Julius Hibbert quotes from The Simpsons

Dr. Hibbert

Mrs. Simpson, I'm afraid your husband is dead. [Simpson family gasps except for Marge, Bart and Lisa, laughs] April Fools. He's very much alive, although I'm afraid he may never walk again.

Dr. Hibbert

Now, a little death anxiety is normal. You can expect to go through five stages. The first is denial.

Homer

No way, because I'm not dying!

Dr. Hibbert

The second is anger.

Homer

[furiously] Why you little...! [shouts madly]

Dr. Hibbert

After that comes fear.

Homer

[worried] What's after fear? What's after fear?!

Dr. Hibbert

Bargaining.

Homer

Doc, you gotta get me outta this. I'll make it worth your while.

Dr. Hibbert

Finally acceptance.

Homer

Well, we all gotta go sometime.

Dr. Hibbert

Mr. Simpson, your progress astounds me.

Dr. Hibbert

If you want him to live through the night, I suggest you roll him onto his stomach.

Marge

Thank you, Doctor.

Dr. Hibbert

Remember, I said "if".

Homer

Marge! Marge, where's the baby?!

Patty

[pointing to Marge's belly] Right where you left it!

Homer

Shut up!

Patty

[stands up and stares down Homer] Hey listen, fat boy!

Homer

[furious] NO, YOU LISTEN! This is my wife, and this is my kid, and I'm paying for this delivery, so if you wanna stay, you'd better show me some respect!

Marge

Homer, does this mean...?

Homer

Starting tomorrow, I'm a nuclear technician!

Dr. Hibbert

[horrified] Good God!

Mr. Burns

[bursts thru the ward] This man is costing my health plan $5000 a day! I demand that Joe die with dignity. [he plugs the plug]

Dr. Hibbert

Now, look, I'm the doctor here.

Mr. Burns

Well, I demand a second opinion.

[pops in] Hi, everybody!

Hi, Dr. Nick! [Nick pokes Homer's abdomen with a reflex hammer]

Homer

[squeaks] Mrrh.

Oh dear, I see no signs of life. Just to be safe, we better pull the plug.

Mr. Burns

Yoink!

Dr. Hibbert

Well, sir, Homer's illness was either caused by ingesting spoiled food or...[chuckles]: some sort of voodoo curse.

Patty

Hey! We've just been working the eyes. [Selma holds up a Homer-shaped voodoo doll with 12 needles (six on each eye) in his eyes]

Homer

Your old meat made me sick!

Why, I'm so sorry. Please accept five pounds of frozen shrimp. [Homer picks up and sniffs a piece of shrimp]

Homer

This shrimp isn't frozen – and it smells funny!

Okay, ten pounds.

Homer

Woo-hoo!

Hibbert

I'm sorry, that leg's going to have to come off. [Homer and Bart gasps] Ha, ha, ha. Did I say "leg"? I meant that wet bathing suit. I'm afraid you'll need a cast on that broken bone.

Bart

Aw, I'm going to miss the whole summer.

Homer

Don't worry, boy. When you get a job like me, you'll miss every summer.

Homer

Awww, it's a boy. [looking down] And what a boy!

Dr. Hibbert

Uh... that's the umbilical cord; it's a girl.

Dr. Hibbert

Well, I couldn't possibly solve this mystery. Can you?

Chief Wiggum

Yeah, I'll give it a shot. I mean, it's my job, right?

Hibbert

Homer, this is your physician, Dr. Julius Hibbert. Can you tell us what it's like in there?

Homer

Um, it's like, uh... did anyone see the movie Tron?

Hibbert

No.

Lisa

No.

Chief Wiggum

No.

Marge

No.

Bart

No.

Patty

No.

Chief Wiggum

No.

Ned

No.

Selma

No.

Frink

No.

Lovejoy

No.

Chief Wiggum

Yes. I no. I mean, no. No.

Lisa

Well, where's my dad?

Frink

Well, it should be obvious to even the most dim-witted individual who holds an advanced degree in hyperbolic topology, n'gee, that Homer Simpson has stumbled into... [lights off] the third di-mension.

Lisa

[switches the light on] Sorry.

Frink

[draws a square on the chalkboard] Here is an ordinary square.

Chief Wiggum

Whoa, whoa! Slow down, egghead.

Frank

But suppose we extend the square beyond the two dimensions of our universe... along the hypothetical "Z" axis there.

[gasps]

Frink

This forms a three-dimensional object known as a cube, or a "Frinkahedron," in honor of its discoverer, n-gl'hey, n'hey.

Homer

[in echo voice] Help me! Are you helping me? Or are you going on and on?

Frink

Oh, right. And, of course, within we find the doomed individual.

Chief Wiggum

Enough of your borax, Poindexter! A man's life is at stake. We need action!

Chief Wiggum

Take that, you lousy dimension!

Sideshow Bob

[speaking on a large TV screen] Hello, Springfield. Sorry to divert your attention from all the big noises and shiny things. But something's been troubling me lately: television! Wouldn't our lives be so much richer if television were done away with?

What?

Dr. Hibbert

Surely he's not talking about VH1.

Sideshow Bob

Why, we could revive the lost arts of conversation...and scrimshaw. Thus I submit to you, we abolish television...permanently!

Homer

Go back to Massachusetts, pinko!

Sideshow Bob

Oh, and one more thing-- I've stolen a nuclear weapon. And if you do not rid this city of television in two hours, I will detonate it. Farewell. [Bob cuts the link, then turns it back on] By the way, I'm well aware of the irony of appearing on TV in order to decry it, so don't bother pointing that out.

Doctor Hibbert

Yes, I remember Bart's birth well. You don't forget a thing like... [dramatic] Siamese twins!

Lisa

I believe they prefer to be called "conjoined twins".

Doctor Hibbert

And Hillbillies prefer to be called "sons of the soil", but it ain't gonna happen!

Marge

I think I'll bottle-feed that one.

Doctor Hibbert

[voiceover from the present] A routine soul smear confirmed the presence of pure evil, it was then I knew the option was to separate you 2... immediately. [from the past] You both need to sign these. [voiceover from the present] But what to do with poor Hugo? Too crazy for Boy's Town; too much of a boy for Crazy Town. The child was an outcast. [Back in the present.] So we did the only humane thing.

Homer

We chained Hugo up in the attic like an animal and fed him a bucket of fish heads once a week.

Marge

It saved our marriage.

Homer

[Shoots a beer can open] Anyone else want a beer?

Dr. Hibbert

Homer! You use your gun as a can opener?

Homer

I use it for everything! Watch me turn on the TV. [Shoots the TV, it turns on, and a cowboy onscreen falls down dead]

Agnes

I've never seen such recklessness!

You mighta hurt someone!

Cletus

Are you some kinda moron?!

Homer

Yeah, but--

Krusty

Hey, yutz! Guns aren't toys! They're for family protection, hunting dangerous or delicious animals, and keepin' the King of England out of your face.

Your membership card, please, Homer. [Homer sadly hands him the card, and he tears it up] I'll also need to remove your tattoo. [holds up a grater]

Homer

I didn't get one yet.

Rats.

Marge

Doctor, will he be all right?

Dr. Hibbert

Yes, he was lucky. If that were a gladiola, he'd be dead right now.

Bart

Why don't you just pull it out?

Dr. Hibbert

[laughs] I'm a doctor, not a gardener.

Homer

Couldn't you prune some of the leaves so I can watch TV?

Dr. Hibbert

What did I just say?