Phill quotes from Never Mind the Buzzcocks

Phill

[Talking sternly to the audience] Who...gave him...Ribena?!

Phill

Why's it like sunglasses, skiing, sunglasses, sunglasses, the MOON!

Phill

I haven't felt this angry about a wall since Berlin!

Okay, Whis... (collapses in hysterical laughter after accidentally almost reading out a song on the card!)

When we said no words, we specifically mean the ones in the title, Clare!

Did you hear that?

No I didn't, it sounded like "wus".

I want the full intro on this one.

Go for the vocal line, kids!

Phill

You ready?

No I haven't a clue! Could you whisper some...?

Phill

I tell you what Clare, take a seat, sweetheart! (Clare sits down)

I've had a complete mind block with that one!

Phill

It's alright Clare, it doesn't matter!

Because I've been so helpful so far...

Phill

You were a pop star in the 80s, they weren't important! Doesn't matter! Forget it!

Excuse me, can I just say I was not a pop star, I was in fact the Pixie of Pop!

Phill

Oh I'm sorry, yeah, and I'm the Jabba the Hutt of jokes!

That was Vortex with "Open the Gate", although it did look scarily like Boy George pre-Culture Club, didn't it? What do you think the scary bloke was singing there?

Phill

There's nothing quite like a fat goth, is there, Mark?

By the way, the make-up artist never worked again after that.

Phill

She never worked before! (audience laugther) The dubbing was top, wasn't it?

Very good, it was like one of those Chinese films: (moves his lips differently to the words he says) "I'm gonna kick your head in!"

You could tell he was miming 'cos the bone wasn't plugged in! (in the video, vocalist Jurjen 'Thundervox' Tichelaar sings into a bone)

Phill

It's not the first badly dubbed Dutch video I've seen with a bone in someone's hand, Mark! (Mark and audience laughter and applause. Phill turns to Tony) You liked it, didn't you?

I did, yeah...

Phill

You just whispered into my ear "I've got this album", didn't you? "These are great!" (to Gary) You think there's a food connection, don't you?

Yeah, I got "Against the wall of a savoury low-fat cake."

I got "Bright arse is a plan of beautiful bits...

It's much nicer than "Bright arse, burning like fire", isn't it?

Phill

We've got a line about, "We've got some tights, a bag, a beautiful pair; sometimes a donkey you will see." All together boys...

"We've reached the land of Hull..." (audience laughter)

Phill

"...Bring mangoes off the boat; And then talk Vortex student braille." You see, behind all the make-up and everything they've got a social conscience.

I've gone a bit further on - "You know the smell of chili from that night..."

The last line is "A lemon slice and a savoury whale", quite popular in Dutchland.

Phill

They're hungry, they're socially conscious, they're angry, they're Dutch, they look like pandas.

Would you like to sing that along with the band?

Phill

Would we ever? (The music video starts up)

(singing)

I'm sorry to bring you this news, but that wasn't the real words! The real words were:

I'm gonna give you a point from charity's sake. The band Vortex were formed after the breakup of Werewolf and Thunderfox. We don't know a lot about Werewolf and Thunderfox, although with names like that, they probably have shagged Ulrika Jonsson.

Phill

Everyone's so helpful - and nice - on this show!

(shakes his fist) Moyles!

Phill

(as Blaikie from On The Buses) I 'ate yew, Moyles!

Let's do the Scooby-Doo ending. And it would've worked too if it weren't for that pesky fat cunt Moyles!

Sean

Um, I wish "Sussudio" was Phil Collins' dying words.

I think it's of some reference to masturbation. Seriously, there's a bit...

What, cause he did that (imitates Phil Collins playing air slap bass) in the middle? What a show off.

Goes like that in the middle and then goes to the microphone, doesn't he?

Sean

You do that when you're wanking?

Sometimes.

Sean

(imitating Keith) Pass the microphone. What are you on about?

Keith, I think all of us, apart from maybe Tom grew up as kids watching you on television, don't want to know about you masturbating. There are only so many mental pictures I can file away, and that ain't gonna be one of them.

No wonder you were so perky on "Saturday Superstore"!

You couldn't get me off.

Phill

"Cheggers GOES Pop"! Let's leave and come back! We turned up in the studio, there was some load of old wank about pirates, and then Cheggers started talking about walloping, it was a nightmare! What a nightmare night out!

Sean

You call it "walloping"?

Phill

I call it "walloping", yeah!

Have you never heard of "bashing the bishop"?

Sean

Yes...

Walloping.

Sean

Not in front of Neil, his dad is a bishop!

