You're serving us gruel?
Not quite. [pulls out a large drum of gruel with Krusty's face on the front] This is Krusty-Brand Imitation Gruel. Nine out of ten orphans can't tell the difference.
S4Kamp Krusty
[Krusty has arrived at the camp to deal with the Bart-led riot]
How could you, Krusty? I'd never lend my name to an inferior product.
[crying] They drove a dump truck full of money up to my house! I'm not made of stone!
Krusty, this camp was a nightmare! They fed us gruel, they forced us to make wallets for export, and one of the campers was eaten by a bear!
OH MY GOD!! [sobs]
Well, actually, the bear just ate his hat.
Was it a nice hat?
Oh, yeah.
OH MY GOD!! [continues sobbing]
S4A Streetcar Named Marge
LSLlewelyn Sinclair
Hello! I am Llewelyn Sinclair! I have directed three plays in my career and I have had three heart attacks. That's how much I care, I am planning for a fourth.
Hmm, maybe I should have taken a nice calligraphy class.
Oh, forget it, that Mr. Takahashi's a lunatic.
LSLlewelyn Sinclair
Quiet!
Sorry.
LSLlewelyn Sinclair
I'm not an easy man to work for. While directing Hats Off to Chanukkah, I reduced more than one cast member to tears. Did I expect too much from fourth-graders? The review "Play enjoyed by all"... [holds up an elementary school newspaper with said headline] speaks for itself.
Hmm.
Are there any jive-talking robots in this play?
I don't think so.
Bart, don't ask stupid questions. [to Marge] Is there any frontal nudity?
[sighs] No, Homer.
[Back in Springfield Community Center]
My name is Helen Lovejoy. I'm been playing Stella.
AApu
I am Apu Nahasapeemapetilon. I played Steve.
OOtto
My name is Otto! I'm playing Pablo!
Lionel Hutz, attorney at law. I'm filing a class-action suit against the director on behalf of everyone who was cut from the play. I also play Mitch!
I'm Marge Simpson. I'm played Blanche. I'm make some peanut butter brownies for anyone.
[Opening number of "Oh, Streetcar!"]
[The curtain rises revealing Chief Wiggum standing in front of a set resembling the New Orleans Superdome
CWChief Wiggum as chorus member
Long before the Superdome,
Where the Saints of football play,
There’s a city that the damned call home,
Hear their hellish rondelet...
[The set rotates revealing a New Orleans street set surrounded by the other chorus members]
CMChorus members
New Orleans!
Home of pirates, drunks, and whores,
New Orleans!
Tacky, overpriced souvenir stores,
If you want to go to hell, you should take a trip,
To the Sodom and Gomorrah of the Mississip'
New Orleans!
Stinking, rotten, vomiting, vile,
New Orleans!
Putrid, brackish, maggotty, foul,
New Orleans!
Crummy, lousy, rancid and rank,
New Orleans!
[Introduction of Blanche DuBois played by Marge]
HLHelen Lovejoy as Stella
[To Blanche] [In a New Orleans accent] What's the matter, honey? Are you lost?
MAMarge as Blanche
[In a New Orleans accent] I'm looking for my sister, Stella.
[In the audience] It's mom!
[Homer, Bart and Maggie look up to see Marge is now on stage]
BBlanche
My name is Blanche DuBois.
[singing] I thought my life would be a Mardi Gras...
A never-ending party... [pause] Ha!
I'm a faded Southern dame without a dime...
Apu as Steve the paperboy I am collecting for the evening star.
BBlanche
Come here, I wanna kiss you just once... softly and sweetly...on your mouth...
[singing] I am just a simple paperboy, no romance do I seek..
I just wanted forty cents, for my deliveries last week...
Will this bewitching floozy...
Seduce this humble newsie?
Oh, what's a paperboy to... doooooo?
[Blanche kisses him] Woo-hoo!
["Stanley's torment" musical number]
NANed as Stanley
[yelling] Stella! STELLLAAAA!
[singing] Can't you hear me YELLA!
