Sean quotes from Never Mind the Buzzcocks

Sean

Come back! You must be shit in that van! "What do you want love?" (spins around) "Oh there you are! What was it?"

Sean

Okay I'm ready. I'm having a bit of a breakdown! In two years time I'm gonna be working with him in Brighton - "Burger?" (Sean stares into space, hands the burger over and whistles)

Sean

Um, I wish "Sussudio" was Phil Collins' dying words.

I think it's of some reference to masturbation. Seriously, there's a bit...

What, cause he did that (imitates Phil Collins playing air slap bass) in the middle? What a show off.

Goes like that in the middle and then goes to the microphone, doesn't he?

Sean

You do that when you're wanking?

Sometimes.

Sean

(imitating Keith) Pass the microphone. What are you on about?

Keith, I think all of us, apart from maybe Tom grew up as kids watching you on television, don't want to know about you masturbating. There are only so many mental pictures I can file away, and that ain't gonna be one of them.

No wonder you were so perky on "Saturday Superstore"!

You couldn't get me off.

Phill

"Cheggers GOES Pop"! Let's leave and come back! We turned up in the studio, there was some load of old wank about pirates, and then Cheggers started talking about walloping, it was a nightmare! What a nightmare night out!

Sean

You call it "walloping"?

Phill

I call it "walloping", yeah!

Have you never heard of "bashing the bishop"?

Sean

Yes...

Walloping.

Sean

Not in front of Neil, his dad is a bishop!

I bashed him furiously!

Is this something I'd have heard on the radio in the last ten years?

Phill

Possibly, Tom. What station do you listen to?

Radio 4.

Phill

You listen to Radio 4. Possibly a little unlikely. (Phill and Emmy-Kate start the intro again)

Yeah, of course. It's "If The Kids Are United" by Sham 69.

Phill

It's not "If The Kids Are United". And he listens to Radio 4...

When did they play that?

Phill

In a bit of a sticky wicket, aren't we?

"Gonna be a borstal breakout!... And now, the shipping."

"These Boots Are Made For Walking".

Phill

No.

Does it go like that? Then no! We're looking for a song that has that as the introduction! Sean, you've seen the show before, I can excuse it in Tom.

Sean

(as a pirate) Well, Tom, you listen to the song and you get the tune. (winks)'

(as a pirate) You're watching "Never Mind Mutiny On The Bounty". I've been Mark Lamarr, (winks) goodnight. (normal voice) Alright, let's play it in, let's see what it actually was. (The song, "Holiday" by Madonna, starts playing as Phill and Emmy-Kate huddle for the next intro.)

It was on "The World At One" today, she's sending her daughter to Cheltenham Ladies' College.

Yeah, but this thing is where they do the intro and you have guess it.

This gives it away a bit, right. (They both imitate cameras clicking for a few seconds, then break into the next intro.)

"If The Kids Are United"...

Phill

(angrily) IT'S NOT SHAM 69! (Breaks into the theme from "The Archers")

Duran Duran, "Girls On Film".

It is Duran Duran, "Girls On Film". (wild applause)

Phill

(angrily) NO! It was "The Archers" theme!

Phill

Is it my mum's radio?

Oi, oi! I didn't butt in when you were doing yours! (some audience members go "Ooooh!")

Phill

Cheggers Plays Tough!

I've never seen you this aggressive! What's happened to you tonight?

I just love game shows, I can't tell you! I get so involved.

Phill

There's no prizes, Keith!

I know, but it's the pleasure of being on.

Phill

On the way in, he saw an Austin Montego in the car park and he went (as Keith) "That could be it! That could be it! I could be walking away with it at the end of the night!"

And then I found out it was yours! Anyway... (audience start oooh-ing again and applauding) Oh no, I didn't mean that! I didn't mean that! I apologise!

Sean

Welcome to Cheggers Has A Pop!

I don't think he's gonna get it, in a minute Sean's going to have to explain the... (makes the hissing noise Sean made) ...noise he's been making for quite some time.

Sean

Sure, no problem.

I'm gonna pass it over. (to Phill) Do you know what it is?

Phill

It is "Cigarettes & Alcohol by Oh-ars-is.

It is "Cigarettes & Alcohol" by Oasis, let's hear that...

You were being a tambourine?

Sean

Yeah!

Phill

A tambourine!?

Every other week Sean does a movement or says a word or something. This week he went... (makes the hissing sound) ...thinking "they'll all know that's a tambourine!"

Sean

'Cos that's what Liam does before he starts singing every song.

What?

Sean

(makes the hissing sound)

Phill

The Salvation Army wouldn't sell many copies of War Cry if they walk into a pub, they forgot their tambourines and went... (hisses) "War Cry, sir?" (hisses again)

So Sean's team, can you detect which is the real Edwin, and which are the Droods? Is it number one, Six Day War? Number two, Hundred Years' War? Number three, Evelyn War? Number four, what is it good for? Or number five, HUH, absolutely nothin'?

