Maude Flanders quotes from The Simpsons

Maude

Todd, would you like some mixed vegetables?

Todd

Hell, no.

Maude

[sternly] What did you say?

Todd

I said I don't want any damn vegetables.

Ned

All right, that's it, young man! No Bible Stories for you tonight!

Maude

Weren't you a little hard on him?

Ned

Well, you knew I had a temper when you married me.

Ned Flanders

Look! It's the four elephants of the Apocalypse!

Maude

That's "Horsemen," Ned.

Ned

Well, getting closer.

Bart

Well, I guess that explains everything.

Homer

Not everything. [talking to Ned] There's still the little matter of the whereabouts of your wife.

Maude

Uh, I'm right here.

Homer

Oh, I see. Then I guess everything's wrapped up in a neat little package!

Homer

Really, I mean that. Sorry if it sounded sarcastic.

Homer

[barges door] Man, it's windy as hell out there! [notices baby shower] Hey, wait a minute. What are all these presents? It looks like you're... showering Marge with gifts... hmm, [examines a piece of baby clothes] with little, tiny baby-sized gifts. [little oblivious] Well... I'll be in the tub. [walks upstairs]

Maude

By the way, congratulations on your new job, Homer.

Homer

New job..? Marge is pregnant?! [yanks out his few remaining hairs] NOOOOOOOOOOO!

Ned

[answer on the phone] Howdily-doodely.

Homer

[recording] Greetings, friends. Do you wish to look as--

Ned

[hangs up] Oh, it's that darn recording again.

Maude

Of course it was. It's been calling all night. Just unplug the phone.

Ned

Howdily-di--

Homer

[recording] Greetings, friends.

Ned

[hangs up again] Dang!

Maude

I told you to unplug the phone.

Ned

But it could be my mother! [the phone rings again; answers it] Howdy--

Homer

[recording] Greetings, friends.

Ned

[hangs up again] Shoot!

Maude

That is it, Ned! If you don't unplug that phone right now, you're sleeping on the lawn!

Homer

[shouts through the window] WILL YOU TWO SHUT UP?! PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO SLEEP!

Ned

[answers on the phone] Howd--

Homer

[recording] Greetings, friends.

Maude

[off-screen] Ned, did you plug that phone back in?

Homer

[shouts again] SHUT UP!!! [slams the window]

Maude

Excuse me, Edna, I don't think we're talking about love here! We're talking about s-e-x, in front of the c-h-i-l-d-r-e-n!

Krusty

"Sex Cauldron?" I thought they closed that place down!

Maude Flanders

[looks at witches] Oh, Neddie, look at them up there, plotting our doom. They could force us to do wanton acts of carnality.

Ned Flanders

[scoffs] Yeah, that'll be the day.

Maude, it's a miracle! The Lord has drowned the wicked and spared the righteous.

Maude

[gasps] Isn't that Homer Simpson?

Looks like heaven's easier to get into than Arizona State.

Maude

My bladder's going to burst.

Ned

Now I know you've had a few too many waters, but that is no reason for the sailor talk.