Carl Carlson quotes from The Simpsons

Carl

I'll have you know I'm also a hair donor. Salma Hayek wore me to the Oscars.

Carl

Don't talk about Moe's. Don't talk about Moe's.

Homer

So I say, forget you pal! Thanks for nothing! And I storm right out of there.

Ah ha, that's telling him, Homer.

Homer

D'oh! Out of tartar sauce. They call this a portion? Hey, Lenny. Are you gonna use your sauce? Dry fish sticks! This sucks.

Carl

Quit complaining, chrome-dome.

Homer

D'oh! If I had hair, you wouldn't be calling me that!

Homer

Hi!

Hey, look! Homer's got one of those robot cars!

Carl

One of those American robot cars.

[singing] Who controls the British Crown?

Carl

Who leaves Atlantis off the maps?

Who keeps the Martians under wraps?

We do, we do

Who holds back the electric car?

Principal Skinner

Who robs cave fish of their sight?

Homer

Who rigs every Oscar night?

We do... we do!

Homer

Oh, I hope I haven't upset you... bongo-head!

Mr. Burns

Oh, I should be resisting this, but I'm paralyzed with rage... and island rhythms.

Carl

Yeah, way to play the boss's head like a bongo, Homer!

He's getting a pretty good sound out of that guy.

Homer

"Explosion imminent". [scrolls back through text, sees gas wasn't vented] Oh, my God! The plant's going to explode!

Carl

Hey, that thing's going caca-cuckoo.

Who cares? It's Homer's problem.

Mr. Burns

We need some excitement around here!

Chinese checkers or domestic, sir?

Mr. Burns

No, no. Something fun. Something the men will enjoy... like a safety drill! But what kind? Meltdown alert? Mad dog drill? Blimp attack? Ah... I think a good old-fashioned fire drill today. [presses the "Fire Drill" button as the alarm goes off, most people just stare, intrigued]

Carl

All right, popcorn's ready! [takes the bag out of the microwave and pours kernels in a bowl]

Homer

Hey! That's the fire alarm!

Carl

We gotta get out of here!

Wait for me! [filling a cup at the cocoa machine] Come on, come on, come on!

Get out of my way!

Fire, fire, fire, fire, fire, fire, fire, fire!

Mr. Burns

Is it supposed to take this long? What's a good time for a mass evacuation of the entire plant?

Forty-five seconds!

Mr. Burns

And what's our time so far?

I don't know, sir. This stopwatch only goes up to fifteen minutes.

Mr. Burns

Damnation! What kind of slow coaches do I have working for me? Ah. Here comes one of our fellows now.

Homer

I think I won, Mr. Burns.

Mr. Burns

Yes! [Hauntingly] You won, all right! You won more than you bargained for.

Homer

Woo-hoo!

Mr. Burns

What a disgraceful display! I've seen more orderly behavior in a Ritz Brothers film. You all need a serious lesson in teamwork.

Carl

Maybe he does, but I don't.

Hey, you take that back!

Carl

No! You take that back!

Homer

Hit him, Carl! You too, Lenny! D'oh!

... Hey, did you hear something?

Carl

No?

Hm. Did I?

Carl

I don't know.

Carl

According to the map, the cabin should be right here.

Hey, maybe there is no cabin. Maybe it's one of them metaphorical things.

Carl

Oh yeah, yeah... Like maybe the cabin is the place inside each of us, created by our goodwill and teamwork.

[in a flash of insight] Ohhh! Nah, they said there would be sandwiches.

Grimes

Look, everybody! Simpson's in a contest with children!

Hey, shush!

Carl

You're making us miss the contest.

Mr. Burns

Could you explain your model, young man?

Grimes

What's to explain? He's an idiot!

Pipe down!

Homer

Well, basically I just copied the plant we have now.

Mr. Burns

Hmm.

Homer

Then, I added some fins to lower wind resistance and this racing stripe here I feel is pretty sharp.

Mr. Burns

Agreed. First prize! [Mr. Burns gives Homer a ribbon and some cash]

Grimes

WHAT?!

Carl

Way to go, Homer!

You're number one, Homer!

Grimes

But, but, t-t-this was a contest for children!

Yeah, and Homer beat their brains out!

[on Homer running for sanitation commissioner] I don't know Ray Patterson, but he's no Ray Patterson.

Carl

Yeah, Homer's a great nuclear safety inspector, but I don't know if I'd trust him with my garbage.

Homer

Maybe, but you don't know Lisa, I mean she's so smart they hooked her up to a big computer to try to teach it some things, but she had so much knowledge, it overloaded, and then it got really hot and caught on fire!

Carl

That never, uh, happened, did it, Homer?

Homer

Ah, yes, but now I have to leave on a totally unrelated matter. :[he starts to leave, then rushes out]: Oh, Lisa!

Well, I gotta hand it to you, Homer, you're really brave to go through with this operation.

Homer

It's not an operation, Moe. The doctor says it's just a procedure.

No, no, no - making polenta, that's a procedure. You're talking about deadly life-threatening surgery here.

Homer

[worried] Really? You think It's dangerous?

Carl

Oh yeah, and even if you survive the operation--

Homer

Procedure! Deadly procedure.

Carl

Whatever; the point is, with only one kidney, you won't be able to drink yourself stupid no more.

Homer

Now you're just trying to scare me.

Plus, they'll put you on one of those organ donor sucker lists. Everyone who wants an eyeball or a spine or a vestigial tail will be after ya!

Homer

But I don't want that!

Listen, I'm just gonna get right to the point here - can I have your buttocks? I mean, if you die. They look pretty comfortable.

Homer

Yeah, I guess...

Carl

And, uh, are those your original lips?

Homer

Well, actually I-- Hey! Quit harvesting me with your eyes! [storms out of the bar]

[watching him leave] Oh yeah, that would look so good on me!

Miss! Miss! Sorry, I was calling the waitress. Uh, this split you sold me is making me choke!

Homer

Lenny!

What?! I paid $7.10 for this split!

Carl

Will you at least call it a banana split, you dumbwad!

Hey! Spare me your guttermouth--