Lionel Hutz quotes from The Simpsons

Lionel Hutz

Lionel Hutz, court-appointed attorney. I'll be defending you on the charge of... Murder One! Wow! Even if I lose, I'll never be famous!

Do you promise to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?

Marge

Mmm...Yes, I do.

Hutz

She sounded like she was taking that awful seriously.

Homer

[cringes] D'oh, the truth.

Blue-Haired Lawyer

[walks up to her] Mrs. Simpson, does the name Julius Hibbert mean anything to you?

Marge

Yes, he's been our family physician and trusted friend ever since the day I became a mother. He's seen us through everything from colds to impetigo all with competence, love and care.

Blue-Haired Lawyer

But, wait a minute, I'm confused. We just heard expert testimony from one Dr. Nick Riviera. What is your opinion on him? [Marge becomes nervous and hesitant] Mrs. Simpson!

Marge

[trying to plead the fifth] I'm sorry, but my mother always said if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.

Homer

Will that hold up in court?

Hutz

[glumly admitting] No, I tried that before.

Bart

Are there any jive-talking robots in this play?

Marge

I don't think so.

Homer

Bart, don't ask stupid questions. [to Marge] Is there any frontal nudity?

Marge

[sighs] No, Homer.

Helen Lovejoy

My name is Helen Lovejoy. I'm been playing Stella.

I am Apu Nahasapeemapetilon. I played Steve.

My name is Otto! I'm playing Pablo!

Lionel Hutz

Lionel Hutz, attorney at law. I'm filing a class-action suit against the director on behalf of everyone who was cut from the play. I also play Mitch!

Marge

I'm Marge Simpson. I'm played Blanche. I'm make some peanut butter brownies for anyone.

Marge

So do you think I have a case?

Lionel Hutz

Mrs. Simpson, you're in luck. Your sexual harassment suit is just the thing I need to rebuild my shattered practice. [he produces a bottle from his desk] Care to join me in a belt of Scotch?

Marge

It's 9:30 in the morning.

Lionel Hutz

Yeah, but I haven't slept in days. [takes a generous swig] Last chance... [Homer and Marge don't respond. Hutz drains the bottle] Oh, yeah....

Lionel Hutz

Mrs. Simpson, in your own words, please tell us what happened after you and your husband were ejected from the restaurant.

Marge

We pretty much went straight home.

Lionel Hutz

Remember, Mrs. Simpson, you're still under oath.

Marge

We drove around until 3:00 in the morning looking for another open all-you-can-eat seafood restaurant.

Lionel Hutz

And when you couldn't find any?

Marge

[crying] We went fishing!

Lionel Hutz

[to the jury] Do these sound like the actions of a man who'd had all he could eat?

[all of whom are incredibly obese] No!

That could have been me!

Lionel Hutz

Now don't you worry, Mrs. Simpson, I-- Uh-oh. We've drawn Judge Snyder.

Marge

Is that bad?

Lionel Hutz

Well, he's had it in for me ever since I kinda ran over his dog.

Marge

You did?

Lionel Hutz

Well, replace the word "kinda" with the word "repeatedly", and the word "dog" with "son."

Lionel Hutz

Now Apu, Mrs. Simpson claims that she forgot she was carrying that bottle of [looks at bottle] delicious... bourbon... brownest of the brown liquors... [hugs bottle] so tempting... [puts the bottle to his ear] What's that? You want me to drink you? But I'm in the middle of a trial. Excuse me. [Hutz rushes out of courtroom to call his best friend] Hello, David? I'm really tempted!

Crosby

Just take it one day at a time, and know that I love you.

Hutz

I love you too, man.

Lionel Hutz

Mr. Simpson, I was just going through your garbage, when I couldn't help but overhear you are in need of a babysitter. Now, as a highly-skilled attorney, my fee is $175 an hour.

Homer

We pay $8.00 for the night and you can take two Popsicles out of the freezer.

Lionel Hutz

Three.

Homer

Two.

Lionel Hutz

Okay, two, and I get to keep this old birdcage.

Homer

Done.

Lionel Hutz

[to himself] Still got it!

Look. You can see our houses.

Marge

Hmm. There's an awful lot of black smoke coming from my chimney.

Lisa

Mr. Hutz, why are you burning all your personal papers?

Lionel Hutz

As of this moment, Lionel Hutz no longer exists. (cheerfully): Say hello to Miguel Sanchez!

Bart

Hey, it's morning and Mom and Dad aren't home yet.

Lisa

Don't worry. Mr. Hutz is still here to take care of us.

Lionel Hutz

[defensively] Don't touch my stuff! [realizes that he just scared Bart, Lisa, and Maggie; sheepishly, as he sits on the couch with a confused expression on his face] H-Hey, this isn't the YMCA.

Homer

[seeing the White House with Colonel Klink] Marge lives here?

[voice only] Madam President, your approval rating is soar. [Marge murmurs]

[sing-songy] This dream is over! [pops, Homer sends back in the phone booth]

Lionel Hutz

[sees Homer stuck in the phone booth being knocked over] Hey, You! Get Out Of My Office!

Marge

Hello, Mr. Hutz.

Hutz

I'll have you know the contents in that dumpster are private! You stick your nose in, you'll be violating attorney-dumpster confidentiality.

Marge

I just wanted to say hello.

Hutz

Oh. Hello..heh... [Marge walks off; Hutz torches the contents in the dumpster]

Hutz

All right, gentlemen, I'll take your case. But I'm going to have to ask for a $1,000 retainer.

Bart

A thousand dollars?! But your ad says "no money down"! [hands Hutz a cut-out of his newspaper ad, which says "WORKS ON CONTINGENCY" and "NO MONEY DOWN"]

Hutz

[chuckles] Oh, they got this all screwed up. [takes a pen and scribbles on the piece of paper Bart handed him, before showing that it now says "WORKS ON CONTINGENCY? NO, MONEY DOWN!"]

Bart

So you don't work on a contingency basis?

Hutz

No, money down! Oops, shouldn't have this Bar Association logo here either. [rips off the bottom half of the ad and eats it]

Krusty, have you ever seen this so-called "animation genius" before?

Krusty

Yes, I have!

You have?!

Krusty

I gave him a couple of blintzes to paint my fence, BUT HE NEVER DID IT!

Chester

Those blintzes were terrible!

Krusty

PAINT MY FENCE!

Chester

Make me!

Krusty

[charges at Chester and starts punching him] YOU GIVE ME BACK THOSE BLINTZES, THEN!

Snyder

Order, order! We don't care about your blintzes!

Lionel Hutz

Now, Mr. Lampwick, when Roger Myers stole your character...

Objection.

Snyder

Sustained.

Hutz

Urgh! If I hear "objection" and "sustained" one more time today, I think I'm going to scream!

Objection.

Snyder

Sustained.

Chester

Roger Myers didn't create any of his characters. He stole them all.

Lionel Hutz

Marge, I had a lot of calls about you. Customers love your no-pressure approach.

Marge

Well, like we say, the right house for the right person.

Lionel Hutz

Listen, it's time I let you in on a little secret, Marge. "The right house" is the house that's for sale; the "right person" is anyone.

Marge

But all I did was tell the truth.

Lionel Hutz

Of course you did. But there's "the truth" [frowns and shakes head] and "the truth." [smiles wide and nods] Let me show you.

Marge

It's awfully small.

Lionel Hutz

I'd say it's awfully "cozy."

Marge

That's dilapidated.

Lionel Hutz

Rustic.

Marge

That house is on fire!

Lionel Hutz

"Motivated seller".