Mark Lamarr quotes from Never Mind the Buzzcocks

ABBA comprised of Agnetha, Benny, Bjorn and Anni-Frid and took their name from their initials. Four English singers tried repeat ABBA's success, but unfortunately William, Annie, Nigel and Keith - yes I said William, Annie, Nigel and Keith - couldn't think of a name. Agnetha eventually left ABBA, they replaced her with Ursula, and formed Abbu, who went on a spree of terror and destruction throughout the Middle East.

Shaun [Ryder] is an ex-Post Office worker who sang with the Happy Mondays and in 1993 formed Black Grape. So Shaun if you're watching, that's what you've been up to.

To be fair to you, while they were doing that I could hear the bloke who sang this turn in his grave, and he's not even dead!

(Opening the show after a very poor performance from Chris Moyles the previous week and the ensuing week-long public feud between the two) Hello, I'm Mark Lamarr and welcome to Never Mind the Buzzcocks, the pop quiz that likes to say "we're sorry". As you may have read in some of the papers recently we've been accused of being less than welcoming to one of our guests. To give our side of the story we've never actually had a model on the show before, so all of us were a little uneasy. And while I don't think we were actually rude, heaven forfend, I would point out that life on a quiz show may be slightly different to what you're used to on the catwalk. (an unflattering picture of Moyles appears on the screens behind Mark) Never Mind the Buzzcocks, the show that says sorry seems to be the hardest word, whereas "DIE YOU OILY PIG IN A DUNCE HAT!" rolls off the tongue quite nicely!

(introducing Keith Chegwin) Cheggers says the worst advice he's ever been given was "Go on, have a drink." The second worst was "Go on... television."

At one gig Noel Gallagher spotted Chris Evans in the audience and said rather cleverly "Alright, Ginger Bollocks! Oi, Twatty Face! Shut it, you Ginger Bastard!" Quick as a flash, Chris said "Get me Danny Baker on the phone, I need a witty reply."

In July 1974 Mama Cass died while staying in a London flat after choking on a pork pie. Strangely, Keith Moon of The Who died in the same flat a few years later. He tripped over her body and banged his head on the sink. (Mark almost cracks up a few seconds later!) Mama Cass' vocal range increased dramatically after she was hit over the head with a lead pipe in 1965. I feel it's our duty to see if the same technique will work with Aqua. In fact, it's my personal mission. And if, by any chance, they're on tour with Celine Dion, the more the merrier. I'll find you, Aqua! I'll find you if I have to knock on every door in Stockholm fresh from the plumber's merchants, (stands up and points at the camera) and if it doesn't work first time I'll try and try again! I'll make of you singers yet, you Euro-pop ponces if it takes a Joe Pesci-size beating! And Celine Dion, your heart won't go on but there'll be plenty of beating believe me, you maple leaf hag! YOU'RE NEXT IN LINE!

(introducing David) Since leaving Dollar, David's career has gone on the up. He now runs a number of stalls in Brighton selling burgers and flowers. So if you fancy some carnations stinking of beef and Calor gas, there's your man.

Midge Ure's ex-wife Annabel Giles recently referred to herself as a B-list celebrity. Good news, Britain, that means we're all A-list celebrities! Including the pigeons!

This has been Never Mind the Buzzcocks, I've been Mark Lamarr... (The chimes play one more time) (to David) I think you've got to go back to the mothership!

In 1978, Tony's first TV series was cancelled when Iggy Pop appeared live with a horse's tail sticking out of his arse. According to Iggy's biographer, it all started when he swallowed a fly that afternoon and things got out of hand.

According to his publicity you can recognise Omar by his trademark hair which tails above his head. To be honest I'm not sure I'd recognise Omar even if he had a badge which said "I'm Omar", and a passport, a full set of dental records, a breakdown of DNA and both parents pointing at him saying "That's our son, Omar, the pop singer!" Until I see a Blockbuster card I trust no-one!

Among the many things Morrissey has said on record he actually hates are:

When Carlos Santana first met his future wife Deborah, he said "She smelled like something I wanted to wake up next to for the rest of my life". It's beautiful, isn't it? Finding a woman who smells like a bacon sandwich and a can of Irn Bru? [Pretending to cry] You're a lucky man, Carlos!

Wet Wet Wet eventually got so sick of "Love Is All Around" that they wrote to their record company, demanding the song be taken off the market. And since I found that fact out, I've spent six months trying to forge James Blunt's signature: "Dear James Blunt's record company. It's me, James Blunt. My records are rubbish. Please stop putting them out. Thanks. Bluntie. PS: You can stab me in the eye as well if you want."