[being burned on a frying pan by Kang and Kodos] Am I the only one here who's in horrible pain?
[eating himself on a frozen dish] You're the only one who won't shut up about it!
S16Treehouse of Horror XV
[Ned has been suffering a series of premonitions that have come true]
Oh Lord, why have you given me these unholy visions of doom!? [Ned sees he is standing outside a theater performing the Rosie O'Donnell Musical. He has another premonition of the show being cancelled after three performances]
[scoffs] Well, I didn't need any special power to know that was coming!
Ned has shot Homer, who wobbles back and forth and finally falls next to the core destruct button.
[sighs in relief]
Homer's tongue flops on to the button and presses it.
Oh, you stupid son of a--
Springfield explodes. Ned and Homer are sent to Heaven behind the gate.
Homer, I'm so mad at you. I bet you blew up the town just to get out cleaning the garage! Yeah, Well, the joke's on you, smart guy, the garage made it to Heaven too!
[the garage now has wings and a halo]
Homer Simpson, it's time you got what's coming to you... your Frisbee.
Captain!
Science officer!
Security!
Marge!
Now I insist you take off your shoes when you get inside. And while you're in there, grab as much cancer as you can.
Mr. Flanders, why are you moving?
Cause I had a vision of myself... shooting your father.
In this neighborhood, who hasn't?
Well, you can't fight fate, but if you must shoot our father, please remember our family motto: "Not in the face."
Well, well, well, look who's here. Master Detective Eliza Simpson and her easily amazed sidekick, Dr. Bartley.
BDr. Bartley
What's this? A doorknob! Good show!
[after eating eel pie] We British sure eat crap.
PCPurveyor [Comic Book Guy]
You may examine my curios, but do not touch my oddities. Use your judgment with my gewgaws.
[spots Flanders and his sons as shrunken heads] I recognize the missionaries!
I just told a Native they were having sex the wrong way.
[to Lou] Why can't you be more like Eddie? He never says a word against me.
That's 'cause you cut out his tongue.
[without a tongue] E's 'ight 'eef.
[escaping in a hot-air balloon] You'll never catch me! I'm traveling at the speed of wind! Ha, ha, ha! [a spaceship pops the balloon which causes it to spin away into the distance] Remember me for my police work and not the murders!
Why is my swimsuit so revealing?
Marge, that's what turns a mediocre voyage into a fantastic voyage.
[to Marge] Mom, did you have to fly out through all those boogers?
Cut me some slack, I'm a widow.
You don't want to piss off a man who can kick you in the crotch from the inside.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.