Ricky Wilson quotes from Never Mind the Buzzcocks

Ricky Wilson

And tonight I am contractually obliged to say "I predict a laugh riot!"…I feel so dirty!

Ricky Wilson

Sorry Stevie [Wonder], if you're watching... (Ricky grimaces as he realises what he's just said)

Sean

Can we have a look at the newspaper headline?

Sean

Well it's the Daily Mail so no doubt at the bottom it'll say like "millions of Ethiopians are dying, they'll probably move next door to you tomorrow!"

Well it would be good if they moved next door to him (points to David) he could feed them, can't he?

Sean

They don't all like sausages though, they're used to rice and stuff. (to David) Do you do rice?

W...

Sean

No, no, it's alright. This was the same time that Guys n' Dolls were about, yeah?

No it was a bit later, actually... (an ice-cream van's chimes play "Oh Dear! What Can the Matter Be?")

Ooh, your van's here!

I've gotta go! (gets up) Gotta make some money! (sits back down again) You're gonna let me go as well, aren't you?

I wasn't gonna cry for you to come back! You must feel very at home with the team captains - a 99 and a Flake!

Sean

I'm a little bit peckish, I don't know why! (the chimes play again) Mummy, the onion ring man is here!

Ricky

Oooh sausages! Sausages!

Special magic sausages!

Sean

Did you put "Van" in your name after you got the van, or is that just a coincidence?

I don't think it's a music video at all...

Sean

It's Ally McCoist and he comes out and shags Midge and goes, "You're Scottish, you'll do!"

Midge & McCoist. Urgh, what a bad porn film that would make! You'd never buy a porn film with "Midge" in the title, would you?

Sean

Not again anyway, that's for sure!

Although I would buy one called "The Magic Sausage", which is one of my favourite operas.

I really don't think it's a music video, I think it's a soap powder commercial, a really long-winded one. "Do you want to know how to get rid of dirt? Grime? Grass stains? Snake venom? Midge Ure? Use new Daz!" That might be it.

Also to be in the jungle and do the Challenge, that would be pretty cruel, wouldn't it? "Is this better than your normal soap powder?" "We haven't got a normal soap powder, we haven't got anything to eat! Although hold on, what's that noise?" (the chimes ring again and Ricky puts his hand up)

Bill Bailey

[to Ricky] Last time I saw you was at Heathrow Airport, wasn't it? And you were shitfaced. You came up to me and said "[slurring]" I'm Ricky Wilson from the Kaiser Chiefs!

Ricky Wilson

[drunkenly] I love you!

Bill Bailey

[drunkenly] Love you, Bill!

Ricky Wilson

I thought you were Hulk Hogan.