Krusty the Clown quotes from The Simpsons

Krusty

I hope all you kids come out this weekend and really pack this place, just to show em how grateful I am. I told them you would! Don't make me a liar!

Krusty

Didn't Itchy Jr. look happy playing with his father? And didn't Scratchy Jr. look happy playing with his dad until they got run over by a thresher? Wasn't that a beautiful cartoon? [pause as Krusty looks absolutely broken, with quivering lips, blood-shot eyes, and a thousand-yard stare, before he breaks down sobbing] Ah, for the love of God, cut to a commercial!

Krusty

We got a great show for ya. Well, actually, the last half-hour is a real garbage dump! [sighs]: We'll be right back.

Krusty

These Krusty brand balloons are 3 bucks each. Get a cheap one, and what happens? Goes off! Takes out the eyeballs of every kid in the room! What's that gonna cost ya? [to his accountant] Hey, Bill, what'd that cost us?

Krusty

Who needs friends!? The incessant beep of the global positioning system is all the companionship I need. [The GPS electrocutes Krusty. In a fury, he throws it overboard.] Tell me where you are now, you bastard!

Krusty

Hey, hey, kids! Now that the feds are calling the shots, this show's gotta be a lot more cost-effective. So we had to cut down on the thrills, like sets, props, costumes and Sideshow Mel. But that doesn't mean we can't have fun! For example, I sure wish someone would give me a banana cream pie! Yeah. Uh...

Krusty

I guess we can't afford pies right now. Well throw something!

Krusty

OW! Oh, the corner hit... ughhhh....

Krusty

But I love that plane! I used to fly to Vegas in it with Dean Martin! One night he looked out the window, and the moon hit his eye like a big pizza pie! We wrote a song about it! But it ended up infringing on one he'd recorded years before...

Krusty the Clown

Hey-hey! It's great to be here at the Apollo Theater, and -- [notices the unfortunate initials of his comedy special behind him]: "KKK"? That's not good. [audience begins booing and chucking bottles and tomatoes at him]

Krusty the Clown

"Legends of Comedy", my tuchus! What has Fatty Arbuckle done that I haven't done?

Krusty

So have a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Krazy Kwanzaa, a Tip-Top Tet, and a solemn, dignified Ramadan. And now, a word from my god, our sponsor...

Krusty

Listen, kid, I'm not the kind of dad who, you know, does things, or says stuff or looks at ya. But the love is there!

Krusty

Shut up, Updike!

Krusty

Why don't I have a star?! I'm much better than... (squints) Chaim Potok?! What is he, a Klingon?!

Krusty The Clown

Now in the spirit of the holiday season, start shopping! And for every dollar of Krusty merchandise you buy, I will be nice to a sick kid. For legal purposes, "sick kids" may include hookers with a cold.

Krusty

[Showing his place setting] Check it out! Dribble glass! Rubber knife! Whoopie salad! [stabs his fork into the salad, which makes a farting noise; chuckles] And finally, the break-away wine bottle! [hits the bottle hard on his head, but it doesn't break] ...did not arrive. [collapses with a groan onto table]