MMoe
Barney, how do you keep getting back in?
I'm a drunk, I don't know nothin' about how I do anything.
S17The Seemingly Never-Ending Story
I'm gonna win me a Nuclear Plant.
Dream on Bitch!
Hey Moe. [Angrily turns red] Thanks to you I've been sober all week!
S17Bart Has Two Mommies
[very upset that he lost the race after the duck came to life] A living duck? I wished too hard and it became real!
Rod and Todd are bored.
Daddy, what are we gonna do today?
Well, we're gonna do what every kid your age likes to do: look at bread.
Where's Bart? I haven't seen him since you came home.
{Sarcastically] Oh, you haven't seen Bart for a few hours, so you automatically assume I let something terrible happen.
I didn't say that.
[still sarcastic] I know what you think... when stupid Homer wasn't looking, Bart got kidnapped by a monkey.
[concerned] I could never think something that horrible!
[still sarcastic] And now I'm using sarcasm to confess the whole thing, so later I can say that I already told you!
Sorry I asked. [leaves]
Dad, you can't keep this up for long.
[still sarcastic] Oh, you're so right, I guess I should be more concerned with Bart's safety than covering my own butt! And maybe I'm talking like this, because I can't stop! HELP ME LISA! I HAVE SERIOUS MENTAL PROBLEMS!
[in response to Lisa's revelation of Mr. Teeny being Toot-Toot's son] But Krusty said Mr. Teeny was born in Funny Town.
Nelson, Funny Town doesn't exist.
Nooo! I was gonna live at Cuckoo Corners!
S17Homer Simpson, This Is Your Wife
All right, pal. I've made a diagram of all the places on Marge you're not allowed to touch. [shows diagram] Especially the hair!
Oh, not to worry. I'm a bit of an elbow man myself. Bit different...bit weird...not sexual.
You take forever to say nothing.
Where is she? Where is that soul sucking she-beast I call sweetums?
[Charles' wife, Verity walks in with Patty]
VVerity
Charles, I'm leaving you.
You snooze, you lose!
[astounded] You're leaving me for him!?
So it would seem, but Cousin It there was born a woman!
What brought us together is how much we hate you!
Yeah!? Well I'm gonna vote 'No' on Proposition 72 so you can't adopt! [Patty twists Homer's arm] Kidding! Kidding! I don't vote! The polling station's up a hill and I never make it!
Why must we share them with the world?
Because we'll be on TV, and earn enough money to buy a TV... TV!
But Dad!
Yes, TV-sa?
Forget it...
S17Million Dollar Abie
[angrily turns red] You're an useless old man! Name one thing you do for this family.
AAbe
I watch the baby.
Where is the baby?
AAbe
[surprised] You left me with a baby?!?
AAbe
A doctor?! I already got enough doctors touching me and poking me and squeezing me up here and jiggling me down there, and that's just the receptionist!
S17Kiss Kiss, Bang Bangalore
[after Richard is kidnapped] Whoa! He's gone!
There must be a Stargate in this stadium!
BBenjamin
Everybody look for it!
Wait, wait! I have some even more exciting news! There's a girl in the audience!
BBenjamin
Everybody look for her!
[the nerds close in on Willie]
This is a kilt! And I'm not a girl!
You're the closest we'll ever get! Get him!
So, Mr. Burns, you're saying my dad has gone insane, and thinks he's a god, and broken off all contact with the outside world?
I told you Simpson was a poor choice, sir.
You know, Smithers, "I told you so" has a brother. His name is, "Shut the hell up"!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.