Okay, before I go any further, I'm not gonna take the mick too much because I could be related to any one of these guys, so erm...

You mean because you're black as well?

No, I'm sure my dad used to cut some of their hair.

Number three probably wasn't a regular, was he?

Sean

I'm a little worried about number three, he's just looking at a light, transfixed.

(in an elderly man's voice) This is the first time I've come out in a long time! Is this a studio, yes? This is lovely!

Sean

Are you okay, number three? He just doesn't know! Well four of them are obviously English and Edwin's flown over from America, so who looks jetlagged? Three! (audience laughter) He had a near crash, he's traumatised!

Nah, any Americans here? Because normally they go, any Americans would go "WHOOO!" Erm, I reckon it's number four.

Sean

Without any doubt, but I think we should let Faye choose.

Well I like number four too because he's got that...

Sean

Not who you like! (audience laughter)

We try and make it a fun show, but we've gotta have rules!

It's definitely number four, he's got that star quality...

You're actually in the lead, so you can just pick a favourite if you want.

Sean

Well, my favourite's number three, obviously! (number three - Athelston - still doesn't flinch! Audience laughter)

He doesn't seem so fond of you!

Sean

(to Mark) I know! (to the lineup) Three, I love you, you're coming home with me, we're living together...

Isn't number three a very passionate man? (Beat. Audience laughs even more)

Sean

I'm worried about the fella!

When they all walk off, and he's still there! (imitates Athelston's stare at the lights)

Sean

I know! He's the most professional, I bet they say to him "Now don't move, just stare straight ahead", and he goes "I gotcha!" (imitates Athelston's stare) He's the best! He should get time-and-a-half! The rest have been fidgeting, moving about, all sudden movements... HE'S A MANNEQUIN!

The question being, which one do you think might be Edwin Starr?

Number...

Four.

Let's find out. Will the real Edwin Starr please step forward? (the real Edwin Starr - number four - steps forward. Audience cheers and applause) And, er, just to set my mind at ease, would number three please step forward? (audience and Edwin laugh, Athelston almost cracks, Sean and Junior start beckoning him to step forward, and finally he does so, to the absolute joy of Mark, the panel, the line-up and the studio audience. Edwin embraces Athelston) It's like the parable of the bald man that could walk!

Actually Mark, the connection is Bilko. Sergeant Bilko, because he's saluting like the Americans did, like that Private Doberman did, and she looks like she's got a Doberman in her privates.

Sean

You've got a twelve-year-old son, haven't you?

Yeah.

Sean

They're gonna be so proud watching this tonight, aren't they?

They love the programme...

Sean

"Dad's done the fucking Doberman joke! School's gonna be a blast tomorrow, I'm already wearing the capes!"

Sean

You've got a twelve-year-old kid! The only reason to do that is if you're playing football and someone's taking a free kick!

Is Danny Kaye about to come in and go "Me, a swan?" (Mark laughs and claps. Some audience members also clap.)

No, don't clap just 'cos I did! Make your own minds up! That's what I'm trying to say, be individual!

Yeah, but you're a leader of men!

...Of one bloke, there. (points to an audience member)

Well Hitler probably started with one bloke. Hitler was probably in a pub and said "we should invade Poland" and one bloke went... (Claps) ...And ten years later...

So, I've got a cult and it's just me and him? (Frank nods to the audience member) I'm gonna... I'm gonna top meself in a minute!

See? That Hitler thing's started already! He killed the Alsatian first, I think is the normal the way round...

What, Eva?

Ohhh!

What? I'm slagging off Eva Braun, and you're going "That's unfair! Don't slag off Eva, she was a lovely woman, apart from shagging, like, maybe the most evil man the world's ever seen, apart from that she was alright..."

Sean

She shagged Chris Evans!?

Missy Elliott is famous for her expensive jewellery, her love of flashy cars and for owning more than 4,000 pairs of trainers. Which sounds impressive until you hear David owns 200-weight of diced onions and a loft full of gherkins!

They've been good to me, those sausages, you know!

You keep that for your autobiography, sunbeam! And, I'll be the judge of that, cheeky-chops!

I might not be here without those.

Sean

Yeah, he's got his van parked outside.

So what do you want us to do? Thank sausages you're here?

Give them all vouchers (gestures to the audience) when they're leaving, buy a sausage!

Vouchers so they can buy a sausage? People can buy sausages anyway.

Not outside here!

They don't need a voucher, it's not Poland!

Mine are special.

You've got special sausages?

Yeah. The proof is in the pudding.

You sell pudding as well?

Sean

Can we have a look at the newspaper headline?

