Joe Quimby quotes from The Simpsons

And this proposed expressway will bring increased commerce to our local merchants.

WHAT'S IN IT FOR US!?!

Jasper

Yeah, give us something we like or we'll ride you out of town on a rail!

Well, what do you people like?

Jasper

Sleep.

Sexy dames and plenty of 'em!

MATLOCK!!

Well, I suppose I could name it the... "Matlock Expressway"!

Oh, dear God, no!

Fortunately, we have a plan. Professor Frink?

Frink

Mu-hi. Good evening, ladies and—

Quit stalling! What's the plan?!

Frink

Alright, just take your seat, just take your seat. [removes cloth, to a scale model of Springfield] Now, working with former Carter-administration officials and military men who were forced into early retirement—for various reasons which we won't go here, okay?—we have planned this defense for the city. [flips switch] As the comet hurdles toward the city, our rocket will intercept it, and blow it to smithereens. Ma-hyvin! [explodes. Flames land onto Moe's bar]

Oh, dear God, no!

Bernice

Julius!

Clancy!

Chalmers

Skinner?

Agnes

Seymour!

Seymour

Mother...

Selma

[off-screen] Patty?

Brandine

Cletus!

... Oh, uh... Barney.

Clancy!

Chief Wiggum

Hey, come on, you did me twice.

Mr. Burns

Smithers?

My... my parents insisted I give it a try, sir.

Luann

Mayor Quimby!

Uh, well, that could be any mayor.

Marge

I rest my case.

Er, uh, well... eh, in light of these new facts, of which I now realize I was largely aware, I must take action. All in favor of demolishing our beloved burlesque house, raise your hands.

The gin in your martini

We remember our first visit

The service was exquisite

Why Joseph, I had no idea!

Come on now, you were working here

Without it we'd have had no fun since March of 1961!

Bart

To shut it down now would be twisted

We just heard this place existeeeeed!

And so for helping to K.O. litter in our community, I hereby dedicate this statue of Drederick Tatum.

Litter is my most treacherous foe. I would like to eat his children.

Marge

Look, can you please just tell us why you changed the flightpaths?

Uh, look, they were changed because a disturbed local wildlife and their mating rituals.

Vote Quimby, vote Quimby, vote Quimby, vote Quimby! Ohh... [inside] Without those noisy planes, I can finally hear my kitten purr.

[in a high-pitched, screechy voice] Thanks a million, Joe. You're the swellest!

[shocked] That's your voice?! Now I regret building you that opera house!

Remember, if anyone asks, you're my niece from out of town.

I am your niece, Uncle Joe.

[realizing] Good Lord! I'm an abomination!

Who the hell are you?

Your press secretary.

I knew I should have hired my nephew!

I am your nephew.

Okay, so I stink! Tough Toblerone! Read the charter people! I can't be removed from office... except by a simple recall election... please disregard that last part!

Don't you idiots see what this means?

Idiots? Why do we re-elect this guy?

Carl

Because his opponent has a long Slavic name.