The Simpsons · Season 7
[Smithers sits in a confessional.]
Father, I'm not a Catholic, but... I tried to march in the St. Patrick's Day parade... anyway, I've got a rather large sin to confess. I'm the one who... [breaks down sobbing] who shot Mr. Burns!
[Chief Wiggum opens the screen and cocks his pistol.]
That's all I needed to hear. Boy, this thing works great.
[Eddie and Lou interrogate Moe with a lie detector.]
Did you hold a grudge against Montgomery Burns?
No. [buzz, red light] All right, maybe I did. But I didn't shoot him! [ding, green light]
Checks out. Okay, sir, you're free to go.
Good, 'cause I got a hot date tonight. [buzz] A date. [buzz] Dinner with friends. [buzz] Dinner alone. [buzz] Watching TV alone. [buzz] All right! I'm going to sit at home and ogle the ladies in the Victoria's Secret catalog! [buzz] ... [hangs head] Sears catalog. [ding] Now, would you unhook this already, please?! I don't deserve this kind of shabby treatment! [buzz]
[Homer is pointing Chief Wiggum's gun at Mr. Burns's forehead]
Say it, Burns! Say I never shot you! ...before.
[unaware] Shot? By you, my primitive friend, I'm afraid not. Your kind has neither the cranial capacity nor the opposable digits to correctly operate a firearm. The one who shot me was...[scans the crowd; screams] MAGGIE SIMPSON!
Officers, arrest the baby!
Yeah, right, pops. No jury in the world is gonna convict a baby... maybe Texas.
[Executive producer is looking through Variety magazine to scout out a potential location to film the Radioactive Man movie. He sees full page colorful ads that say "Film New York", "Film Utah" and "Film Texas" before coming to a small section that says "Flim Springfield" [sic] ]
Wow, look at that ad! This town must be hot. They don't need a big ad or even correct spelling! [buzzes his secretary] Get me two tickets to the state Springfield is in!
George Burns was right. Show business is a hideous bitch goddess.
Cheer up, Bart. Milhouse is still going to need a true friend. Someone to tell him he's great. Someone to rub lotion on him. Someone he can hurl whiskey bottles at when he's feeling low.
You're right, Lis, I can suck up to him. Like the religious people suck up to God.
[Chief Wiggum has given Milhouse's scent to a pack of vicious-looking police dogs. They bolt off, barking and snarling aggressively]
Ok, we can all stop worrying now. These dogs never fail.
[exchanges a worried glance with Luanne] But... will they just find Milhouse, or will they find him and kill him?
Well, they'll... when they find him, they'll um... they'll humm...um...um...um...[murmuring so quietly he can barely be heard] ...bust him...
[frowns] Uh, excuse me, you didn't answer me. You just trailed off.
[rubs back of neck] Yeah. Yeah, I did kinda trail off there, didn't I? [laughs nervously]
[as he's hit by a wave of sulfuric acid] My eyes! The goggles do nothing!
[Homer and Marge enjoy a day at the spa, lounging in a sauna]
This is soooo relaxing. Homie, this is a wonderful idea.
Hehehe, yeah. If that Mafia guy weren't staring at us, I'd take off my towel.
[off-camera] Aw don't mind-a me. Look, I do it first.
[The sound of a towel dropping to the floor is heard. Homer and Marge stare uncomfortably]
[dressed up for school pictures] I feel like punching myself!
[to Bart, Lisa and Maggie] Now just relax, kids. All were doing is taking you to... [ominously] a foster home!
[Bart and Lisa have been taken by Social Welfare and are taken to the Flanders' house.]
We leave you the kids for three hours and the county takes them away?!
Oh, bitch, bitch, bitch!
Okay, don't panic! To find Flanders, you just have to think like Flanders...
I'm a big four-eyed lame-o. I wear the same stupid sweater everyday at--
The Springfield River!
Wow, Dad, you took a baptismal for me. How do you feel?
[blissfully] Oh, Bartholomew, I feel like St. Augustine of Hippo after his conversion by Ambrose of Milan.
Wait! Homer, what did you just say?
[nastily] I SAID, "SHUT YOUR UGLY FACE, FLANDERS!!"
Oh, fair enough.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
