Noel quotes from Never Mind the Buzzcocks

Noel

I like the authentic punk dance. That is like a child dizzy on lemonade.

Noel

They said that they were Boosh fans to us. And they wanted some T-shirts. They were going to wear them on Top Of The Pops. And we didn't have any T-shirts, so I hand painted some...and I was supposed to meet their tour manager at, like, three in the morning in Camden. So I'm standing there on my own with hand painted T-shirts...and he didn't turn up! He just fell asleep! So, they didn't get any T-shirts-

How long were you there for?

Noel

Oh...four minutes.

Simon

There's a DJ Spoony on Radio One..

There is...who's the last one on at night?

Phill

Westwood.

Go to bed with Westwood, wake up with Moyles!

Bill Bailey

Waking up with Moyles? Ugh!

Noel

He's no spoon, is he?

No.

Noel

He's a shovel!

Noel

Number five's not really been given a fair chance, has he? He's been given dungarees and a perm.

The international symbol of inbreeding.

Simon

How dare you!

Simon

[sadly] Everyone knows Courtney Love apart from me.

Noel

She'd crush you like a Twiglet.

Simon

She would. Or kill me and make it look like suicide. [Noel looks shocked while an on-screen disclaimer reads "Simon Amstell is definitely wrong."] I don't know what I'm talking about, I don't know what I'm saying; I saw a documentary, I dont know what I'm saying.

Simon

The recent Ian Curtis biopic Control was shot in gritty black and white, much like Richard Fleeshman's new video. Only time will tell who the real troubled genius is... (stifled audience laughter. Simon checks his watch.)

Noel

Honestly, if you diss him (points at Richard) one more time... I'll slash you up.

And I'm gonna watch!

Noel

I'm gonna give you a Chinese burn and Kristen's gonna pour...

Simon

Pot Noodle on me?! Yeah, go on!

Noel

Cream soda this time.

Simon

And then some dragons are gonna fly in and put bubbles in my head? Is that how it works? You just say funny words and it works, does it? You just throw out weird words, hippopotamus and juggling. Is that what you do? Is that what happens? Anyone can do that! I've got fact based jokes!

Noel

Don't make me cut the stuffing out of your pillow!

Simon

With a pair of scissors made of glitter?

Noel

(matter-of-factly) No, with a motorbike made of jealousy!

Noel

I'm slighty in love with Paloma!

Phill

Noel, when you're giving the loving look to Paloma, can you make sure you give it to her? Because I just got a flash of it then. Got a flash of it myself and I started ovulating!

Noel

I'm thinking that for the first sort of gift on a date it'd have to be a rainbow. I'd have to give your section of a rainbow.

Paloma just went, [imitates her], like it could actually happen! Like that was a possible gift!

But that's the problem, see, is people don't believe in these things anymore and they should!

They don't believe in what?

Noel

We've all got rainbow saws. Where was yours? They're like hacksaws, but they're longer!

It's just so wonderful, if you would just join us...

I know, but this is the thing. You want to know what? The only problem here...he's doing this for comic effect. You're actually being serious!

Last year, I'm so 3008...

Noel

...come in and shut the garden gate!

Noel

Paloma, I love your outfit. It's one ot the best I've ever seen.

Thank you very much.

Noel

You look like a children's bullfighter!

Rhod

Gabby, you're not left out of these rock and roll antics, 'cos everybody thinks you're really boring... (audience laughter) but I read in my notes that you went to Steve Cram's New Year's Eve party!

(laughs) You're a tosser! (Rhod laughs) At midnight we all ran round the garden, and we timed it. It was just amazing.

Rhod

Is that where you met your husband?

No. Do you think all sports people get together on New Year's Eve at another famous sports person's house and then you marry...?

Noel

Pretty much.

Rhod

I read that you met him in a party, and I thought you can't have been to two! It's Kenny Logan, your husband of course, 'cos he thought he was chatting up Gaby Roslin! He did, it's true!

Not because he thought I looked like her, he just couldn't believe there were two people called Gabby who managed to get a job on telly, so he just assumed in the dark that I was Gaby Roslin.

Rhod

When did you break the news to him?

Within minutes.

Rhod

Of...? (audience laughter and applause)

Rhod

A bit of a clue to get the band - you need these to put on glasses.

I'm sorry, you're so Welsh I didn't understand a word of that! What, hands?

Rhod

No, close...

Ears...

Rhod

Close. Go on, what else do you need to put on glasses?

What do you mean? Ears or hands, there's nothing else you need.

Rhod

Yes there is!

Well let's go through the process... (Phill repeatedly takes off his glasses and puts them back on, emphasizing the elbows)

Elbow joints, elbow joints...

I can do, look, hands, arms...

Rhod

Right, you try it, try it only using your hands and your ears then.

Phill

This doesn't work! (Phill raises his arms with his glasses in his hands, not bending his elbows) Because...?

Depth of perception? Alright, so hands, and arms and muscular structure within the body? I hate this quiz! (Phill blows a handheld fan into Greg's face)

Rhod

Is that a normal size windmill? (Audience laughter and applause. Greg picks up the fan) Come on, what do you need to put your ruddy glasses on, you dick?

This better specifically be something you need to put your glasses on. I'm gonna come over there and twat you I swear to God!

Rhod

Okay, I'm handing it over...

I think it's Elbow.

Rhod

It is Elbow...

(incredulously) What!?

Noel

And you thought Gabby was retarded!

Phill

Title of the track?

Rhod

Just name an Elbow song.

Noel

We don't know an Elbow song!

Rhod

It was One Day Like This, and this is what it should've sounded like...

Noel, is there anything you banned from the Boosh tour? Jokes?

Noel

Catchphrases.

David, can we talk about your panda book, which contains 100 completely made-up facts about pandas. Were they all made up?

Well you be the judge. If a panda gets struck by lightning, its white hair turns black and its black hair turns white, and they're known as negative pandas, but if it gets struck by lightning a second time it reverts back to its original colours and is called a double-negative panda, or just a panda.

Noel

That's true!

Check this out, Aston fans! When he came on X Factor last year with J-to-the-L-to-the-S...

Phill

Was a panda!

Check this out, you've turned a little bling! Aston and Marvin, who's the tall good-looking one... (audience laughter)

What, me?

No, you and Marv. (some audience members go "Awww...") Well, you're the short good-looking one and Marvin's the tall good-looking one! And there's, you know, the other two guys, you know that... (audience, Dermot and Aston laugh) I'm so in trouble for that one! Okay... in August, Aston and Marvin racked up a £6000 bar bill, this is true...

Noo...

Yes it is, you must have been shit-faced!

No, well here's the thing right, you gotta think there's me and Marvin, and...

And lots and lots of girls...

Noel

And a panda. (audience laughter) I saw you getting driven home by a panda.