Never Mind the Buzzcocks Season 9 quotes

(introducing David) Since leaving Dollar, David's career has gone on the up. He now runs a number of stalls in Brighton selling burgers and flowers. So if you fancy some carnations stinking of beef and Calor gas, there's your man.

Missy Elliott is famous for her expensive jewellery, her love of flashy cars and for owning more than 4,000 pairs of trainers. Which sounds impressive until you hear David owns 200-weight of diced onions and a loft full of gherkins!

They've been good to me, those sausages, you know!

You keep that for your autobiography, sunbeam! And, I'll be the judge of that, cheeky-chops!

I might not be here without those.

Sean

Yeah, he's got his van parked outside.

So what do you want us to do? Thank sausages you're here?

Give them all vouchers (gestures to the audience) when they're leaving, buy a sausage!

Vouchers so they can buy a sausage? People can buy sausages anyway.

Not outside here!

They don't need a voucher, it's not Poland!

Mine are special.

You've got special sausages?

Yeah. The proof is in the pudding.

You sell pudding as well?

Sean

Can we have a look at the newspaper headline?

Sean

Well it's the Daily Mail so no doubt at the bottom it'll say like "millions of Ethiopians are dying, they'll probably move next door to you tomorrow!"

Well it would be good if they moved next door to him (points to David) he could feed them, can't he?

Sean

They don't all like sausages though, they're used to rice and stuff. (to David) Do you do rice?

W...

Sean

No, no, it's alright. This was the same time that Guys n' Dolls were about, yeah?

No it was a bit later, actually... (an ice-cream van's chimes play "Oh Dear! What Can the Matter Be?")

Ooh, your van's here!

I've gotta go! (gets up) Gotta make some money! (sits back down again) You're gonna let me go as well, aren't you?

I wasn't gonna cry for you to come back! You must feel very at home with the team captains - a 99 and a Flake!

Sean

I'm a little bit peckish, I don't know why! (the chimes play again) Mummy, the onion ring man is here!

Ricky

Oooh sausages! Sausages!

Special magic sausages!

Sean

Did you put "Van" in your name after you got the van, or is that just a coincidence?

I don't think it's a music video at all...

Sean

It's Ally McCoist and he comes out and shags Midge and goes, "You're Scottish, you'll do!"

Midge & McCoist. Urgh, what a bad porn film that would make! You'd never buy a porn film with "Midge" in the title, would you?

Sean

Not again anyway, that's for sure!

Although I would buy one called "The Magic Sausage", which is one of my favourite operas.

I really don't think it's a music video, I think it's a soap powder commercial, a really long-winded one. "Do you want to know how to get rid of dirt? Grime? Grass stains? Snake venom? Midge Ure? Use new Daz!" That might be it.

Also to be in the jungle and do the Challenge, that would be pretty cruel, wouldn't it? "Is this better than your normal soap powder?" "We haven't got a normal soap powder, we haven't got anything to eat! Although hold on, what's that noise?" (the chimes ring again and Ricky puts his hand up)

Midge Ure's ex-wife Annabel Giles recently referred to herself as a B-list celebrity. Good news, Britain, that means we're all A-list celebrities! Including the pigeons!

Can you do it in my ear?

Sean

Do what in your ear? (shouts in David's ear) Burger, large chips...

It's the only language he understands!

Sean

Mushy peas and a bit of curry!

Sean

Come back! You must be shit in that van! "What do you want love?" (spins around) "Oh there you are! What was it?"

(laughing) Can we have some reverb?

Can we have some off?

(starts whistling into his microphone with a bit of reverb)

Sean

Are you calling for a dog?

It's the eerie burger man! That would be a great advert to keep kids off fried food - him!

Is it recent or is it quite old?

Sean

No it's old.

It's oooollld.

Have you ever had electric shock treatment?

I burnt myself on a cooker once!

Sean

Okay I'm ready. I'm having a bit of a breakdown! In two years time I'm gonna be working with him in Brighton - "Burger?" (Sean stares into space, hands the burger over and whistles)

(Provides a decent backing for Sean)

Sean

A-bum-tish, a-bum-tish, a-bum-tish, shish kebab! Shish kebab! Shish kebab! You're obsessed man!

They probably are still working, this group. I'm still working so they must still be working.

But you're working in a burger van!

I do the odd date.

In what band do you play with now? Bucks Fizz?

Dollar, Bucks Fizz, you name it. Guys n' Dolls...

Alright, Pink Floyd?

Could do a tribute to Pink Floyd.

Really? What, and not play for a long time?

Okay, Sean's team you need six to win, your time starts now. "I believe in miracles..."

Sean

Hence David's on the show!

"Where you from, you sexy thing", Hot Chocolate. "You don't have to say you love me, just be close at hand...

Sean

Salt and vinegar?

"You don't have to stay forever, I will understand." Number five for Guys n' Dolls in 1975.

Yep. "And the only way to get rid of this great big onion..."

Sean

Sorry, we're closed half-day Tuesday.

It's unbelievably The Onion Song by Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell. The next line - "is to plant love seeds until it dies." "Mirror mirror mon amour..."

"Mirror mirror mon amour, send me what I'm waiting for..."

That's right, yeah. Dollar. "I was so upset that I cried all the way to the chip shop..."

Is it Elvis Presley... boy lives down the... chip shop... and he thinks he's Elvis Presley...

Sean

Have you just had a stroke? 'Cos that's "There's a Guy Works Down the Chip Shop Swears He's Elvis" (Time up!)

It was actually "and when I came out, there was Gordon standing at the bus stop" from Jilted John by Jilted John. Do you know what? It comes as a great shock to me that you haven't won!

This has been Never Mind the Buzzcocks, I've been Mark Lamarr... (The chimes play one more time) (to David) I think you've got to go back to the mothership!

Phill

There's a bit at the end that kind of disturbed me a little - yeah. Licking his finger going up to her armpit, does he have, like, got deodorant saliva? And he's offering her...

She shaved everything but one hair and it's driving him mad. "You got one..." *poink* you know... that's the noise it sounds when you pull one hair out... "poink."

Sean

"Poink"?

"Poink"'s probably right yeah... onomatopoeically.

Onomatopoeically, hello?

Phill

Was he just turned on by a big word then? Never do Countdown, never ever... (as Fairbrass) Oooh, oh conundrum, hello!

I do not speak like that!

Phill

You just did!

(laughing) I do not! I do not!

Phill

Let's have a look then at the Billy Bragg thing. (a still from Sexuality by Billy Bragg is shown - Billy is seen holding a sign saying "Uality" next to a road sign saying "Essex") He's at the side of the A13 if we can have a look at that...

You think he actually got to "Uality" in the end?

Sean

Richard's just gone "what's 'ualty'?" We're gonna win tonight(!)

I thought maybe it was a town!

Sean

That you got banned from!