James quotes from Never Mind the Buzzcocks

Hello, and welcome to a brand new series of Never Mind the Buzzcocks. I'm James Corden, I'm your host this week, and we welcome back our new permanent team captain, Mr. Noel Fielding! [applause] Now I know what you're all thinking. This is the show where you come on and you get mocked by a cruel host. Well, look; not anymore. Okay? Not on my watch. I mean, you can be short, or fat, or old, or weird, or American, or...[looks at Paloma]...uh, don't know what that is!

Those are our teams. Let's clap and make a pop quiz!

Simon

Y'know with the environment and everything.. maybe it seems like a waste of paper and people should just use the internet. Seems like the only person who's benefitting out the Yellow Pages is you, James Nesbitt. And possibly Geoff Capes at his dinner parties. [acts as if he's ripping the Yellow Pages]

Simon

Anyway, we're not just gonna go on about the Yellow Pages. I apologize.

They're still very very good to me.

Simon

I still use one, I've got one.

You still use the Yellow Pages?

Yeah I sit on it 'cos I'm abit short.[pulls out the Yellow Pages] I find it very useful.

Simon

They had a fight in Glastonbury, what happened?

Well issit they're...um... that they're both renowned...ah...sort of socialistic...ah....they ah...political...um...issit the-..ah...did Billy Bragg....

Simon

James. I don't mean to be rude..if there's anyway that you could talk abit quicker. I mean it's good in gritty dramas.

Sorry. Well issit that Billy Bragg is well-known..ah....aaah....aah.... [on purpose]

Simon

[pretends to be on the phone] I...need...a..hairdresser...I've cut..a child's...[looks at James and drops the Yellow Pages] We're not just gonna go on. Sorry, we're not just go on about the Yellow Pages.

2 looks like he's going to kill me! I haven't even said anything! What's wrong?

Simon

I think he thinks you dissed public transport!

Noel

I'm thinking that for the first sort of gift on a date it'd have to be a rainbow. I'd have to give your section of a rainbow.

Paloma just went, [imitates her], like it could actually happen! Like that was a possible gift!

But that's the problem, see, is people don't believe in these things anymore and they should!

They don't believe in what?

Noel

We've all got rainbow saws. Where was yours? They're like hacksaws, but they're longer!

It's just so wonderful, if you would just join us...

I know, but this is the thing. You want to know what? The only problem here...he's doing this for comic effect. You're actually being serious!

Janeane, I imagine you're a big fan of Blue?

I like their early stuff.

One for the money and the free rides...

Phill

...two for the go-karts and the windmills!

Last year, I'm so 3008...

Noel

...come in and shut the garden gate!

They call me her. They call me Jane...

Phill

...they call me Trixie! They call me Penny! They call me Angela! They call me Sue!

At the end of that, Noel's team have 8. Phill's team, you've got 3.

You've also got Paloma.

I'll enjoy this, no matter what happens.

You bet you are!

So here we are. I've got my fact sheet on Paloma. Paloma is a prolific do-gooder. She once put a pair of Kylie Minogue tickets in her local records shop in the hope that they would find a good home. [the audience awws and applauds as Paloma blows a kiss] They were used tickets! Old tickets!

That's not true!

And then she told everybody about it!

I didn't! I told one journalist!