A character in Never Mind the Buzzcocks
4th most-quoted character in Never Mind the Buzzcocks: in 49 of its 480 quotes
Most scenes with: Simon (32), Phill (12), Mark Lamarr (4)
[Talking about the line up]
Number five is the proprietor of a remote guest house. "Yeeaass? There's room in the east wing. Eehaha! Would you like me to run you a bath? Breakfast is served between 7:00 and 7:03...ON MY BACK Eeeeahahahahaha!!"
[About a Billy Idol video]
There's a fantastic shot of a toaster that seems, uh...it's actually, it's the very rare, the genie of the toaster. It's uh, rub it three times: "I am the genie of the toaster! You have three wishes...providing they are of a...toast...based...nature..."...
What I love actually, I love this, I found out about The Spice Girls, they offered the fans via their website the chance they would play in any city in the world, and there was a massive internet campaign saying "Baghdad"! And in the end, they went, they just ignored it and went "Oh, you meant Toronto? Yes we'll go there!"
Nice to see you taking notes there, Bill
I just like to be, uh, apposite of the facts.
No you don't, you like to say cheese and weasels then go "urrh".
Or Cheesels as I like to call them. A weaselly snack with a cheese finish.
I thought you was down with Westwood, man.
I'm not down with Westwood!
No? I thought you was down with that, the bitches and the hoes and wh- [Romeo starts laughing]
Oh I understand the phrase bitches and hoes. Disrespectful terms for ladies.
I thought you said ditches and hose. Like a landscape gardening thing. "I'll be down with my ditches, and my hose. Later on I'll be building a water feature!"
"She may be the beauty or the beast..."? Bill, I think you'll know this one.
Well, he's definitely the beast, right? We've established that.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Beardy!
You can't really call someone Beardy if you've got a beard, Bill.
Why Mark, this is not a beard. It's a small South American mammal...that I've trained to crouch very still.
[Being teased by Simon]
Er.. bovvered? Face?
Wide.
[During the Identity Parade, when all the guests were dressed in bird outfits]
BIRD FLU! [Everyone but Andy runs out of their seat and off the set. Andy covers his face with his arms]
[Later]
[On the subject of bird number 4] It doesn't look like any bird ... I don't understand ... it's a hybrid. It looks like some kind of -
It looks like Phill! Look at the belly of it! Go and stand next to it! [Phill stands next to the bird] Look!
[Into his microphone] If we are very quiet we can hear the mating calls - [Phill makes a noise while Bill continues] - of the Essex bird.
I think Patrick Kielty-
Is fantastic.
I think more of a cunt.
What! Excuse me...you can't say that word.
What? Kielty?
Because you don't have one.
So I can't say it?
No.
But I haven't got an umbrella...
[Reading an intro] "They told him don't you ever come around here..."?
Uh...because you're a registered sex offender.
[About Sugababes]
Ungodly? Is there anything specific about that?
I think it was just a lot of wiggling of vaginas...that sort of thing.
Hold on, hold on...does a vagina wiggle?! Not that I've ever seen one but; so please inform me.
Well, I'm not an expert...
There's nothing quite like the riveting T.V stylings of two homosexuals discussing fannies, is there?
[Discussing strategies to stay young]
The marrowbone from goats, that's good as well, isn't it.
Have you...
Have I sucked marrowbone from a goat? No.
But I bet you could.
You cheated!
Yeah, I cheated. And what of it? You ain't the boss of me. I ain't never gonna be your bitch!
Talk to the hand 'cause the wrist is pissed.
You've out-gayed me, Barrowman!
[Exaggerated accent] Let's have a gay-off! Ready? Lips pursed, hands on the table, and go!
...I haven't even told my mum yet.
[About a gorilla coat] I should say that that coat is not made out of gorilla.
Is it not?
It's made out of Desert Orchid.
So we're starting a war with the So-Solid crew.
Simon, we can't take on da Crew!
Yeah we can, Bill. What about it? Why don't Bill and I come around and sleep with your wives? And Phill, he's loaded and ready to go! Lets go! I'm coming over with my sex men!
I have the ears of death!
And I have a penis! What have you got Phill?
I've got 300 pounds that you probably won't be able to get from underneath. So it's not a shag, it's more a fight for survival!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Never Mind the Buzzcocks pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
Never Mind the Buzzcocks · 480 quotes
