door, getting punched by a big hand, Nelson stomps the door down] Yikes! [throws a knives at Nelson, as he drags them off]
Ha, ha, ha! [Bart grabs a machine gun and fires at Nelson] Ha, ha, ha!
Oh! [throws a machine gun at Nelson, who catches and eats it whole. He screams as he runs up some stairs, which he's followed by Nelson, the stairs stops at a dead end and Nelson is about to pick him up] Uh-oh.
Mmmmmm, lunchtime! Ha, ha, ha! Lunchtime!
[As Nelson swallows him whole, Bart screams while he travels down Nelson's esophagus. The nightmare ends as Milhouse wakes Bart up, telling him that it's lunchtime]
Lunchtime, Bart. It's lunchtime.
I ain't gonna get out of the fourth grade alive.
Well, Bart, I hope you're going straight to the principal about this!
I guess I should do that.
What?! And violate the code of the schoolyard?! I'd rather Bart die!
What on Earth are you talking about, Homer?!
The code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a boy how to be a man! Let's see: Don't tattle, always make fun of those different from you, never say anything unless you're sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do, and what else...?
[strict] Yeah, right! This ought to be good for a laugh!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
