Martin Prince quotes from The Simpsons

[sees the writing on the school wall about him saying he's a wiener, but in an incorrect sentence] Whoever did this is in very deep trouble.

Martin

And a sloppy speller, too. The preferred spelling of "wiener" is W-I-E-N-E-R. Although, "I-E" is an acceptable ethnic variant.

Good point. Boys, let's see your hands. [checks Lewis's hands] Mm-hmm. [checks Milhouse's hands] Good. [checks Richard's hands] Clean. [goes to Bart] Simpson?

[Bart shows Skinner his red painted hands]

Martin

You might say you caught him red-handed.

Simpson, you and I are going to have a little talk.

Same time, same place?

Yes. In my office after school.

MLMilhouse, Lewis, and Richard

Ooh!

[Bart gulps]

S1 Bart the Genius

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OOtto

Hey, Bart Dude! Woah, you look freaked!

Hey, Otto, man; I have a test today that I am not ready for! Could you please crash the bus or something?

OOtto

Sorry, Bart Dude. Can't do it on purpose. But, hey, maybe you'll get lucky!

[to himself] Alright. No need to panic. Just find an egghead, pump up for some answers, and boom, I'm back on Easy Street. [sees Sherri and Terri in the distance. Grinning, he makes his way over to them]

TTerri

Look at him. I'll bet he didn't study again!

SSherri

And now he's gonna try and kiss up and get answers from us.

TTerri

He's pathetic!

Good morning, girls!

STSherri and Terri

Good morning, Bart.

Say, who's up for a little cram session? I'll go first. What was the name of the Pilgrims' boat?

SSherri

The Spirit of St. Louis.

And where'd they land?

TTerri

Sunny Acapulco.

And why'd they leave England?

SSherri

Giant rats.

[writing down the information in a notebook] Cool, history's coming alive!

[The bus arrives at Springfield Elementary. As the students disembark, Sherri and Terri giggle softly at their trick]

Martin

[approaching Bart] As a natural enemy, I don't know why I should care, but the information regarding America's colonial period you received is erroneous.

Meaning....

Martin

A blindfolded chimp with a pencil in his teeth has a better chance of passing this test than you do.

Thanks for the pep talk...

S2 Bart Gets an F

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[Bart in class. Students are finishing their history tests and submit them to the teacher]

Martin

Later, Mrs. K.

Please turn in your exam, Bart. Class is over.

You think you could grade it now, please?

Well, alright. Let me get "Old Red". [produces a red pen and begins marking up the test] Well, Bart, it's a 59, that's another F.

Oh, no...I can't believe it.

I know, I know, another year together, oh, it's gonna be hell. [Bart begins to cry] What's the matter, Bart? I thought you'd be used to failing by now.

[sobbing] No, you don't understand! I really tried this time! I mean, I really tried!

[comforts Bart] There, there.

This is as good as I can do, and I still failed!

Well, a 59, it's a high F...

Who am I kidding? I really am a failure. [sobs] Oh, now I know how George Washington felt when he surrendered Fort Necessity to the French in 1754!

S2 Bart Gets an F

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And here's comes Snowball II. This is the one we kept.

AAll

EWWW!!

We were gonna keep the grey one, but the mother ate her.

AAll

EWWWW!!!

Martin

Mrs. Krabappel, he's traumatizing the children!

Krabappel

As usual, I agree with you, Martin. Bart, shut that off and take your seat immediately!

Oh look, this is really cool. When I hit reverse, I can make 'em go back in!

AAll

AAAHHHHHH!!!!

S2 Lisa's Substitute

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Martin

[excitedly] As your president, I would demand a science fiction library, featuring an ABC of the overlords of the genre: Asimov, Bester, Clarke –

Wendell

What about Ray Bradbury?

Martin

[dismissively] – I'm aware of his work. [excitedly] Thank you, and keep watching the skies!

S2 Lisa's Substitute

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Homer

Bart, I bet you think nothing's gonna top that cactus. Well, check out my present.

Next.

Marge

Bart, be polite.

Next, please.

Martin

Bart, I've noticed...your birthday presents are a poor crop at best. [picks up a present] I hope this turns the tide.

[Bart opens his present]

Patty

Ooh, just gorgeous.

Martin

Now we can be twins.

S3 Radio Bart

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[Bart's class is having Show and Tell]

Someday, I want to be an F-14 pilot like my hero, Tom. He lent me this new weapon called a neural disrupter.

