Never Mind the Buzzcocks quotes

ABBA comprised of Agnetha, Benny, Bjorn and Anni-Frid and took their name from their initials. Four English singers tried repeat ABBA's success, but unfortunately William, Annie, Nigel and Keith - yes I said William, Annie, Nigel and Keith - couldn't think of a name. Agnetha eventually left ABBA, they replaced her with Ursula, and formed Abbu, who went on a spree of terror and destruction throughout the Middle East.

Shaun [Ryder] is an ex-Post Office worker who sang with the Happy Mondays and in 1993 formed Black Grape. So Shaun if you're watching, that's what you've been up to.

Okay, Whis... (collapses in hysterical laughter after accidentally almost reading out a song on the card!)

When we said no words, we specifically mean the ones in the title, Clare!

Did you hear that?

No I didn't, it sounded like "wus".

I want the full intro on this one.

Go for the vocal line, kids!

Phill

You ready?

No I haven't a clue! Could you whisper some...?

Phill

I tell you what Clare, take a seat, sweetheart! (Clare sits down)

I've had a complete mind block with that one!

Phill

It's alright Clare, it doesn't matter!

Because I've been so helpful so far...

Phill

You were a pop star in the 80s, they weren't important! Doesn't matter! Forget it!

Excuse me, can I just say I was not a pop star, I was in fact the Pixie of Pop!

Phill

Oh I'm sorry, yeah, and I'm the Jabba the Hutt of jokes!

That was Vortex with "Open the Gate", although it did look scarily like Boy George pre-Culture Club, didn't it? What do you think the scary bloke was singing there?

Phill

There's nothing quite like a fat goth, is there, Mark?

By the way, the make-up artist never worked again after that.

Phill

She never worked before! (audience laugther) The dubbing was top, wasn't it?

Very good, it was like one of those Chinese films: (moves his lips differently to the words he says) "I'm gonna kick your head in!"

You could tell he was miming 'cos the bone wasn't plugged in! (in the video, vocalist Jurjen 'Thundervox' Tichelaar sings into a bone)

Phill

It's not the first badly dubbed Dutch video I've seen with a bone in someone's hand, Mark! (Mark and audience laughter and applause. Phill turns to Tony) You liked it, didn't you?

I did, yeah...

Phill

You just whispered into my ear "I've got this album", didn't you? "These are great!" (to Gary) You think there's a food connection, don't you?

Yeah, I got "Against the wall of a savoury low-fat cake."

I got "Bright arse is a plan of beautiful bits...

It's much nicer than "Bright arse, burning like fire", isn't it?

Phill

We've got a line about, "We've got some tights, a bag, a beautiful pair; sometimes a donkey you will see." All together boys...

"We've reached the land of Hull..." (audience laughter)

Phill

"...Bring mangoes off the boat; And then talk Vortex student braille." You see, behind all the make-up and everything they've got a social conscience.

I've gone a bit further on - "You know the smell of chili from that night..."

The last line is "A lemon slice and a savoury whale", quite popular in Dutchland.

Phill

They're hungry, they're socially conscious, they're angry, they're Dutch, they look like pandas.

Would you like to sing that along with the band?

Phill

Would we ever? (The music video starts up)

(singing)

I'm sorry to bring you this news, but that wasn't the real words! The real words were:

I'm gonna give you a point from charity's sake. The band Vortex were formed after the breakup of Werewolf and Thunderfox. We don't know a lot about Werewolf and Thunderfox, although with names like that, they probably have shagged Ulrika Jonsson.

Can I just say, this is so scary, I'm gonna have my gay card taken away for not knowing that! I'm gonna be disqualified! Gay bars will go "No, you got that wrong on Never Mind the Buzzcocks! Get out of town!"

How many points have you got on it on the moment? "Three more and you're out."

I know, exactly.

You'll have to shag girls! What's the exam like when you get your card?

It's very tough.

Is it an oral?

To be fair to you, while they were doing that I could hear the bloke who sang this turn in his grave, and he's not even dead!

(Opening the show after a very poor performance from Chris Moyles the previous week and the ensuing week-long public feud between the two) Hello, I'm Mark Lamarr and welcome to Never Mind the Buzzcocks, the pop quiz that likes to say "we're sorry". As you may have read in some of the papers recently we've been accused of being less than welcoming to one of our guests. To give our side of the story we've never actually had a model on the show before, so all of us were a little uneasy. And while I don't think we were actually rude, heaven forfend, I would point out that life on a quiz show may be slightly different to what you're used to on the catwalk. (an unflattering picture of Moyles appears on the screens behind Mark) Never Mind the Buzzcocks, the show that says sorry seems to be the hardest word, whereas "DIE YOU OILY PIG IN A DUNCE HAT!" rolls off the tongue quite nicely!

Phill

Everyone's so helpful - and nice - on this show!

(shakes his fist) Moyles!

Phill

(as Blaikie from On The Buses) I 'ate yew, Moyles!

Let's do the Scooby-Doo ending. And it would've worked too if it weren't for that pesky fat cunt Moyles!

(introducing Keith Chegwin) Cheggers says the worst advice he's ever been given was "Go on, have a drink." The second worst was "Go on... television."

Sunday afternoon, lot of cars in a field selling gear out the back.

Incorrect. That's a car boot sale. What a booty call is, is we're all very aware about pregnancy in pop recently, and here we have an example, not this lady (points to the screen), but the other one, Mel. She's pregnant.

Yes.

She has needs, other needs. She has to make these needs known. She has to phone Mothercare and order baby clothes, little booties...

I got where you're coming from. No.

It's actually something that pirates do, like "Jim, lad, we've found the treasure!"

Tom Robinson and his "pieces of eight" material, ladies and gentlemen.

It's an 0898 number for pirates. (as a pirate) "Arr, looking to call a pirate? Want to talk to other pirates? Call 0898..."

Sean

Um, I wish "Sussudio" was Phil Collins' dying words.

I think it's of some reference to masturbation. Seriously, there's a bit...

What, cause he did that (imitates Phil Collins playing air slap bass) in the middle? What a show off.

Goes like that in the middle and then goes to the microphone, doesn't he?

Sean

You do that when you're wanking?

Sometimes.

Sean

(imitating Keith) Pass the microphone. What are you on about?

Keith, I think all of us, apart from maybe Tom grew up as kids watching you on television, don't want to know about you masturbating. There are only so many mental pictures I can file away, and that ain't gonna be one of them.

No wonder you were so perky on "Saturday Superstore"!

You couldn't get me off.

Phill

"Cheggers GOES Pop"! Let's leave and come back! We turned up in the studio, there was some load of old wank about pirates, and then Cheggers started talking about walloping, it was a nightmare! What a nightmare night out!

Sean

You call it "walloping"?

Phill

I call it "walloping", yeah!

Have you never heard of "bashing the bishop"?

Sean

Yes...

Walloping.

Sean

Not in front of Neil, his dad is a bishop!

I bashed him furiously!