I bashed him furiously!

Is this something I'd have heard on the radio in the last ten years?

Phill

Possibly, Tom. What station do you listen to?

Radio 4.

Phill

You listen to Radio 4. Possibly a little unlikely. (Phill and Emmy-Kate start the intro again)

Yeah, of course. It's "If The Kids Are United" by Sham 69.

Phill

It's not "If The Kids Are United". And he listens to Radio 4...

When did they play that?

Phill

In a bit of a sticky wicket, aren't we?

"Gonna be a borstal breakout!... And now, the shipping."

"These Boots Are Made For Walking".

Phill

No.

Does it go like that? Then no! We're looking for a song that has that as the introduction! Sean, you've seen the show before, I can excuse it in Tom.

Sean

(as a pirate) Well, Tom, you listen to the song and you get the tune. (winks)'

(as a pirate) You're watching "Never Mind Mutiny On The Bounty". I've been Mark Lamarr, (winks) goodnight. (normal voice) Alright, let's play it in, let's see what it actually was. (The song, "Holiday" by Madonna, starts playing as Phill and Emmy-Kate huddle for the next intro.)

It was on "The World At One" today, she's sending her daughter to Cheltenham Ladies' College.

Yeah, but this thing is where they do the intro and you have guess it.

This gives it away a bit, right. (They both imitate cameras clicking for a few seconds, then break into the next intro.)

"If The Kids Are United"...

Phill

(angrily) IT'S NOT SHAM 69! (Breaks into the theme from "The Archers")

Duran Duran, "Girls On Film".

It is Duran Duran, "Girls On Film". (wild applause)

Phill

(angrily) NO! It was "The Archers" theme!

Phill

Is it my mum's radio?

Oi, oi! I didn't butt in when you were doing yours! (some audience members go "Ooooh!")

Phill

Cheggers Plays Tough!

I've never seen you this aggressive! What's happened to you tonight?

I just love game shows, I can't tell you! I get so involved.

Phill

There's no prizes, Keith!

I know, but it's the pleasure of being on.

Phill

On the way in, he saw an Austin Montego in the car park and he went (as Keith) "That could be it! That could be it! I could be walking away with it at the end of the night!"

And then I found out it was yours! Anyway... (audience start oooh-ing again and applauding) Oh no, I didn't mean that! I didn't mean that! I apologise!

Sean

Welcome to Cheggers Has A Pop!

I don't think he's gonna get it, in a minute Sean's going to have to explain the... (makes the hissing noise Sean made) ...noise he's been making for quite some time.

Sean

Sure, no problem.

I'm gonna pass it over. (to Phill) Do you know what it is?

Phill

It is "Cigarettes & Alcohol by Oh-ars-is.

It is "Cigarettes & Alcohol" by Oasis, let's hear that...

You were being a tambourine?

Sean

Yeah!

Phill

A tambourine!?

Every other week Sean does a movement or says a word or something. This week he went... (makes the hissing sound) ...thinking "they'll all know that's a tambourine!"

Sean

'Cos that's what Liam does before he starts singing every song.

What?

Sean

(makes the hissing sound)

Phill

The Salvation Army wouldn't sell many copies of War Cry if they walk into a pub, they forgot their tambourines and went... (hisses) "War Cry, sir?" (hisses again)

I bet he's a goer though, he's very fit, isn't he, Jimmy. I bet he could go for hours! I bet if you have sex with Jimmy Savile, afterwards you get a Mars bar and a Bacofoil cloak! (huge laughter from the audience, Mark and the teams)

I think there's some porn going on there, 'cos all that jewellery, that's gotta come to a fair bit. Both of them are caked in gold. There's gotta be a bit of porn involved, 'cos it's far too expensive to have all that on.

So you think the richest people in the world are those that star in porn films?

Phill

You couldn't have Jimmy Savile in a porn film, you'd never be able to concentrate! (as Savile) "Now, you're a lovely lady, and I'm a plum-ber, and I've come to fix yer... How's about me repairing your plum-bing?"

Now then, now then, now then, what's that then?

Phill

And then when he's actually having sex... (as Savile) Eh-uh-uh... (goes into Savile's yodel)

The orgasm!

I'm guessing there might be other areas we could explore.

If it was Gloria Estefan, we could've done a "Clunk Click, Every Trip" joke. (audience groans) Oh, come on! Apparently her last two had sold so well her spine went platinum. Is it true that his hairdresser was so famous they wrote an opera about him? (turns to camera) And that's this week's viewer's question, so what would that opera be called? (Mark laughs) Jimmy Savile's hairdresser, they wrote an opera about him. Call, and the prize is my dressing room key here at the BBC, ladies and gentlemen. (picks up and shows his key) Any offers?

