The Simpsons · Season 6
[singing] Who controls the British Crown?
Who keeps the metric system down?
We do, we do
Who leaves Atlantis off the maps?
Who keeps the Martians under wraps?
We do, we do
Who holds back the electric car?
Who makes Steve Guttenberg a star?
We do, we do
Who robs cave fish of their sight?
Who rigs every Oscar night?
We do... we do!
This ritual is called Crossing the Desert. [leads Homer in front of a line of members with paddles]
[being spanked as he walks by] Ow ow ow ow ow ow!
And this is we call the Unblinking Eye. [leads Homer again]
[being spanked again] Ow ow ow ow ow ow! [on the other side of the line] Hey, have ya ever noticed that the Crossing the Desert is a lot like the Unblinking Eye? It's exactly like The Wreck of the Hesperus.
And now the final ordeal: The Paddling of the Swollen Ass... with paddles. [leads Homer a third time]
[After being rejected by the new club, Homer takes matters into his own hands and replaces the members with monkeys]
Loyal Stonecutters, let us begin our reenactment of the Battle of Gettysburg.
[camera pulls back to reveal scattered, costumed and drunk monkeys]
[walking in] Homer, you can't just keep hanging out with these globus monkeys. Somebody's going to get parasites.
Oh Marge, kids, I miss my club.
Oh, Homey. You know, you "are" a member of a very exclusive club.
Black panthers?
No, the family Simpson, which has just five members -- and only two of those members have special rings.
Yeah!
[they blow on their whistle rings]
I meant our wedding rings!
Remove the Stone of Shame!
[The Stone of Shame is removed from Homer's neck]
Woo-hoo!
Attach the Stone of Triumph!
[an even bigger stone is attached]
Oh, I hope I haven't upset you... bongo-head!
[starts playing the bongos on Burns' head]
Oh, I should be resisting this, but I'm paralyzed with rage... and island rhythms.
[Homer drives through the plant and everyone cheers as Homer continues playing]
Yeah, way to play the boss's head like a bongo, Homer!
He's getting a pretty good sound out of that guy.
Ah, another perfect day in my perfect life with my perfect job.
[driving by] Hey, just heard the news over the squawk box. That's nice work, Homer.
[thinking about his new job] Thank you, thank you very much. It is nice work.
[Kwik-E-Mart]
Oh Mr. Simpson, I have just heard about the little bundle of joy. Congratulations, sir.
[still oblivious] It's true, the bundle is little, but I'm not in it for the money.
[Moe's Tavern]
Hey Homer, way to get Marge pregnant.
[confused] This is getting very abstract, but thank you, I do enjoy working at the bowling alley.
[barges door] Man, it's windy as hell out there! [notices baby shower] Hey, wait a minute. What are all these presents? It looks like you're... showering Marge with gifts... hmm, [examines a piece of baby clothes] with little, tiny baby-sized gifts. [little oblivious] Well... I'll be in the tub. [walks upstairs]
By the way, congratulations on your new job, Homer.
New job..? Marge is pregnant?! [yanks out his few remaining hairs] NOOOOOOOOOOO!
[Homer runs upstairs, shrieking hysterically.]
Oh, you're pregnant! That means we're gonna have to have a baby. All our financial plans are ruined! We're doomed! Doomed, I tells ya!
[He lets out a scream as his head swells like a balloon and then pops. Cut to the present]
Bart, let your father tell the story!
Yeah!
Okay, but I know funny.
[Homer is staring at a bowling ball, trying to think of a way to increase business at the bowling alley]
Of course!
[Cut to outside the bowling alley, Homer is firing a shotgun into the air while people around him run away, screaming]
Bowling! Bowling here! Get your bowling! Who's ready? Bowling!
[in the present] Mom, make Dad tell the story right!
That's what really happened.
Oh.
[At the hospital, Mayor Quimby holds a newborn child in his arms while the mother (a young woman) rests.]
This is incredible. It's God's most wondrous miracle.
Sir, I think your wife wants to hold the baby.
My wife? Where? Where?! [runs off in a panic]
[Homer holds Maggie for the first time.]
Awww, it's a boy. [looking down] And what a boy!
Uh... that's the umbilical cord; it's a girl.
[ominous] Destroy that balloon.
Aye. [cocks a shotgun, shoots into the sky]
[two fighter planes fly overhead]
Tango 14, we're being fired at. I'm getting an exact ID on the bogey now.
[screen shows a silhouette of Willy and "Identify"; screen flashes "Iraqi fighter jet"]
Iraqis again. Launching sidewinder missile. [missile destroys the other plane] Missed him. Launching second sidewinder missile. [missile destroys his own plane]
[parachuting] This is what happens when you cut money out of the military and put it into health care!
[parachuting] It's a good program! Just give it a chance, that's all I ask.
[their parachutes fail; they crash to the ground]
[a slide shows the comet impact, showing Moe's bar in the center]
Oh, dear God, no!
Fortunately, we have a plan. Professor Frink?
Mu-hi. Good evening, ladies and—
Quit stalling! What's the plan?!
Alright, just take your seat, just take your seat. [removes cloth, to a scale model of Springfield] Now, working with former Carter-administration officials and military men who were forced into early retirement—for various reasons which we won't go here, okay?—we have planned this defense for the city. [flips switch] As the comet hurdles toward the city, our rocket will intercept it, and blow it to smithereens. Ma-hyvin! [explodes. Flames land onto Moe's bar]
Oh, dear God, no!
With our utter annihilation imminent, our federal government has snapped into action. We go live now via satellite to the floor of the United States Congress.
Then it is unanimous, we are going to approve the bill to evacuate the town of Springfield in the great state of—
Wait a second, I want to tack on a rider to that bill—$30 million of taxpayer money to support the perverted arts.
All in favor of the amended Springfield-slash-prevert(sic) bill? [entire Congress boos] Bill defeated. [gavel]
I've said it before and I'll say it again: democracy simply doesn't work.
[The comet hits the atmosphere over Springfield, crumbling until it lands as a harmless rock smaller than a nearby Chihuahua's head.]
I can't believe that extra-thick layer of pollution that I've actually picketed against is what burned up the comet.
But what's really amazing is that this is exactly what Dad said would happen.
Yeah, Dad was right.
I know, kids. I'm scared too.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
