Waylon Smithers quotes from The Simpsons

Simpson, eh? Let's shut down this bowling scam right now!

[dressed as Bart] I'll be in the car, dudes.

Uh, sir? This place could be bugged.

Homer

Afternoon, Mr. Burns!

Mr. Burns

Ah, hello there, uh..uh....

Homer

[whispers to Smithers] Simpson, Homer.

[gives cue card] Here you go, sir.

Mr. Burns

Ah! Oh, yes. Oh, and this must be your lovely wife... [reads] Marge. Oh, and look a little...Lisa. Why, she's growing like a weed. And this must be... [lifts his thumb covering Bart's name] Brat!

Bart

Bart.

Homer

Don't correct the man, Brat!

Mr. Burns

Morons. Pathetic morons in my employ, stealing my precious money. This is hopeless. None of these cretins deserves a promotion.

Well, it’s in the union contract, sir. One token promotion from within per year.

Mr. Burns

Wait! Who is that young go-getter? [points at a monitor with Homer on it with hair]

Well, it sort of looks like [chuckles] Homer Simpson, only more dynamic and resourceful-looking.

Mr. Burns

Simpson, huh? Hmm. An unspoiled lump of clay to mold in my own image. Our new junior executive. Bring him to me!

[on the intercom] Attention Homer Simpson, you have been promoted. You are now an executive. Take three minutes to say good-bye to your former friends; then report to room 503 for reassignment to a better life.

Mr. Burns

Ironic, isn't it Smithers. This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That's democracy for you!

You are noble and poetic in defeat, sir.

Hey, Simpson. I heard Mr. Burns crushed your boy.

Homer

If I wasn't so spineless, I'd march into Mr. Burns' office right now and...

Simpson!

Homer

Aah!

Mr. Burns wants you to march into his office right now!

Homer

Uh-oh.

Marge

Oh my!

Mr. Burns

[grabbing a towel from Smithers] If you'll excuse me, I'm changing for a board meeting.

Marge

[closes the door] I'm so sorry Mr. Burns.

Bart

Hey mom, did he have those hideous spots all over his body?

Mr. Burns

I heard that! [closes the door]

Bart

Uh oh!

Would you be more comfortable if I left too, sir?

Mr. Burns

Of course not Smithers, you're...you're like a doctor.

Mr. Burns

[offscreen] SMITHERS! I WANT MY TEA!

Marge

[to Smithers] Doesn't it bother you that he orders you around like that?

[chuckles] Actually, I value every second we're together. From the moment I squeeze his orange juice in the morning, till I tuck him in at night. He's not just my boss, he's my best friend too.

[sipping] Bah! Too hot! [throws it on Smithers]

Right, sir. It's...scalding me as we speak.

Mr. Burns

Why is that man in pink?!

Oh, that's Homer Simpson, sir. He's one of your boobs from Sector 7-G.

Mr. Burns

Simpson, eh? Well, judging by his outlandish attire, he's some sort of freethinking anarchist!

Sir, there may never be another time to say... I love you, sir.

Mr. Burns

[sarcastically] Oh hot dog! Thank you for making my last few moments on Earth socially awkward.

Mr. Burns

Ooh, look at them, Smithers - goldbrickers, layabouts, slugabeds. Little do they realize their days of suckling at my teat are numbered.

Oh, in the meantime, sir, may I suggest a random firing? Just to throw the fear of God into them.

Mr. Burns

Very well. [to the screen] Eeny, meeny, miny... [sees Homer sleeping on his workplace] Blugh! Him!

[on the speaker] Attention, Homer Simpson. Attention, Homer Simpson. [Homer doesn't wake up] Wake up, Homer!

Homer

[wakes up, alarmed and confused] What? Huh? What?! [starts pressing buttons]

[on the speaker] You're fired.

Homer

For what?

[on the speaker] For sleeping on the job.

Homer

How did you know I was sleeping?

[on the speaker] We've been watching you on the surveillance camera.

Homer

[sees camera off-screen] Camera? D'oh!

Homer

[as Burns sews the top of his head back on] Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.

Mr. Burns

Oh, will you quit your complaining!

Sir, do you know what this means? He is alive!

Mr. Burns

Oh, you're right, Smithers. I guess I owe you a Coke. [to the robot] And as for you, you clinking, clattering cacophony of caliginous cogs and camshifts, take that! [feebly kicks it, causing it to tip and loom over him]

Run, sir!

Mr. Burns

Every bone...shattered, organs...leaking vital fluids...a slight headache...loss of appetite. Smithers, I'm going to die.

[distraught] Sir, is there nothing I can do?

Mr. Burns

Well...perhaps. Smithers, go to my office. In the third drawer of my desk are...surgical tools...and some ether.

Marge

Did you have a nightmare, Homey?

Homer

No, Bart bit me!

Bart

Hey, man, you were crushing me! [to Marge and Lisa] I tried to scream, but my mouth was full of flab.

Homer

Hey, got to go shake the dew off the lily. [walks into bathroom and looks in the mirror, to find Burns' head sewn onto his left shoulder] Aaaah!!!

Mr. Burns

Perhaps you're wondering why you have two heads. Well, my body was crushed, so I had my head grafted onto your, shall we say, ample frame.

Homer

[trying to stay calm] I can wake up! It's all a dream! It's just a dream!

Mr. Burns

Oh, that's right! It's all a dream... [fade to black; credits showrunner appears] ...or is it? [laughs evilly; credits showrunner disappeared]

Next week, on "The Simpsons"...

Lisa

Don't forget, Dad, tonight, my class is having an all-you-can-eat spaghetti dinner.

Homer

Mmm...spaghetti.

Mr. Burns

But Homer, tonight's our reception for Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands!

Homer

Oh, I hate having two heads!

Homer

[at Mr. Burns' desk] Uh, Mr. Burns? I need to borrow some money.

Mr. Burns

Oh, please. Do go on. [about to press security button under desk]

Homer

I know you're a good man, [Burns pauses, takes hand away from button] but I have a dog that's very sick. [Burns presses button repeatedly]

Mr. Burns

[acting innocently] Oh, please. Continue.

Homer

I thought maybe you- [notices security guards] Oh. [being dragged out of Burns' office] Well, thanks for your time.

Mr. Burns

What makes a man endanger his job and... yes, even his life, by asking me for money?

People like dogs, Mr. Burns.

Mr. Burns

Nonsense! Dogs are idiots. Think about it, Smithers: if I came into your house and started sniffing at your crotch and slobbering all over your face, what would you say?

[pause] If you did it, Sir?

Mr. Burns

Exactly! You'd be fit to be tied! Dogs! [scoffs]

Mr. Burns

Marge, I'm giving you a raise and a new office, right next to mine. [laughs]

But sir, that's my office.

Mr. Burns

Don't worry Smithers, I'm putting you where the action is.

Springtime fresh, winter white. What could be better?

Homer

[bursts in and unzips his fly.] Aw man, I really gotta...

NOOOOO!