Sean

Well it's the Daily Mail so no doubt at the bottom it'll say like "millions of Ethiopians are dying, they'll probably move next door to you tomorrow!"

Well it would be good if they moved next door to him (points to David) he could feed them, can't he?

Sean

They don't all like sausages though, they're used to rice and stuff. (to David) Do you do rice?

W...

Sean

No, no, it's alright. This was the same time that Guys n' Dolls were about, yeah?

No it was a bit later, actually... (an ice-cream van's chimes play "Oh Dear! What Can the Matter Be?")

Ooh, your van's here!

I've gotta go! (gets up) Gotta make some money! (sits back down again) You're gonna let me go as well, aren't you?

I wasn't gonna cry for you to come back! You must feel very at home with the team captains - a 99 and a Flake!

Sean

I'm a little bit peckish, I don't know why! (the chimes play again) Mummy, the onion ring man is here!

Ricky

Oooh sausages! Sausages!

Special magic sausages!

Sean

Did you put "Van" in your name after you got the van, or is that just a coincidence?

I don't think it's a music video at all...

Sean

It's Ally McCoist and he comes out and shags Midge and goes, "You're Scottish, you'll do!"

Midge & McCoist. Urgh, what a bad porn film that would make! You'd never buy a porn film with "Midge" in the title, would you?

Sean

Not again anyway, that's for sure!

Although I would buy one called "The Magic Sausage", which is one of my favourite operas.

I really don't think it's a music video, I think it's a soap powder commercial, a really long-winded one. "Do you want to know how to get rid of dirt? Grime? Grass stains? Snake venom? Midge Ure? Use new Daz!" That might be it.

Also to be in the jungle and do the Challenge, that would be pretty cruel, wouldn't it? "Is this better than your normal soap powder?" "We haven't got a normal soap powder, we haven't got anything to eat! Although hold on, what's that noise?" (the chimes ring again and Ricky puts his hand up)

Can you do it in my ear?

Sean

Do what in your ear? (shouts in David's ear) Burger, large chips...

It's the only language he understands!

Sean

Mushy peas and a bit of curry!

(laughing) Can we have some reverb?

Can we have some off?

(starts whistling into his microphone with a bit of reverb)

Sean

Are you calling for a dog?

It's the eerie burger man! That would be a great advert to keep kids off fried food - him!

Is it recent or is it quite old?

Sean

No it's old.

It's oooollld.

Have you ever had electric shock treatment?

I burnt myself on a cooker once!

(Provides a decent backing for Sean)

Sean

A-bum-tish, a-bum-tish, a-bum-tish, shish kebab! Shish kebab! Shish kebab! You're obsessed man!

Okay, Sean's team you need six to win, your time starts now. "I believe in miracles..."

Sean

Hence David's on the show!

"Where you from, you sexy thing", Hot Chocolate. "You don't have to say you love me, just be close at hand...

Sean

Salt and vinegar?

"You don't have to stay forever, I will understand." Number five for Guys n' Dolls in 1975.

Yep. "And the only way to get rid of this great big onion..."

Sean

Sorry, we're closed half-day Tuesday.

It's unbelievably The Onion Song by Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell. The next line - "is to plant love seeds until it dies." "Mirror mirror mon amour..."

"Mirror mirror mon amour, send me what I'm waiting for..."

That's right, yeah. Dollar. "I was so upset that I cried all the way to the chip shop..."

Is it Elvis Presley... boy lives down the... chip shop... and he thinks he's Elvis Presley...

Sean

Have you just had a stroke? 'Cos that's "There's a Guy Works Down the Chip Shop Swears He's Elvis" (Time up!)

It was actually "and when I came out, there was Gordon standing at the bus stop" from Jilted John by Jilted John. Do you know what? It comes as a great shock to me that you haven't won!

Phill

There's a bit at the end that kind of disturbed me a little - yeah. Licking his finger going up to her armpit, does he have, like, got deodorant saliva? And he's offering her...

She shaved everything but one hair and it's driving him mad. "You got one..." *poink* you know... that's the noise it sounds when you pull one hair out... "poink."

Sean

"Poink"?

"Poink"'s probably right yeah... onomatopoeically.

Onomatopoeically, hello?

Phill

Was he just turned on by a big word then? Never do Countdown, never ever... (as Fairbrass) Oooh, oh conundrum, hello!

I do not speak like that!

Phill

You just did!

(laughing) I do not! I do not!

Phill

Let's have a look then at the Billy Bragg thing. (a still from Sexuality by Billy Bragg is shown - Billy is seen holding a sign saying "Uality" next to a road sign saying "Essex") He's at the side of the A13 if we can have a look at that...

You think he actually got to "Uality" in the end?

Sean

Richard's just gone "what's 'ualty'?" We're gonna win tonight(!)

I thought maybe it was a town!

Sean

That you got banned from!