Dolph quotes from The Simpsons

Dolph

Why are you concussing yourself? Why are you concussing yourself?

Lisa

You're serving us gruel?

Dolph

Not quite. [pulls out a large drum of gruel with Krusty's face on the front] This is Krusty-Brand Imitation Gruel. Nine out of ten orphans can't tell the difference.

The gin in your martini

We remember our first visit

The service was exquisite

Why Joseph, I had no idea!

Come on now, you were working here

Without it we'd have had no fun since March of 1961!

Bart

To shut it down now would be twisted

We just heard this place existeeeeed!

Hey Simpson, I hear your sister dumped Christianity.

Bart

Who cares?

Dolph

I'll tell you someone who cares. He's got long hair, works as a carpenter, has a lot of crazy ideas about love and brotherhood.

His name's Gunner and he's dating my mom. Sometimes, he buys us beer.

Bart

I thought Kearney was dating your mom.

Kearney

Hey, she came on to me.

Get him! (The bullies -- and Bart -- pummel Kearney)

[singing] Ooh, my little pretty one, my pretty one. When you gonna give me some time, Sharona. Ooh, you make my motor run, my motor run. Got it comin' off of the line, Sharona. Never gonna stop, give it up, such a dirty mind. I always get it up for the touch of the younger kind. My, my, my, aye-aye, whoa!

Homer

[offscreen] That song is a pop music footnote. [pause] I didn't say stop.

[singing] M-m-m-my Sharona!

Kearney

This movie isn't silent, I can hear it sucking!

And all the snacks we bought are "heart-smart".

Dolph

[referring to snack] What the hell is a radish anyway? It's like an apple did it with an onion.

Martin

G'morning dinguses! What are you doing, touching each others butts?

Dolph

You're so dead you're alive!

Your fists are your sisters?

Dolph

Yeah, Pocahontas and Sacagawea!

Bart

Nice save.

Lisa

Why does someone become a bully?

Neglect.

Dolph

Abuse.

Kearney

I'm a Cubs fan.

Martin

Let me go. I have a swim lesson with a gorgeous lifeguard.

Dolph

What gender?

Martin

You're not allowed to ask.

Dolph

Well, you're gay for homophobia!

Kearney

Wow, you just made me gay for tolerance.

Kearney

[stretching a rubber bracelet] Crouch or forehead?

Dolph

Forehead, for once. [Kearney shoots the rubber bracelet like a slingshot at Milhouse's forehead]

Wha? [He starts to remember about Nelson beating Milhouse up during the school race]

[to Bart, angrily] Bart Simpson! You ran away when I was getting beat up!

Bart's a coward!

Krusty

He lied to us!

Dolph

Hey, Martin Princess. If you like that cello so much, why don't you marry it?

Chalmers

No heckling!

Skinner

Way to crush him, sir.

Kearney

Hey, Skinner! If you like Chalmers so much, why don't you marry him?

Skinner

Well, as the superintendent, he's married to all the principals.

Chalmers

Thank you. You've made the anniversary of my wife's death even more depressing.

Dolph

So, Simpson, what did you do to get stuck on this perp hike?

Bart

Let's just say I got a little creative with some laundry pods.

Hi, Shauna!

Um. Who are you, freak? Besides a freaky freak, you freak.

I'm Malibu Stacy. You're Malibu Stacy. I came here from Malibu Stacy Land because a rea girl who plays with me needs my help. And that's you, Shauna.

You still play with dolls?

[Scoffs] No.

It's okay to be complicated. As women, we can encompass multitudes.

Encompass my fist! [He jumps and Stacy screams, he started to punch]

Dolph

Yeah, get her!

Get out of here and leave me alone, loser! I'm so sorry. Meet me at home after school. We'll have a tea party, I love you so much.

You're not fighting me! You're fighting your fears of growing up!

All right, good night, Nelly.

Mama, could you tell me a story? How about one from the Kingdom of the Classy Ladies?

[chuckles] Another one?

Aw, please! I never get tired of their adventures.

Well, once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess named Muntzeena. Oh, and she loved to dance with all of her friends atop the glittery stage of...

Lord Tracksuit's Manor!

One five eve, a party of Knights of the Order of the Bachelor from the Valley of Silicon were there, tossing much gold.

Did they bring a wizard with them who could control the weather?

Oh, they sure did. And boy, oh, boy, did he make it rain.