Reverend Timothy Lovejoy quotes from The Simpsons

Reverend Lovejoy

Now, today's Christian doesn't think he needs God. He thinks he's got it made. He's got his hi-fi. His boob tube. And his instant pizza-pie.

Rev. Lovejoy

[preaching at church] This so called "new religion" is nothing more than a bunch of weird rituals designed to take away the money of fools. Now, let's say the Lord's prayer 40 times but first let's pass the collection plate.

Reverend

Now let's all thank the lord for this our new crystal church for us to behold all his wondrous creation.

Reverend

Now hurry, let's all look down and admire God's new parquet floor. [Eyes closed looking down as Homer still passes by on the ceiling] Eyes on the floor, still on the floor, always on God's floor.

Reverend Lovejoy

So in summary, there are only two real commandments and the other eight are just filler.

Reverend Lovejoy

Lord Jesus, although our country turned Protestant for the sole reason that our fat, mean king could dump his faithful wife, we know you're on our side. So please destroy these horrible monsters who believe your mother should be revered.

Reverend Lovejoy

And now Valerie and Dave will deliver their own vows, because my vows, apparently, weren't good enough. Show me how it's done, Dave.

Reverend Lovejoy

Relax, Marge. If God lets the Jews have Sunday on a Saturday, he'll be cool with this.

Reverend Lovejoy

How's that door coming, Willie?

Groundskeeper Willie

Miracles are your department, Reverend.

Homer

The Lord is vengeful! [falls to his knees] O Spiteful One! Show me who to smite, and they shall be smoten!

Ned

[chuckles] Homer, God didn't set your house on fire.

Reverend Lovejoy

No, but He was working in the hearts of your friends and neighbors when they came to your aid, be they [points to Ned] Christian, [Krusty] Jew, or [Apu] ...miscellaneous.

Hindu! There are 700 million of us.

Reverend Lovejoy

[condescendingly] Aw, that's super.

Homer

I was rude to every one of you. And you saved my life when you could've just left me to fry like the proverbial pancake that I am.

Marge

Aw, Homer! I'm so glad to hear you say that.

My name is Ot-to. I love to get blot-to.

Hans Moleman

My name is Hans. Drinking has ruined my life. I'm 31 years old.

Homer

My name is Homer and I'm just here because the court made me come.

Reverend Lovejoy

Homer, with our help, you'll never touch a beer again.

Now let us bow our heads in a silent prayer of Thanksgiving. [all the churchgoers do so. Homer is breathing through his nose, which gets louder with each breath, annoying Ned]

Ned

[furiously and annoyed] STOP IT!!! BREATHE THROUGH YOUR DAMN MOUTH! [Lovejoy and the churchgoers gasp] Oh, can't you see this man's not a hero!? He's annoying! He's very, very annoying!

Helen

Well, Ned's just jealous!

The man's hepped up on goofballs!

Let's sacrifice him to our God! (the room falls silent as everyone looks at Grampa in horror): We did it all the time in the 30's.

Homer

Oh, good. Reverend Lovejoy will make Marge take me back. He has to push the sanctity of marriage, or his god will punish him!

[flatly] Get a divorce.

Helen Lovejoy

Mmm-hmm.

Marge

But isn't that a sin?

Marge, just about everything is a sin. You ever sat down and read this thing? Technically, we're not allowed to go to the bathroom.

Helen

So Bart, how's school going? Jessica always gets straight A's.

Bart

Well, in my family grades aren't that important. It's what you learn that counts.

Six times five, what is it?

Bart

Um, actually numbers don't have much use in my future career-- Olympic Gold Medal Rocket Sled Champ.

Helen

Hmm. I didn't know the rocket sled was an Olympic event.

Bart

Well, no offense, lady, but what you don't know could fill a warehouse.

Young man, explain yourself!

Bart

Sorry. I have kind of a short fuse... which some find charming. Speaking of charming, watching Fox last night I heard a rather amusing story-- this character named Martin was feeling rather... randy, and he was heard to remark-

Don't you ever come near my daughter again! Never have I heard such gratuitous use of the word 'butt'!

Bart

[struggling to explain] But-but-but-but-but-but-but-

Helen

[in hallway, covering her ears] Make him stop! Make him stop!

Reverend Lovejoy

I know one of you is responsible for this, so repeat after me: If I withhold the truth may I go straight to hell, where I will eat naught but burning hot coals and drink naught but burning hot cola...

[scared] Where fiery demons will punch me in the back...

Bart

[nonchalant] Where my soul will be chopped into confetti and strewn upon a parade of murderers and single mothers...

[clearly nervous] Where my tongue will be torn out by ravenous birds...

Bart did it! That Bart, right there!

Bart

[angry] Milhouse!

Reverend Lovejoy

Milhouse, you did the right thing. Bart, come with me for punishment. [grabs Bart, then reaches back for Milhouse] You too, snitchy.

Bart

You shank! How could you tell on me?!

Well, I didn't want hungry birds pecking my soul forever.

Bart

"Soul"?! Come on, Milhouse, there's no such thing as a soul. It's just something they made up to scare kids, like the Boogeyman or Michael Jackson.

But every religion says there's a soul, Bart. Why would they lie? What would they have to gain? [see Lovejoy using the coin counter with collection money]

Reverend Lovejoy

I don't hear scrubbing!

Bart

Well, if your soul's real, where is it? [Milhouse puts his hand on his chest]

It's kinda in here... and when you sneeze, that's your soul trying to escape. Saying "God bless you" crams it back in. And when you die, it squirms out and flies away!

Bart

Uh-huh. What if you die in a submarine at the bottom of the ocean?

Oh, it can swim. It's even got wheels, in case you die in the desert and it has to drive to the cemetery.

Bart

[groans] How can someone with glasses that thick be so stupid? Listen, you don't have a soul. I don't have a soul. There's no such thing as a soul!

Fine. If you're so sure about that, why don't you sell your soul to me?

Bart

[pause] How much ya got?

Five bucks.

Bart

..Deal.