No entrance.

The Barber of Savile!

The Barber of Savile! Well done!

(laughing and pointing at the audience member) He was pleased with himself!

Phill

There's a bit at the end that kind of disturbed me a little - yeah. Licking his finger going up to her armpit, does he have, like, got deodorant saliva? And he's offering her...

She shaved everything but one hair and it's driving him mad. "You got one..." *poink* you know... that's the noise it sounds when you pull one hair out... "poink."

Sean

"Poink"?

"Poink"'s probably right yeah... onomatopoeically.

Onomatopoeically, hello?

Phill

Was he just turned on by a big word then? Never do Countdown, never ever... (as Fairbrass) Oooh, oh conundrum, hello!

I do not speak like that!

Phill

You just did!

(laughing) I do not! I do not!

Phill

Let's have a look then at the Billy Bragg thing. (a still from Sexuality by Billy Bragg is shown - Billy is seen holding a sign saying "Uality" next to a road sign saying "Essex") He's at the side of the A13 if we can have a look at that...

You think he actually got to "Uality" in the end?

Sean

Richard's just gone "what's 'ualty'?" We're gonna win tonight(!)

I thought maybe it was a town!

Sean

That you got banned from!

Sean

(referring to Durst) He's just really eager hitching isn't he? "My way or highway!"

Well it's very very hard to get to Uality these days.

I think he looks a bit like David Beckham in a funny fairground mirror at the end. David Beckham went up to one of those mirrors that's what he would look like.

Sean

And that's the connection?

Quite importantly can I just say looking at Victoria Beckham...

Is it gonna be funny what you're gonna say?

I'd imagine so, or I wouldn't be saying it...

Press on then.

Sean

(as Fairbrass) Oooh, press on, Mark! Press on!

Looking at the Victoria Beckham thing, it's very important this time of year, a timely reminder to kids, never ever return to the lit firework once it's been...

Sean

Let's press on...

It must be something to do with the fact that actually, she only eats a biscuit for lunch or something like that... (we see a flash of bright lights and hear a clap of thunder)

(in a deeply electronically processed voice) The voice of rock!

I see I'm the fall guy in this equation, but okay. (Phill laughs) (to Fairbrass) Do you think he's stereotyping us at all? Richard, shall we swap roles? Maybe I'll do the camp bits and...

Oh yeah, you're gonna be editor of Kerrang! for a long time if you're doing the camp bits!

What are you saying?

At least it might mean that some of your readers can have sex! (thunder and lightning) It's worked for you, Fairbrass!

It is true to say I that have been a player of the pink oboe. And I can raise a real tune on it occasionally...

Really?

...but not for some time.

Phill

(laughs) It's the idea of him in bed with someone and, just the duvet, and underneath the duvet... (hums PEnnsylvania 6-5000)

If you know the holes to put your finger on you can play a tune! (to Mark) You're always like this when I'm on the show!

I know...

We should just go out, kiss and get it over with.

Let's kiss now. Let's do the gay Buzzcocks kiss. (a female audience member shouts "Ugh!". Fairbrass laughs and points at the audience member, while Mark and the audience laugh.) I think they meant "Ooh, he's gonna to kiss Mark!"

I like flushing your mouth.

That's the last thing you'll get, a kiss maybe. You're not flushing me out I'll tell you that! You can see why it's been six series before we've had him back!

I've moved house, you lost my address or something.

This is the same Wet Wet Wet as "Love Is All Around" Wet Wet Wet?

Phill

Yeah. Seventeen weeks at number one, a third of the year.

Well, fucking hell! (Audience laughter)

Phill

Ah, the wisdom of youth(!)

Simon

(to Kenzie) How young are you?

I've just turned twenty.

Simon

Okay. Kenzie is sweet, isn't he? Isn't Kenzie sweet? (Some audience members say "yes") Why don't you tell the nice BBC viewers what your song "Flip Reverse It" was all about?

Um...women...

Women?! It was about anal in a truck! (Audience laughter) Offended by seventeen weeks! But the idea of bumming a lady in a Mazda? Fine.

I've got a girl friend at the moment, whats she going to think about this?

Phill

I dunno...can she sit?

Simon

We also heard 'Straight Up' by Paula Abdul. During the last series of American Idol, there were...there were...

"Scurrilous".

Simon

"Scurrilous", thank you very much.

Just trying to help.

Simon

Ooh, I can read!

Phill

One of 'em had to.