Is this something I'd have heard on the radio in the last ten years?
Possibly, Tom. What station do you listen to?
You listen to Radio 4. Possibly a little unlikely. (Phill and Emmy-Kate start the intro again)
Yeah, of course. It's "If The Kids Are United" by Sham 69.
It's not "If The Kids Are United". And he listens to Radio 4...
In a bit of a sticky wicket, aren't we?
"Gonna be a borstal breakout!... And now, the shipping."
. . .
"These Boots Are Made For Walking".
Does it go like that? Then no! We're looking for a song that has that as the introduction! Sean, you've seen the show before, I can excuse it in Tom.
(as a pirate) Well, Tom, you listen to the song and you get the tune. (winks)'
(as a pirate) You're watching "Never Mind Mutiny On The Bounty". I've been Mark Lamarr, (winks) goodnight. (normal voice) Alright, let's play it in, let's see what it actually was. (The song, "Holiday" by Madonna, starts playing as Phill and Emmy-Kate huddle for the next intro.)
. . .
It was on "The World At One" today, she's sending her daughter to Cheltenham Ladies' College.
Yeah, but this thing is where they do the intro and you have guess it.
. . .
(As Phill and Emmy-Kate start the next intro)
EKEmmy-Kate
This gives it away a bit, right. (They both imitate cameras clicking for a few seconds, then break into the next intro.)
"If The Kids Are United"...
(angrily) IT'S NOT SHAM 69! (Breaks into the theme from "The Archers")
Duran Duran, "Girls On Film".
It is Duran Duran, "Girls On Film". (wild applause)
(angrily) NO! It was "The Archers" theme!
Oi, oi! I didn't butt in when you were doing yours! (some audience members go "Ooooh!")
I've never seen you this aggressive! What's happened to you tonight?
I just love game shows, I can't tell you! I get so involved.
There's no prizes, Keith!
I know, but it's the pleasure of being on.
On the way in, he saw an Austin Montego in the car park and he went (as Keith) "That could be it! That could be it! I could be walking away with it at the end of the night!"
And then I found out it was yours! Anyway... (audience start oooh-ing again and applauding) Oh no, I didn't mean that! I didn't mean that! I apologise!
Welcome to Cheggers Has A Pop!
I don't think he's gonna get it, in a minute Sean's going to have to explain the... (makes the hissing noise Sean made) ...noise he's been making for quite some time.
I'm gonna pass it over. (to Phill) Do you know what it is?
It is "Cigarettes & Alcohol by Oh-ars-is.
It is "Cigarettes & Alcohol" by Oasis, let's hear that...
You were being a tambourine?
Every other week Sean does a movement or says a word or something. This week he went... (makes the hissing sound) ...thinking "they'll all know that's a tambourine!"
'Cos that's what Liam does before he starts singing every song.
(makes the hissing sound)
The Salvation Army wouldn't sell many copies of War Cry if they walk into a pub, they forgot their tambourines and went... (hisses) "War Cry, sir?" (hisses again)
So Sean's team, can you detect which is the real Edwin, and which are the Droods? Is it number one, Six Day War? Number two, Hundred Years' War? Number three, Evelyn War? Number four, what is it good for? Or number five, HUH, absolutely nothin'?
JJunior
Okay, before I go any further, I'm not gonna take the mick too much because I could be related to any one of these guys, so erm...
You mean because you're black as well?
JJunior
No, I'm sure my dad used to cut some of their hair.
Number three probably wasn't a regular, was he?
I'm a little worried about number three, he's just looking at a light, transfixed.
JJunior
(in an elderly man's voice) This is the first time I've come out in a long time! Is this a studio, yes? This is lovely!
Are you okay, number three? He just doesn't know! Well four of them are obviously English and Edwin's flown over from America, so who looks jetlagged? Three! (audience laughter) He had a near crash, he's traumatised!
JJunior
Nah, any Americans here? Because normally they go, any Americans would go "WHOOO!" Erm, I reckon it's number four.