[Bart demonstrates the sheer power of the neural disrupter by shooting it at Martin's forehead]

Martin

Hey...

[falls down on the ground, twitching]

He's not dead, is he Bart?

Nah, but I wouldn't give him any homework for awhile.

Very good, Bart. Thank you.

Oh, don't thank me. Thank an unprecedented eight-year military build-up.

Mmm. Milhouse, you're next.

Uh, I have a horsey.

[mimics his toy horse neighing weakly which then trails off]

S4 Brother from the Same Planet

Wuss!

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I'm telling you, I do work on the Krusty show. Look at the Credits! [presses "play"]

Krusty

Bye bye, kids! [laughs] [credits roll, then after a few seconds they are squeezed for a news promo]

Kent Brockman

I'm Kent Brockman. On the 11:00 news tonight, a certain kind of soft drink has been found to be lethal. We won't tell you which one after sports and the weather with Funny Sonny Storm.

[Pausing the tape and pointing to his name on the screen] There's my name, right here, Bart Simpson.

Looks more like Brad Storch.

Martin

No, it says Betty. Betty Symington.

[Punching Bart in the stomach] That's for taking credit for other people's work.

S5 Bart Gets Famous

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I have nothing to offer you but my love.

I specifically said no geeks!

[dejected] But my mom says I'm cool...

Next!

NMNelson Muntz

Give me your fortune or I'll pound your withered old face in!

Ooh, I like his energy. Put him on the callback list.

Martin Prince

[Singing] Clang, clang, clang went the trolley! Ring, ring, ring went the bell! Zing, zing, zing went my heartstrings--

[Nelson runs onto the stage and cold cocks him. Martin collapses.]

Thank you. Give the bully an extra point.

Lisa

[clears throat] I propose to you that your heir not need be a boy. In this phallocentric society of ours -

Mr Burns

I don't know what 'phallocentric' means, but no girls!

[offstage, in a dress and wig] So much for Plan B.

S5 Burns' Heir

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Martin

Okay, piglet, start squealing. Where'd you get the lemons for this lemonade?

BBoy

Uh...this is Country Time lemonade mix. There's never been anything close to a lemon in it, I swear!

BBrother

Hey, nobody hassles my little brother.

Martin

Hey! And no one manhandles the bosom chum of Nelson Muntz! Spring forth, burly protector, and save me!

[After several seconds, Nelson slowly emerges out of hiding from a tree]

Aww, geez. I never hang out with him, normally.

[Nelson casually tosses the bully to the side, to the delight of Martin]

Martin

[skips around Nelson] Hark to the tale of Nelson...

And the boy he loved so dear...

[Nelson takes a swing at Martin, but misses]

Martin

They remain the best of friends for years and years and years.

S6 Lemon of Troy

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Martin

Aw, a car impound lot: the impenetrable fortress of suburbia!

We'll never get the tree back now.

Keep your voices down, boys; we didn't come this far to get found out.

Homer

FOUND 'EM! YOU KIDS ARE IN SO MUCH TROUBLE, RUNNING FROM HOME LIKE THAT!

S7 Raging Abe Simpson and His Grumbling Grandson in "The Curse of the Flying Hellfish

They stole our lemon tree!

S6 Lemon of Troy

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Martin

Dickety? Highly dubious!

Grampa

What are you cackling at, fatty?! Too much pie, that's your problem!

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[Wendell and his colleagues get food poisoning from the oysters at the Princes' backyard.]

Wendell

Oh, my tummmmmmmyyyyyyyyyy!!!! [collapses on Martin Sr.'s shoes]

Martin Sr.: [to Martha] I told you we should've served cake instead of oysters!

Martin

I'm ruined!

[punches Martin] Ha-haugh... [collapses on the ground]

S8 Grade School Confidential

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SSmithers

Our first little genius is Ralph Wiggum.

[Ralph wanders on-stage with a re-labelled Malibu Stacey dollhouse]

SSmithers

[chuckles indulgently] It's pretty good, sir.

Hot tub? Media room? It's supposed to be a power plant! Not Anne Bueller's bordello! Thank you, get out. Next!

[long pause]

Chief Wiggum

Uh, Ralphie? Get off the stage, sweetheart!

[Martin walks on-stage with his impressive power plant model]

Martin

Behold! The power plant of the future...today!

Ugh! Too cold and sterile. Where's the heart?

Martin

But it really generates power. It's lighting this room right now!

[Martin turns a knob on the model and dims the lights]