Rhod quotes from Never Mind the Buzzcocks

Rhod

Hello, and welcome to Never Mind the Buzzcocks! I am Rhod Gilbert, Wales' answer to the question "Oi, Wales, who's that comedian of yours - no, not Rob Brydon - the other one who keeps trying to convince us to visit your shitty country?"

Rhod

Vanilla Ice appeared on the reality show The Farm in 2003. When asked why he agreed to do the show he said "well, I looked at my diary and saw there was a gap between June 1992 and my passing unnoticed into a crematorium oven." Vanilla Ice found fame difficult. We can relate to that - one minute you're a star on one of Britain's best loved soaps, the next you're sitting on a panel show with a teammate who looks like the bloated corpse of Rik Mayall!

Rhod

Gabby, you're not left out of these rock and roll antics, 'cos everybody thinks you're really boring... (audience laughter) but I read in my notes that you went to Steve Cram's New Year's Eve party!

(laughs) You're a tosser! (Rhod laughs) At midnight we all ran round the garden, and we timed it. It was just amazing.

Rhod

Is that where you met your husband?

No. Do you think all sports people get together on New Year's Eve at another famous sports person's house and then you marry...?

Noel

Pretty much.

Rhod

I read that you met him in a party, and I thought you can't have been to two! It's Kenny Logan, your husband of course, 'cos he thought he was chatting up Gaby Roslin! He did, it's true!

Not because he thought I looked like her, he just couldn't believe there were two people called Gabby who managed to get a job on telly, so he just assumed in the dark that I was Gaby Roslin.

Rhod

When did you break the news to him?

Within minutes.

Rhod

Of...? (audience laughter and applause)

I thought that he put his genitals on a guy's head, cos the guy was a... He was a bouncer at a show, and he was standing in the front, and Marilyn Manson was performing, and he took his pants off and just stuck his wee on the guy's head...

Rhod

Stuck his what?

Wee, isn't that what you say? His willy...

Phill

Yeah, an entire video game system on the guy's head!

Phill

Excuse me?

Rhod

A wallaroo and a goat...

Phill

Is that some mythical Welsh creature?

Rhod

I've got no idea, I'm guessing.

Phill

WHAT KIND OF A HOST ARE YOU!?

Rhod

I don't know, it doesn't say...

How did it get him in trouble then?

Rhod

Well that's sort of the question I'm asking you lot!

Well, that's no good, is it?

I feel sorry for poor old Vanilla, he always pops up for people to take the mickey out of...

Because he was rubbish!

He's not, he's the only popular artist in history whose head is exactly the same width as his neck.

Rhod

It looks like somebody gave a Pez machine a haircut, doesn't he!

I thought he was great.

Rhod

Really?

No! And also, you know he did some brilliant threats, Vanilla Ice, like lots of modern day rappers actually threaten to cut you and stuff, he just sort of threatened to cook for you, didn't he. "Quick to the point, to the point no fakin', cooking MCs like a pound of bacon."

Rhod

A bit of a clue to get the band - you need these to put on glasses.

I'm sorry, you're so Welsh I didn't understand a word of that! What, hands?

Rhod

No, close...

Ears...

Rhod

Close. Go on, what else do you need to put on glasses?

What do you mean? Ears or hands, there's nothing else you need.

Rhod

Yes there is!

Well let's go through the process... (Phill repeatedly takes off his glasses and puts them back on, emphasizing the elbows)

Elbow joints, elbow joints...

I can do, look, hands, arms...

Rhod

Right, you try it, try it only using your hands and your ears then.

Phill

This doesn't work! (Phill raises his arms with his glasses in his hands, not bending his elbows) Because...?

Depth of perception? Alright, so hands, and arms and muscular structure within the body? I hate this quiz! (Phill blows a handheld fan into Greg's face)

Rhod

Is that a normal size windmill? (Audience laughter and applause. Greg picks up the fan) Come on, what do you need to put your ruddy glasses on, you dick?

This better specifically be something you need to put your glasses on. I'm gonna come over there and twat you I swear to God!

Rhod

Okay, I'm handing it over...

I think it's Elbow.

Rhod

It is Elbow...

(incredulously) What!?

Noel

And you thought Gabby was retarded!

Phill

Title of the track?

Rhod

Just name an Elbow song.

Noel

We don't know an Elbow song!

Rhod

It was One Day Like This, and this is what it should've sounded like...