Helen Lovejoy quotes from The Simpsons

Helen

Why won't someone blame the children?

Bart

Are there any jive-talking robots in this play?

Marge

I don't think so.

Homer

Bart, don't ask stupid questions. [to Marge] Is there any frontal nudity?

Marge

[sighs] No, Homer.

Helen Lovejoy

My name is Helen Lovejoy. I'm been playing Stella.

I am Apu Nahasapeemapetilon. I played Steve.

My name is Otto! I'm playing Pablo!

Lionel Hutz

Lionel Hutz, attorney at law. I'm filing a class-action suit against the director on behalf of everyone who was cut from the play. I also play Mitch!

Marge

I'm Marge Simpson. I'm played Blanche. I'm make some peanut butter brownies for anyone.

Now let us bow our heads in a silent prayer of Thanksgiving. [all the churchgoers do so. Homer is breathing through his nose, which gets louder with each breath, annoying Ned]

Ned

[furiously and annoyed] STOP IT!!! BREATHE THROUGH YOUR DAMN MOUTH! [Lovejoy and the churchgoers gasp] Oh, can't you see this man's not a hero!? He's annoying! He's very, very annoying!

Helen

Well, Ned's just jealous!

The man's hepped up on goofballs!

Let's sacrifice him to our God! (the room falls silent as everyone looks at Grampa in horror): We did it all the time in the 30's.

Homer

Oh, good. Reverend Lovejoy will make Marge take me back. He has to push the sanctity of marriage, or his god will punish him!

[flatly] Get a divorce.

Helen Lovejoy

Mmm-hmm.

Marge

But isn't that a sin?

Marge, just about everything is a sin. You ever sat down and read this thing? Technically, we're not allowed to go to the bathroom.

Now, just relax. For once, you didn't do anything wrong. Just explain yourself and everyone will understand.

Bart

I--

Helen Lovejoy

Took the money? Yes, we know.

He confessed!

Bart

O-kay!

Homer

Stop him! He's headed for the window!

Helen

So Bart, how's school going? Jessica always gets straight A's.

Bart

Well, in my family grades aren't that important. It's what you learn that counts.

Six times five, what is it?

Bart

Um, actually numbers don't have much use in my future career-- Olympic Gold Medal Rocket Sled Champ.

Helen

Hmm. I didn't know the rocket sled was an Olympic event.

Bart

Well, no offense, lady, but what you don't know could fill a warehouse.

Young man, explain yourself!

Bart

Sorry. I have kind of a short fuse... which some find charming. Speaking of charming, watching Fox last night I heard a rather amusing story-- this character named Martin was feeling rather... randy, and he was heard to remark-

Don't you ever come near my daughter again! Never have I heard such gratuitous use of the word 'butt'!

Bart

[struggling to explain] But-but-but-but-but-but-but-

Helen

[in hallway, covering her ears] Make him stop! Make him stop!

Helen

She's completely cooked. Unlike the children she brought to the potluck.

Oh, Helen is a bitter as the lemonade she brought to the potluck. What a terrible potluck that was.

Sideshow Mel

Why wasn't this a town hall event? I like to see them balance on the stools.

Helen Lovejoy

I've noticed lately that people have been putting up quite a few little DIY free libraries all over town.

Homer

[to Marge] What's DIY stands for?

Marge

Do it yourself.

Homer

I'm trying to, but I can't.

Lindsey Naegle

We want to know what you want in your daytime programming. There are no wrong answers and no bad ideas.

Helen Lovejoy

In that case, recipes.

Lindsey Naegle

Sure. [write the marker in the smart board]

Bernice Hibbert

Air fryer recipes.

Celebrities come on the show?

Lindsey Naegle

Well, yes, obviously, but...

Put it on the board then.

Marge

Uh, I was thinking...

Agnes

Something with vacuum.