Kent Brockman quotes from The Simpsons

Kent Brockman

This just in, a fist-fight is in progress in downtown Springfield. Initial reports indicate, and these are very preliminary, that one of the fighters is a giant lizard. [shot of Godzilla appears in the background.] Do we have a source on this? Uh-huh, a bunch of drunken frat boys. All right, I could use some names. "I.P Freely". Uh... [realizes] Grrr!

Kent Brockman

Scott, things aren't as happy as they used to be down here at the Unemployment Office, joblessness is no longer just for philosophy majors... now at the risk of sounding unpopular, this reporter places the blame for all of this squarely on you [pointing at the camera] the viewers!

Kent Brockman

So isn't that what we're all asking in our own lives – "Where's my elephant?" I know that's what I've been asking.

Kent Brockman

This is hour 57 of our live, round-the-clock coverage outside the Simpson estate. Remember, by the way, to tune in at 8:00 for highlights of today's vigil, including when the garbage man came and when Marge Simpson put the cat out... possibly because it was harassed, we don't know. Of course, there's no way to see into the Simpson home without some kind of infrared heat-sensitive camera. So, let's turn it on. Now, this technology is new to me, but, I'm pretty sure that's Homer Simpson in the oven, rotating slowly. (closeup of a turkey in a rotisserie) His body temperature has risen to over 400 degrees; he's literally stewing in his own juices. [in the TV studio] Now, here are some results from our phone-in poll: 95% of the people believe Homer Simpson is guilty. Of course, this is just a television poll which is not legally binding, unless Proposition 304 passes; and we all pray it will.

Kent Brockman

[on TV] Good morning, everybody. Panic is gripping Springfield as giant advertising mascots rampage through the city. Perhaps it's part of some daring new ad campaign, but what new product could justify such carnage? [behind him, a poster of himself comes to life] A cleanser? A fat-free fudge cake that doesn't let you down in the flavor department like so many others? Would... [gets grabbed by his giant doppelganger] D-ooh! Let me go... no! Stop! No!

Kent Brockman

Well, sir, treason season started early this year as (a black and white picture of Homer dressed as a Russian, doing a Cossack dance, and holding a bottle of vodka with St. Basil's Cathedral in Moscow behind him appears next to Kent as he continues reading): a nuclear sub was hijacked by local man, Homer Simpson.

Kent Brockman

This is Kent Brockman, reporting from... my own home, in accordance with the new curfew for anyone under seventy.

Kent Brockman

Whether you're Christian, or just non-Jewish, everyone loves Santa Claus!

Kent Brockman

The Spellympics is being sued by the Olympics for use of the suffix 'lympics.' This has got to be the slowest news day ever!

Kent

[to himself as he smokes a cigarette] Oh god, I love to smoke. [realizing the camera is on] We're live at the latest opening of the epic space saga "Cosmic Wars". And, the nerds emerge from their basements wearing strange costumes to shield their pasty skin from the moonlight.

Kent Brockman

Channel 6 News rocks! A car chase every night or the weather girl wears a tube top, and if she doesn't, you win a pizza!

Kent Brockman

America has a tradition of turning outlaws into legends after their deaths: Billy the Kid, Bonnie and Clyde, Jesus Christ. Joining them now is Robert "Sideshow Bob" Terwilliger, whose funeral we're presenting with live shovel-to-shovel coverage.

Kent

Now to go back to my loving family.

Kent Brockman

Dr. Marvin Monroe in Vienna, would you care to comment in all of this?

Uh...well, Kent...to me, the hijinks of a few cartoon characters absolutely pale in comparison with the crippling emotional problems a psychiatrist runs into every day. I'm-I'm referring it to women who love too much, fear of winning, sexaholism, stuff like that.

Kent

So you have no professional objection to Itchy & Scratchy?

No, not at all. In fact...one of my guilty little pleasures is to snuggle up with a big bucket of butter popcorn, dim the lights, turn on Itchy & Scratchy and...laugh myself silly. And the hell is wrong with that?

Kent Brockman

Uh, Mr. Burns, people are calling this a meltdown.

Mr. Burns

[over the hotline] Oh, meltdown. It's one of these annoying buzzwords. We prefer to call it an unrequested fission surplus.