You're puttin' me through HELLA! Stella... STELLLAAAA!
[Blache flies around the stage in anguish surrounded by red fog and lasers]
[in the audience] Cool! She can fly!
I think it's supposed to symbolize her descent into madness
[Closing number]
BBlanche
Whoever you are, I have always depended on the kindness of strangers...
[song begins]
CChorus
You can always depend on the kindness of strangers, to pluck up your spirits, and shield you from dangers.
BBlanche
Now here's a tip from Blanche you won't regret.
CChorus
[waving good-bye to Blanche as she exits stage right on a motorized streetcar prop]
A stranger's just a friend you haven't met.
You ha-ven't met...
Streetcar!
[The curtain falls on the performance and the audience cheers wildly while giving a standing ovation]
S4Homer the Heretic
[Groundskeeper Willie tries to unfreeze the church doors with a blowtorch.]
How's that door coming, Willie?
Miracles are your department, Reverend.
[God appears in Homer's dream, ripping the roof off his house.]
God ...?
[points finger at Homer] Thou hast forsaken My church!
Well, kind of, but-
But what?!
I'm not a bad guy. I work hard and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to hell?
[stops himself] Hmm, you've got a point there. [sits beside Homer] Sometimes, even I would rather be watching football. Does St. Louis still have a team?
No, they moved to Phoenix.
Oh, yeah.
You know what I really hate about church? Those boring sermons.
[sighs] I couldn't agree more, that Reverend Lovejoy really displeases me. I think I'll give him a canker sore.
Give him one for me.
I will. [pets Snowball II]
So I figure I should just try to live right and worship You in my own way.
Homer, it's a deal. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to appear in a tortilla in Mexico.
[After Homer's friends save him from his burning house.]
The Lord is vengeful! [falls to his knees] O Spiteful One! Show me who to smite, and they shall be smoten!
[chuckles] Homer, God didn't set your house on fire.
No, but He was working in the hearts of your friends and neighbors when they came to your aid, be they [points to Ned] Christian, [Krusty] Jew, or [Apu] ...miscellaneous.
AApu
Hindu! There are 700 million of us.
[condescendingly] Aw, that's super.
I was rude to every one of you. And you saved my life when you could've just left me to fry like the proverbial pancake that I am.
Aw, Homer! I'm so glad to hear you say that.
S4Lisa the Beauty Queen
Scott, everyone is here from the Mayor's illegitimate son to our own [camera focuses up] Duff blimp.
[aboard the Duff blimp] Hi. Can I drive?
PPilot
Well, I can't see the harm.
[Barney crashes the blimp into a nearby radio tower, causing the blimp to burst into flames.]
[looks away] Oh, the humanity! Anyway, to turn on the store's severe tire damage spikes, here's Little Miss Springfield.
But it does seem the father of the deposed beauty queen, Homer Simpson, filled out the pageant application incorrectly. In the area under "Do not write in this space," he wrote "Okay."
[Homer and Lisa watch at home]
If it wasn't for me, you'd still be queen. You must hate me.
Dad, do you remember why you entered me in that pageant?
I dunno. Was I drunk?
Possibly. But the point is, you wanted me to feel better about myself. And I do.
Really?
Uh-huh.
Will you remember this the next time I wreck your life?
It's a deal.
[They hug]
S4Treehouse of Horror III
[First lines]
[impersonating Alfred Hitchcock] Good evening. [normally] I've been asked to tell you that the following show is very scary, with stuff that might give your kids nightmares. You see, there are some crybabies out there - religious types, mostly - who might be offended. If you are one of them, I advise you to turn off your set now. Come on, I dare you! [clucks, flaps his arms] Chicken!
[suddenly, the screen goes out. In darkness, a white dot is visible; offscreen] Hey!
[Footstep sounds heard]
[offscreen] Homer, did you just call everyone "chicken"?
[offscreen] No. I swear on this Bible.
[offscreen] That's not a Bible, that's a book of carpet samples!
[The white dot disappears slowly]
[offscreen] Ooh...fuzzy.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.