Keith quotes from Never Mind the Buzzcocks

Sean

Um, I wish "Sussudio" was Phil Collins' dying words.

I think it's of some reference to masturbation. Seriously, there's a bit...

What, cause he did that (imitates Phil Collins playing air slap bass) in the middle? What a show off.

Goes like that in the middle and then goes to the microphone, doesn't he?

Sean

You do that when you're wanking?

Sometimes.

Sean

(imitating Keith) Pass the microphone. What are you on about?

Keith, I think all of us, apart from maybe Tom grew up as kids watching you on television, don't want to know about you masturbating. There are only so many mental pictures I can file away, and that ain't gonna be one of them.

No wonder you were so perky on "Saturday Superstore"!

You couldn't get me off.

Phill

"Cheggers GOES Pop"! Let's leave and come back! We turned up in the studio, there was some load of old wank about pirates, and then Cheggers started talking about walloping, it was a nightmare! What a nightmare night out!

Sean

You call it "walloping"?

Phill

I call it "walloping", yeah!

Have you never heard of "bashing the bishop"?

Sean

Yes...

Walloping.

Sean

Not in front of Neil, his dad is a bishop!

I bashed him furiously!

Phill

Is it my mum's radio?

Oi, oi! I didn't butt in when you were doing yours! (some audience members go "Ooooh!")

Phill

Cheggers Plays Tough!

I've never seen you this aggressive! What's happened to you tonight?

I just love game shows, I can't tell you! I get so involved.

Phill

There's no prizes, Keith!

I know, but it's the pleasure of being on.

Phill

On the way in, he saw an Austin Montego in the car park and he went (as Keith) "That could be it! That could be it! I could be walking away with it at the end of the night!"

And then I found out it was yours! Anyway... (audience start oooh-ing again and applauding) Oh no, I didn't mean that! I didn't mean that! I apologise!

Sean

Welcome to Cheggers Has A Pop!

I don't think he's gonna get it, in a minute Sean's going to have to explain the... (makes the hissing noise Sean made) ...noise he's been making for quite some time.

Sean

Sure, no problem.

I'm gonna pass it over. (to Phill) Do you know what it is?

Phill

It is "Cigarettes & Alcohol by Oh-ars-is.

It is "Cigarettes & Alcohol" by Oasis, let's hear that...

You were being a tambourine?

Sean

Yeah!

Phill

A tambourine!?

Every other week Sean does a movement or says a word or something. This week he went... (makes the hissing sound) ...thinking "they'll all know that's a tambourine!"

Sean

'Cos that's what Liam does before he starts singing every song.

What?

Sean

(makes the hissing sound)

Phill

The Salvation Army wouldn't sell many copies of War Cry if they walk into a pub, they forgot their tambourines and went... (hisses) "War Cry, sir?" (hisses again)

Simon

Keith, what do you prefer, Strictly Come Dancing or the X Factor? Do you prefer the one where the mentally ill people get to sing, or the one where the mentally ill people get to judge?

I haven't the foggiest idea what any of you are talking about.

You don't know about the X-Factor? That's the show I do!

Demort, I assure you...big fan!

Basically, my daughter said to me, "You're not going to guess one of them, Mum, so don't go on the show." I think she might have been right.

But you lived up to your child's expectations, and that's always a good thing.