Well, I guess we'll have to find a place where the workers are more desperate and ignorant...Springfield!
S17Kiss Kiss, Bang Bangalore
S17The Wettest Stories Ever Told
Perhaps an old sea yarn might pass the time. [pauses for a moment] Too bad I don't know any.
I know one, about the most important sea voyage in American history — the journey of the Mayflower.
Aw, yes. The ship that brought prostitutes to America.
Not prostitutes, Protestants.
Now who's being naive?
SBCaptain Seymour Bligh
[over speaker] Welcome to Day 718 of our voyage. First off, in an attempt to preserve water, you will not be given any water. [crew groans] And also, because of a sketch of myself having romantic congress with a mer-man [shows the offending picture] I am dumping all your mail from home into the sea. [Willie does so] And I can assure you that there were cookies in there. Good cookies, the kind only a loving mother or Milhouse's father could bake.
SMSecond Officer Milhouse
My father's alive?
SBSeymour Bligh
No, he died while baking. It's all in the letter. [He throws the Milhouse's father's letter outside the window]
S17Girls Just Want To Have Sums
Principal Skinner [phonily]: Am I wearing women's clothes? I didn't notice. When I look in my closet, I don't see male clothes or female clothes, they're all the same.
[arms crossed] Are you saying that men and women are identical?
Oh, no, of course not! Women are unique in every way.
LNLindsay Naegle
[arms crossed] Now he's saying women and men aren't equal!
[getting nervous] No, no, no! It's the differences...of which there are none, that make the sameness...exceptional! [desperately] Just tell me what to say!
[Skinner hyperventilates and faints]
[Homer and Marge are in bed.]
So... do you wanna... "wang chung tonight"?
I don't know. I'm still frowny with you. Do you really think women are mentally inferior?
[shifting his eyes nervously] Well, uh, uh, honey, you're just as smart as a man. Sometimes when I'm with you, I feel like I'm doing it with a dude.
[Marge groans, then scene cuts to Homer sleeping on the couch]
Oh, why did women invent sleeping on the couch? Oh. Well, I won't be lonely. I can always cuddle with the dog. [cuddles Santa's Little Helper] Mmm. At least everyone knows I'm smarter than you!
[scene cuts to Homer sleeping in the doghouse]
Oh, how did this happen?
[to Lisa] Do you know why you did good at math?
MUMelanie Upfoot
"Did well."
Ah, give it a rest, Melanie.
MUMelanie Upfoot
Calling me by my first name is harassment!
Well, in for a penny, in for a pound! [grabs Melanie and kisses her]
MUMelanie Upfoot
[charmed] Oh, Superintendent...!
S17Regarding Margie
M1Maid 1
"You know what I found in their dirty clothes hamper? DIRTY CLOTHES!"
M2Maid 2
"I found a hair in the drain! Not a fine, upstanding head hair, but a curly-wurly!"
MMaids
"UNTIDY! UNTIDY! UNTIDY!"
[shamrock wipe to reality]
[Hastily] Untidy! Untidy! Untidy!
When will Marge remember us?
It's hard to say. With retrograde amnesia such as this, the patient could forget years and years of her life. You just have to keep jogging her memory until it works.
Awww! Jogging?
I didn't say you should be jogging.
Sweet!
Although you should be jogging.
Aww! Jogging?
See that ball of fire? That's the sun. It goes by many names: Apollo's Lantern, day moon, Old Blazey. The important thing is never to touch it.
I know what the sun is!
Yes, now you do.
S17The Monkey Suit
Time to do what I do best, ruin it for everybody.
Go ahead, Maggie. You're allowed to touch the deadly weapons.
[Maggie picks up a pen-knife]
Ooh! It's a mugger! I'll hand over all my hugs and kisses--
[Maggie holds up the knife and points it at Marge, with an angry expression]
OK, be cool. I've got some candy in my purse...
Daddy, was mommy a monkey? I can't remember.
[yelling] No one was ever a monkey! Everything is what it was and always will be! God put us here and that's that!
But you said a stork brought me.
Uh, that was God disguised as a stork.
Who brings baby storks?
There's no such thing as storks, it's all God!
[praying in front of a statue of a stork] Please bless daddy and mommy...
Stop praying to that stork!
S17Marge and Homer Turn a Couple Play
We've been through more hardships than the Jews and Charlie Brown put together!
Isn't it weird that our parents are giving marital advice? They're always fighting. If you listen closely, you can hear them arguing right now. [she and Bart then listen closely]
[in distance] And I say, a monkey can mow our lawn!
Watching Tabitha Vixx pole-dancing on stage during a concert
[dreamily] Wow. I've got this sudden urge to give her a five-dollar bill...
That's it, we're leaving!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.