Principal Skinner quotes from The Simpsons

Principal Skinner

Oh, you think this stolen "H" is a laugh riot, don't you? Well, I'll tell you something that's not so funny. Right now, Superintendent Chalmers is at home crying like a little girl. [The entire class laughs at this. He can't help but chuckle himself as he finds it a little funny, too.] I guess it is a little funny.

Principal Skinner

This is a proud day. Now when people ask if we're in compliance the Americans with Disabilities Act of 1975, I can say, we are closer than ever before!

Principal Skinner

Lisa, this is outrageous! Explain yourself!

Principal Skinner

Simpson, you've been waving your nuts in my face for too long...

Principal Skinner

When I catch the culprit, and I will, I'm gonna throw this away. [Holds up a book titled Public School Punishment Guidelines] And use this instead! [Holds up a book titled Catholic School Punishment Guidelines with a picture of a kid getting hung on a cross. The children gasp.]

Principal Skinner

Well, Lady Gaga couldn't arrive soon enough for one Lisa Simpson. Now let's turn to the ever-unpopular "Popularity Awards," the awards voted by students, in judgment of their peers. No way that can go wrong. First up, Campus Clown. [opens the envelope to reveal purple water covering his face] Bart Simpson!

Principal Skinner

It's called precipitation because it never fails to precipitate bad behavior.

Principal Skinner

I come bearing the thing you journalists hate most. News.

Principal Skinner

[sees the writing on the school wall about him saying he's a wiener, but in an incorrect sentence] Whoever did this is in very deep trouble.

Martin

And a sloppy speller, too. The preferred spelling of "wiener" is W-I-E-N-E-R. Although, "I-E" is an acceptable ethnic variant.

Principal Skinner

Good point. Boys, let's see your hands. [checks Lewis's hands] Mm-hmm. [checks Milhouse's hands] Good. [checks Richard's hands] Clean. [goes to Bart] Simpson?

Martin

You might say you caught him red-handed.

Principal Skinner

Simpson, you and I are going to have a little talk.

Bart

Same time, same place?

Principal Skinner

Yes. In my office after school.

Ooh!

Principal Skinner

Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, we have transcended incorrigible. I don't think suspension or expulsion will do the trick. I think it behooves us all to consider deportation.

Marge

Deportation?! You mean kick Bart out of the country?!

Homer

Hear him out, Marge.

[Singing in the talent show] My dingaling! My dingaling! I want you to play with my dingaling!

Principal Skinner

This act is over! [pushes Chuck offstage, clears his throat] Well, ladies and gentlemen, I’d like to put this filth behind us.

Principal Skinner

I've never seen such a good student take a tumble. Lisa, what are you rebelling against anyway?

Lisa

Whaddya got?!

Principal Skinner

I've been so blind. In retrospect, the signs all pointed to a rogue hall monitor.

Bart

Sorry if I betrayed your trust, Principal "Sucker."

Principal Skinner

[grumbles in irritation] Now Bart, in light of your recent service to the school, I've decided to be lenient. Four hundred days' detention.

Bart

Eh, four hundred days? I can do that standing on my head.

Principal Skinner

All right, five hundred days!

Bart

[chuckling] Ooh, big man!

Principal Skinner

Six hundred days!

Bart

Maybe I'll just shut my big mouth.

[as the new hall monitor] Let's go, Simpson.

Hey, what gives? Where are the mountain bikes?

Principal Skinner

[appears] Sorry about the ruse, gentlemen. You're being swept under the rug for the superintendent's visit. Enjoy. [closes the door and locks them in]

How are we going to get out of here?

And when are we going to get our mountain bikes?

Principal Skinner

[outside of the room] Would the world judge me harshly if I threw away the key?

Groundskeeper Willie

Nay, but the PTA would tear you a new arse.

Principal Skinner

Wise counsel, William, but the potty talk adds nothing.

Willie

Aye, sir. [under his breath] Ye bath-takin', underpants-wearin', lily-hugger.

[singing tiredly] For all the latest medical poop

[to Homer] This is worse than your song about Mr. T.

Homer

I pity the fool who doesn't like... he. And where's Barney?

Oh, he's with his new girlfriend, the Japanese conceptual artist.

Barney

Barbershop is in danger of growing stale. I'm taking it to strange new places.

Number eight... [Barney belches] Number eight... [Barney belches] Number eight... [Barney belches]