Jack quotes from Never Mind the Buzzcocks

Simon

Now that song that you've got, 'Boyfriend', it was inspired by a film about two lesbians?

That's true,yeah.

Simon

I assume that the film was about them feeling ashamed of what they've done and that they'll never do it again?

[giggles] Obviously,yes,yes.

Simon

Good,good. And you're not a lesbian yourself, are you?

Umm no. Did you think so?

Simon

Phew. Well I was concerned.

Concerned?

Simon

We can't have lesbians on the show.

Really? [laughs]

Simon

Oh good. You're not a uh.. [to audience] Are there any lesbians in the audience?

Yes!

Simon

Oh then you better leave! [points to the exit] Not tonight. We need a lesbian-free show. I don't even want a small one.. [laughs/snorts] Ah Jack Dee?

I'm not a lesbian,no.

Simon

Tell us about that, what was in it, what did you find out, what did you discover?

I think the most shocking revelation was that most teenagers have absolutely no idea basically about STIs.

When I was a teenager, I had no idea about STIs. ..My god, I do now.

I honestly have no clue how to do that one.

It's great having you on the team.

Kylie's looking quite hot for me. What do you think, Jack?

Yeah definitely.

Simon

NOO! Not lesbianism!

Doesn't have to be lesbianism.

[rolls his eyes]

Simon

People just didn't like the idea of you having sex there. Now why's that?

Um..-

Simon

Are you a grumpy lover?

Yeah must be. OK then. Well, [grumpily] 'I hope you liked it'.

[trying to solve the line-up question then looks at Anna]

Don't blame it on me if it's wrong.

Simon

Don't pick up anything from Anna.