(Phill and James do their first intro - "Fools Gold")
RRufus
You know something, I know who it is, I clearly know the song and I don't know the name of this Stone Roses classic, and everyone in Manchester is like (in a Mancunian accent with appropriate hand gestures) "What a fuckin' wanker! That's why we should 'ave 'im on the telly up 'ere, so then it makes EastEnders look like fuckin' Shameless!" (in his normal voice, rolling his eyes, sneering at the camera) Well that would be good for a week. Er... Oh, "Fools Gold", no? "Fools Gold"!
Do you know? You're absolutely right! (audience applause) Here is how it should have sounded. (Fools Gold plays in)
You got that right, but you can never gig up north again!
RRufus
(makes a mocking crying gesture to camera) There's a group of people looking at me going (in a Mancunian accent) "But 'e's not talkin' about things at the end of my road!" (in his normal voice) If you like that, go and watch Peter Kay, he's brilliant at remembering!
(Noel and Imelda are doing "Ziggy Stardust" in the Intros round.)
I know, I know, I know, I know, I just can't say the words!
(Noel and Imelda repeat the intro over and over. By the second time, Phill, James and Rufus have joined in, by the third, Terry joined in, and at the fourth, Rufus leads the audience in.)
RRufus
I tell you something, Terry, they didn't use to get audience participation when Amstell was the chair. He hated people.
After this show, I'm not that keen on them myself!
...
Well, that was David Bowie with Ziggy Stardust. After a difficult interview I came close to slapping David Bowie. I can't tell you exactly what I thought of him but I almost blanked him in the blankety-blank the totally blankety-blanker!
(In Identity Parade, Noel's team have to identify Cheryl Baker of Bucks Fizz. The lineup are all wearing joke glasses with fake noses and moustaches)
That was Bucks Fizz with Making Your Mind Up;, so Noel's team, which of our lineup is the singer Cheryl Baker? Is it number one, Making Your Mind Up? Or number two, I've Made Me Mind Up? Number three, I Definitely Know Who It Is? Number four, I'm Having Second Thoughts? Or number five, Oh No It's Number Two? (Number two - the real Cheryl Baker - laughs)
Did you see? Two's laughing, it's number two, she's laughing.
RRufus
What do you mean "it's number two, she's laughing"? You mean the one who looks like exactly like Cheryl Baker!?
Look, you can't see what we can see, it's like transsexual Frank Zappas, it's terrifying!
People that haven't got HDTV look at the whole lineup and think The Nolans are back together.
I think it's number two...
RRufus
(shouting) WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU THINK IT'S NUMBER TWO!? IT'S NUMBER TWO! THE ONE THAT LOOKS LIKE CHERYL BAKER, THAT IN HIS INTRODUCTION TERRY SAID IT WAS!
Whoa, whoa, wait a sec Terry! Easy!
You know, we wanna make sure...
I've got the authority of a seven year old girl! This is ridiculous! Edith's useless, (to Imelda) you're dressed as a ladybird, (to Terry) it's number two!
Number two... Will the real Cheryl Baker please step forward? (Cheryl Baker - number two - steps forward and takes off her fake glasses to cheers and applause) It's number two! Now touring with The Original Bucks Fizz, Cheryl Baker, ladies and gentlemen, Cheryl.
Never Mind the Buzzcocks · 480 quotes
