Missy Elliott is famous for her expensive jewellery, her love of flashy cars and for owning more than 4,000 pairs of trainers. Which sounds impressive until you hear David owns 200-weight of diced onions and a loft full of gherkins!
DDavid
They've been good to me, those sausages, you know!
You keep that for your autobiography, sunbeam! And, I'll be the judge of that, cheeky-chops!
DDavid
I might not be here without those.
Yeah, he's got his van parked outside.
So what do you want us to do? Thank sausages you're here?
DDavid
Give them all vouchers (gestures to the audience) when they're leaving, buy a sausage!
Vouchers so they can buy a sausage? People can buy sausages anyway.
They don't need a voucher, it's not Poland!
You've got special sausages?
DDavid
Yeah. The proof is in the pudding.
You sell pudding as well?
Can we have a look at the newspaper headline?
(cut to still from the video showing the front page of the Daily Mail - the headline reads "MILLIONAIRESS LOST IN JUNGLE - $100,000 REWARD")
Well it's the Daily Mail so no doubt at the bottom it'll say like "millions of Ethiopians are dying, they'll probably move next door to you tomorrow!"
Well it would be good if they moved next door to him (points to David) he could feed them, can't he?
They don't all like sausages though, they're used to rice and stuff. (to David) Do you do rice?
No, no, it's alright. This was the same time that Guys n' Dolls were about, yeah?
DDavid
No it was a bit later, actually... (an ice-cream van's chimes play "Oh Dear! What Can the Matter Be?")
DDavid
I've gotta go! (gets up) Gotta make some money! (sits back down again) You're gonna let me go as well, aren't you?
I wasn't gonna cry for you to come back! You must feel very at home with the team captains - a 99 and a Flake!
I'm a little bit peckish, I don't know why! (the chimes play again) Mummy, the onion ring man is here!
Did you put "Van" in your name after you got the van, or is that just a coincidence?
I don't think it's a music video at all...
It's Ally McCoist and he comes out and shags Midge and goes, "You're Scottish, you'll do!"
Midge & McCoist. Urgh, what a bad porn film that would make! You'd never buy a porn film with "Midge" in the title, would you?
Not again anyway, that's for sure!
Although I would buy one called "The Magic Sausage", which is one of my favourite operas.
I really don't think it's a music video, I think it's a soap powder commercial, a really long-winded one. "Do you want to know how to get rid of dirt? Grime? Grass stains? Snake venom? Midge Ure? Use new Daz!" That might be it.
Also to be in the jungle and do the Challenge, that would be pretty cruel, wouldn't it? "Is this better than your normal soap powder?" "We haven't got a normal soap powder, we haven't got anything to eat! Although hold on, what's that noise?" (the chimes ring again and Ricky puts his hand up)
DDavid
(laughing) Can we have some reverb?
DDavid
(starts whistling into his microphone with a bit of reverb)
Are you calling for a dog?
It's the eerie burger man! That would be a great advert to keep kids off fried food - him!
Is it recent or is it quite old?
Have you ever had electric shock treatment?
DDavid
I burnt myself on a cooker once!
DDavid
(Provides a decent backing for Sean)
A-bum-tish, a-bum-tish, a-bum-tish, shish kebab! Shish kebab! Shish kebab! You're obsessed man!
(David collapses in hysterics)
DDavid
They probably are still working, this group. I'm still working so they must still be working.
But you're working in a burger van!
DDavid
I do the odd date.
In what band do you play with now? Bucks Fizz?
DDavid
Dollar, Bucks Fizz, you name it. Guys n' Dolls...
DDavid
Could do a tribute to Pink Floyd.
Really? What, and not play for a long time?
Okay, Sean's team you need six to win, your time starts now. "I believe in miracles..."
Hence David's on the show!
"Where you from, you sexy thing", Hot Chocolate. "You don't have to say you love me, just be close at hand...
DDavid
"You don't have to stay forever, I will understand." Number five for Guys n' Dolls in 1975.
Yep. "And the only way to get rid of this great big onion..."
Sorry, we're closed half-day Tuesday.
It's unbelievably The Onion Song by Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell. The next line - "is to plant love seeds until it dies." "Mirror mirror mon amour..."
DDavid
"Mirror mirror mon amour, send me what I'm waiting for..."
That's right, yeah. Dollar. "I was so upset that I cried all the way to the chip shop..."
DDavid
Is it Elvis Presley... boy lives down the... chip shop... and he thinks he's Elvis Presley...
Have you just had a stroke? 'Cos that's "There's a Guy Works Down the Chip Shop Swears He's Elvis" (Time up!)
It was actually "and when I came out, there was Gordon standing at the bus stop" from Jilted John by Jilted John. Do you know what? It comes as a great shock to me that you haven't won!
[About David Gest's friend Michael Jackson]
Awwww, be nice to the baby-dangling freak....Sorry, sorry, it just slipped out.
[Laughter]
He didn't mean it, did he? He loves that child. He just wanted the people to see! And if he drops it...so? The fans need something!
David, you must have met Grace Jones. Or married her?
DDavid
So far, Michael Jackson...should we keep going? I'm keeping count.
That's your type though, slightly unhinged gay icon, right? Have you met Grace Jones?
Call yourself a starfucker?
[Talking about David's love life]
DDavid
I'm seeing someone but I'm still ready to go.
DDavid
She's a business woman.
Oh, I see, a prostitute! [Laughter]...Sometimes I'm so ashamed of what I say.
By the way, David Cross is a big American star. (to David) We were worried you wouldn't know what the hell anyone is talking about, I've written out some pop facts for you (hands David some cards) just so you can use them and if you need them at any point, then they're there.
DDavid
Okay... (reading from a card) "Mis-Teeq's Sabrina has the middle name Frederica!" (to the audience) It's true! It's really true!
DDavid
You know what? This is kind of weird... (reading from a card) "Kavarna thinks that Italy is the most romantic country in the world, and he would love to live there one day!" People are weird.
(whispers to David) Kavana.
DDavid
Kavana is what... (audience laughter and applause) Kavana is what he refers to himself... in public... but those who truly know him, like myself...
(After Noel's team's Intros round, where Ryan has failed to get either Intro correct)
Don't worry, Ryan, it's alright. You look a bit upset. Don't worry about it.
DDavid
Here, read that to yourself. (hands Ryan one of his cards)
RRyan
(reading from the card) "Sinéad from B*Witched says the most nervewracking thing she's ever done is sit a piano exam."
Never Mind the Buzzcocks · 480 quotes