Without any doubt, but I think we should let Faye choose.
FFaye
Well I like number four too because he's got that...
Not who you like! (audience laughter)
We try and make it a fun show, but we've gotta have rules!
FFaye
It's definitely number four, he's got that star quality...
You're actually in the lead, so you can just pick a favourite if you want.
Well, my favourite's number three, obviously! (number three - Athelston - still doesn't flinch! Audience laughter)
He doesn't seem so fond of you!
(to Mark) I know! (to the lineup) Three, I love you, you're coming home with me, we're living together...
Isn't number three a very passionate man? (Beat. Audience laughs even more)
I'm worried about the fella!
When they all walk off, and he's still there! (imitates Athelston's stare at the lights)
I know! He's the most professional, I bet they say to him "Now don't move, just stare straight ahead", and he goes "I gotcha!" (imitates Athelston's stare) He's the best! He should get time-and-a-half! The rest have been fidgeting, moving about, all sudden movements... HE'S A MANNEQUIN!
The question being, which one do you think might be Edwin Starr?
Let's find out. Will the real Edwin Starr please step forward? (the real Edwin Starr - number four - steps forward. Audience cheers and applause) And, er, just to set my mind at ease, would number three please step forward? (audience and Edwin laugh, Athelston almost cracks, Sean and Junior start beckoning him to step forward, and finally he does so, to the absolute joy of Mark, the panel, the line-up and the studio audience. Edwin embraces Athelston) It's like the parable of the bald man that could walk!
RRick
Actually Mark, the connection is Bilko. Sergeant Bilko, because he's saluting like the Americans did, like that Private Doberman did, and she looks like she's got a Doberman in her privates.
You've got a twelve-year-old son, haven't you?
They're gonna be so proud watching this tonight, aren't they?
RRick
They love the programme...
"Dad's done the fucking Doberman joke! School's gonna be a blast tomorrow, I'm already wearing the capes!"
I bet he's a goer though, he's very fit, isn't he, Jimmy. I bet he could go for hours! I bet if you have sex with Jimmy Savile, afterwards you get a Mars bar and a Bacofoil cloak! (huge laughter from the audience, Mark and the teams)
LLeeroy
I think there's some porn going on there, 'cos all that jewellery, that's gotta come to a fair bit. Both of them are caked in gold. There's gotta be a bit of porn involved, 'cos it's far too expensive to have all that on.
So you think the richest people in the world are those that star in porn films?
You couldn't have Jimmy Savile in a porn film, you'd never be able to concentrate! (as Savile) "Now, you're a lovely lady, and I'm a plum-ber, and I've come to fix yer... How's about me repairing your plum-bing?"
Now then, now then, now then, what's that then?
And then when he's actually having sex... (as Savile) Eh-uh-uh... (goes into Savile's yodel)
I'm guessing there might be other areas we could explore.
If it was Gloria Estefan, we could've done a "Clunk Click, Every Trip" joke. (audience groans) Oh, come on! Apparently her last two had sold so well her spine went platinum. Is it true that his hairdresser was so famous they wrote an opera about him? (turns to camera) And that's this week's viewer's question, so what would that opera be called? (Mark laughs) Jimmy Savile's hairdresser, they wrote an opera about him. Call, and the prize is my dressing room key here at the BBC, ladies and gentlemen. (picks up and shows his key) Any offers?
MAMale audience member
The Barber of Savile!
The Barber of Savile! Well done!
(laughing and pointing at the audience member) He was pleased with himself!
You've got a twelve-year-old kid! The only reason to do that is if you're playing football and someone's taking a free kick!
. . .
Is Danny Kaye about to come in and go "Me, a swan?" (Mark laughs and claps. Some audience members also clap.)
No, don't clap just 'cos I did! Make your own minds up! That's what I'm trying to say, be individual!
Yeah, but you're a leader of men!
...Of one bloke, there. (points to an audience member)
Well Hitler probably started with one bloke. Hitler was probably in a pub and said "we should invade Poland" and one bloke went... (Claps) ...And ten years later...
So, I've got a cult and it's just me and him? (Frank nods to the audience member) I'm gonna... I'm gonna top meself in a minute!
See? That Hitler thing's started already! He killed the Alsatian first, I think is the normal the way round...
What? I'm slagging off Eva Braun, and you're going "That's unfair! Don't slag off Eva, she was a lovely woman, apart from shagging, like, maybe the most evil man the world's ever seen, apart from that she was alright..."
She shagged Chris Evans!?
Smokey Robinson started a trend amongst pop stars when he named his daughter Tamla after his record company. Courtney Love's father calls her Rough Trade, while George Michael's dad now calls him Strange Fruit.
...
Attractions bass player Bruce Thomas cut himself while demonstrating the safest way to smash a bottle in a fight. Kurt Cobain suffered a similar mishap while demonstrating the safest way to blow your head off with a gun.
...
Was Kurt Cobain's dad on Stiff Records? (long period of laughter from the audience and Mark. A female audience member laughs hysterically.) That's a seagull trapped in the skylight!
Turn the extractor fan off, let it out will you? (the audience member laughs even harder.) She's having a lovely time.
I don't know, she might be having a bloody heart attack and we're ignoring it, or an asthma attack...
I guess she's having a stroke every now and again.
Missy Elliott is famous for her expensive jewellery, her love of flashy cars and for owning more than 4,000 pairs of trainers. Which sounds impressive until you hear David owns 200-weight of diced onions and a loft full of gherkins!
They've been good to me, those sausages, you know!
You keep that for your autobiography, sunbeam! And, I'll be the judge of that, cheeky-chops!
I might not be here without those.
Yeah, he's got his van parked outside.
So what do you want us to do? Thank sausages you're here?
Give them all vouchers (gestures to the audience) when they're leaving, buy a sausage!
Vouchers so they can buy a sausage? People can buy sausages anyway.
They don't need a voucher, it's not Poland!
You've got special sausages?
Yeah. The proof is in the pudding.
You sell pudding as well?
Can we have a look at the newspaper headline?
(cut to still from the video showing the front page of the Daily Mail - the headline reads "MILLIONAIRESS LOST IN JUNGLE - $100,000 REWARD")
Well it's the Daily Mail so no doubt at the bottom it'll say like "millions of Ethiopians are dying, they'll probably move next door to you tomorrow!"
Well it would be good if they moved next door to him (points to David) he could feed them, can't he?
They don't all like sausages though, they're used to rice and stuff. (to David) Do you do rice?
No, no, it's alright. This was the same time that Guys n' Dolls were about, yeah?
No it was a bit later, actually... (an ice-cream van's chimes play "Oh Dear! What Can the Matter Be?")
I've gotta go! (gets up) Gotta make some money! (sits back down again) You're gonna let me go as well, aren't you?
I wasn't gonna cry for you to come back! You must feel very at home with the team captains - a 99 and a Flake!
I'm a little bit peckish, I don't know why! (the chimes play again) Mummy, the onion ring man is here!
Did you put "Van" in your name after you got the van, or is that just a coincidence?
I don't think it's a music video at all...
It's Ally McCoist and he comes out and shags Midge and goes, "You're Scottish, you'll do!"
Midge & McCoist. Urgh, what a bad porn film that would make! You'd never buy a porn film with "Midge" in the title, would you?
Not again anyway, that's for sure!
Although I would buy one called "The Magic Sausage", which is one of my favourite operas.
I really don't think it's a music video, I think it's a soap powder commercial, a really long-winded one. "Do you want to know how to get rid of dirt? Grime? Grass stains? Snake venom? Midge Ure? Use new Daz!" That might be it.
Also to be in the jungle and do the Challenge, that would be pretty cruel, wouldn't it? "Is this better than your normal soap powder?" "We haven't got a normal soap powder, we haven't got anything to eat! Although hold on, what's that noise?" (the chimes ring again and Ricky puts his hand up)
